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Update on my difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 599090" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Recovering, you are not deserting your daughter. You are not turning away from her, and you are not turning her away.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">You are surviving what is.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">There are no clear answers; there is no known path. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Someone changed all the rules. Nothing makes sense, anymore. There is so much pain. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">You noted that your daughter lost everything in the last four years. And that now, her car is gone, too. These comments made me think of my own daughter. Of how it looks like she intentionally destroyed everything. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Twice. Three times, four times. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">The summer before last, she was here with her new fiancée. She and her children (whom he loved like his own) were living in a truly stunning new house. Both difficult child and the fiancée were math teachers. In his spare time? The fiancée was the Coach. Bright, attractive, successful people.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Life was good, and getting better.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Kaboom.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Math teacher gone.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Her choice.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">She wants to move home.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">But I don't think that was ever what she wanted.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">I think she came home so she could do what she is doing. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">In a period of months, she betrayed her own children. Willfully, and with seeming malice aforethought, she destroyed her professional life. Mandated into treatment, where everything was turning around for her...she left, and proceeded to burn every bridge still standing. Blew through $6000 in less than a month. (No seed money to start over with, now.) Totaled her car. Broken noses, black eyes, repeated episodes of brain swelling. Malnutrition, disease.... Choosing to live homeless, when she could come home anytime, or could live with a lady friend in the city where she is.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">difficult child tells me things she does not tell husband. Horrible, hurtful, dangerous things.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Why?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Why do our daughters go out of their ways to be certain we know what is happening to them, Recovering?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">It's almost like difficult child takes pleasure in knowing that what is happening to her is destroying me. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Why?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Why would your daughter create the situation she has created and then, create the multi-faceted "I need you, mom!" façade she created for you?</span></p><p> <span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">So here's the question, Recovering.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Not why are our daughters doing what they are doing, but why are they making sure we experience the same pain, the same sense of bewilderment and confusion?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Whatever the reason, your daughter wanted you to feel as you do, today.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Why?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Once we throw that question around a little, the question becomes whether anything we do could ever make a difference, given that our daughters seem <em>determined</em> to walk this path?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Doesn't that choice our daughters are making mean that our priorities need to change? Think about coming fully awake in an instant at the sound of your infant's cry in the night. Think about being in the grocery store and feeling your milk let down when you heard the cry of any infant, not just your own.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Right now, we are operating from those same, instinctual responses.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">I don't know that we can ever change those instinctual patterns.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">But we can change the questions we ask ourselves.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">You are raising your daughter's child.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">husband and I are helping our grandchildren, sending money and love and belief in the good in them.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Those are right, good, and responsible things. But what is it we're supposed to do about our daughters?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">How IS it we are supposed to feel?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Given that my misery hasn't changed a thing, not for me, not for difficult child, not for husband or the children or the ex-husbands...I see that misery isn't the answer. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">So I say we need to reach down, open up, and give ourselves permission to feel joy, again. Not just to feel it, but to seek it out, to wallow in it. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Your daughter, like mine Recovering, IS CHOOSING TO DESTROY THE VERY THINGS THAT WOULD SAVE HER.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">I don't know why. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">All the rules have changed.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">But I do know that if we want to change our mindsets, we need to start by asking different questions.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">My question (for now, for today) is...what does joy look like?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Which are the images that question calls?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">I think that might be the way to heal, Recovering.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">What does joy look like?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">What does happiness look like?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">What would my face look like if I were able to accept the path my too-loved daughter walks AND LIVE IN JOY, ANYWAY?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">What would that look like?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">And the answers to those questions will come.