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Update on my difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 599093" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you Barbara & MWM.</p><p></p><p>I haven't seen the African Queen in decades, it would be a wonderful treat to see it with you Barbara..............</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure my difficult child wants me to know the details of her life to punish me or that she takes any pleasure in it, I believe, in her perception of things and her misguided interpretation of relationships, I am really the only one left who listens with any kind of caring, and as one of my first therapists told me, "negative strokes are better then no strokes at all." </p><p></p><p>I talked to a very wise woman this morning, a healer, who is helping to guide me through this maze of other peoples dramas. She told me to always shift from feeling sorry for my difficult child or anger or whatever feelings I am going through, to switch to love, to holding my daughter in "the light" in a positive place, that the energy of fear I often feel for her, or sadness helps no one, but the energy of love is very powerful and to hold my daughter in love. I believe that but can easily forget in the drama of the moment. I am going to practice doing that again now.</p><p></p><p>You make very good points Barbara, thank you. It's a practice for me, to turn my attention on joy and peace and happiness and turn my attention away from my family, my family of mostly mentally ill folks whose realities drag you with them into their delusions. For most of my life I've had to separate myself from all of that, difficult and yet it's given me a lot of compassion and strength..............</p><p></p><p>Asking why my daughter is the way she is keeps me stuck in trying to figure out something I will likely never figure out. That is part of taking my focus off of her and putting it on me. The question for me is how do I remain joyful and peaceful in spite of the misery those I love bring onto themselves? I know what joy looks like, I feel that quite often with my SO, my granddaughter, just living...........it's the snags along the way that hit me off guard and take me away to another's illusion, delusion, heartache or suffering, all of which I have no power to fix. Each time I am pulled into that, the time spent there is shorter and I learn another piece about myself which will help the next time......................I imagine until one time, it will simply be a momentary glitch, I will re calibrate and move quickly through it.</p><p></p><p>It helps me to write it down, here or to a friend in an email. I can see it, it takes it out of my head and heart and it's easier to understand. I call it <em>telling on myself,</em> making sure there are no pockets of denial. I always ask my SO if there are any holes in my thinking..............as time has gone by, the holes have mostly closed up. It's the surprise hits, like the stolen car which brings up my empathy and then I get caught in feeling sorry for my difficult child and that leads to my wanting to help................you know the drill...................I know what to do now when I get pulled out of my own center, I know who to call, where to go, how to work through it.</p><p></p><p>Barbara if your daughter is sharing things with you that makes your hair stand on end, you must stop that, you must tell her you cannot hear it. I had to do that with my difficult child. It takes awhile, but they learn. It's up to you to stop it, it's her life, she likely isn't even aware of how much that horrifies and hurts you. You have to put strong limits on her behavior with you, take a look at the parts that hurt you and limit as much as you can. With each step a long that path, you will feel a lot better. My difficult child is under strict orders to leave me for the most part out of the drama. Of course, it slips in now and again, but mostly I am blissfully unaware of most of it except the basic stuff. The car theft was a biggie, but today I am back to myself and feel neutral and detached. Thank God. I am so grateful that for the most part, probably 85 % I'd say, realistically, I stay in balance. I'm still working on that 15%. And, I have a lot of help to do it too!! A therapist, an acupuncturist, a healer, a massage therapist, friends, this board, books, I have completely given myself over to the support I need to get to a place of complete acceptance............that grace to surrender all of it to a higher power, to God, to the creative source, to love..............when I do that, everything works.........Letting go of the illusion of control that we humans have is an amazing feat, it goes against what we believe we can accomplish, "I'll never give up!!" The battle cry of most of us..............however, it just doesn't work that way, at least that is what I have come to understand............it's more about acceptance and surrendering to what is, to the truth, to the parts of life we just can't control, which is pretty much everything except our responses, our reactions. Sigh. It's a tough lesson for humans. But, this whole difficult saga with my daughter has taught me a lot about acceptance.................for me, that's the only way through it all and the only way to find peace...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 599093, member: 13542"] Thank you Barbara & MWM. I haven't seen the African Queen in decades, it would be a wonderful treat to see it with you Barbara.............. I'm not sure my difficult child wants me to know the details of her life to punish me or that she takes any pleasure in it, I believe, in her perception of things and her misguided interpretation of relationships, I am really the only one left who listens with any kind