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">And we will be strong enough to know how to help our daughters, if that time ever comes. And if it doesn't? We will have lived our lives in strength and joy and thanksgiving.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">In this place where there is no path, where there is no right and wrong, where nothing works and nothing matters and there is only pain and bewilderment and more pain... maybe we need to carve our own path through this jungle, Recovering.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Joy will be a good signpost to watch for, along the way.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Ready for the movie analogy?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">:O)</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">African Queen.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Remember Katherine Hepburn? Falling into a hellish, unimagined life? Staying true to who she was, and changing the world?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Remember them, cutting the path through the swamp?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Finding the ship?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Preparing to be hung?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">And declaring their own names, standing by their own values and understandings of what mattered?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">I will have to watch that movie, again.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Too bad you don't live closer, Recovering. It would be an amazing thing, to see that movie with you.</span></p><p> <span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Barbara</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 599090, member: 1721"] [COLOR=#000000] Recovering, you are not deserting your daughter. You are not turning away from her, and you are not turning her away. You are surviving what is. There are no clear answers; there is no known path. Someone changed all the rules. Nothing makes sense, anymore. There is so much pain. You noted that your daughter lost everything in the last four years. And that now, her car is gone, too. These comments made me think of my own daughter. Of how it looks like she intentionally destroyed everything. Twice. Three times, four times. The summer before last, she was here with her new fiancée. She and her children (whom he loved like his own) were living in a truly stunning new house. Both difficult child and the fiancée were math teachers. In his spare time? The fiancée was the Coach. Bright, attractive, successful people. Life was good, and getting better. Kaboom. Math teacher gone. Her choice. She wants to move home. But I don't think that was ever what she wanted. I think she came home so she could do what she is doing. In a period of months, she betrayed her own children. Willfully, and with seeming malice aforethought, she destroyed her professional life. Mandated into treatment, where everything was turning around for her...she left, and proceeded to burn every bridge still standing. Blew through $6000 in less than a month. (No seed money to start over with, now.) Totaled her car. Broken noses, black eyes, repeated episodes of brain swelling. Malnutrition, disease.... Choosing to live homeless, when she could come home anytime, or could live with a lady friend in the city where she is. difficult child tells me things she does not tell husband. Horrible, hurtful, dangerous things. Why? Why do our daughters go out of their ways to be certain we know what is happening to them, Recovering? It's almost like difficult child takes pleasure in knowing that what is happening to her is destroying me. Why? Why would your daughter create the situation she has created and then, create the multi-faceted "I need you, mom!" façade she created for you? So here's the question, Recovering. Not why are our daughters doing what they are doing, but why are they making sure we experience the same pain, the same sense of bewilderment and confusion? Whatever the reason, your daughter wanted you to feel as you do, today. Why? Once we throw that question around a little, the question becomes whether anything we do could ever make a difference, given that our daughters seem [I]determined[/I] to walk this path? Doesn't that choice our daughters are making mean that our priorities need to change? Think about coming fully awake in an instant at the sound of your infant's cry in the night. Think about being in the grocery store and feeling your milk let down when you heard the cry of any infant, not just your own. Right now, we are operating from those same, instinctual responses. I don't know that we can ever change those instinctual patterns. But we can change the questions we ask ourselves. You are raising your daughter's child. husband and I are helping our grandchildren, sending money and love and belief in the good in them. Those are right, good, and responsible things. But what is it we're supposed to do about our daughters? How IS it we are supposed to feel? Given that my misery hasn't changed a thing, not for me, not for difficult child, not for husband or the children or the ex-husbands...I see that misery isn't the answer. So I say we need to reach down, open up, and give ourselves permission to feel joy, again. Not just to feel it, but to seek it out, to wallow in it. Your daughter, like mine Recovering, IS CHOOSING TO DESTROY THE VERY THINGS THAT WOULD SAVE HER. I don't know why. All the rules have changed. But I do know that if we want to change our mindsets, we need to start by asking different questions. My question (for now, for today) is...what does joy look like? Which are the images that question calls? I think that might be the way to heal, Recovering. What does joy look like? What does happiness look like? What would my face look like if I were able to accept the path my too-loved daughter walks AND LIVE IN JOY, ANYWAY? What would that look like? And the answers to those questions will come. And we will be strong enough to know how to help our daughters, if that time ever comes. And if it doesn't? We will have lived our lives in strength and joy and thanksgiving. In this place where there is no path, where there is no right and wrong, where nothing works and nothing matters and there is only pain and bewilderment and more pain... maybe we need to carve our own path through this jungle, Recovering. Joy will be a good signpost to watch for, along the way. Ready for the movie analogy? :O) African Queen. Remember Katherine Hepburn? Falling into a hellish, unimagined life? Staying true to who she was, and changing the world? Remember them, cutting the path through the swamp? Finding the ship? Preparing to be hung? And declaring their own names, standing by their own values and understandings of what mattered? I will have to watch that movie, again. Too bad you don't live closer, Recovering. It would be an amazing thing, to see that movie with you. Barbara[/color] [/QUOTE]
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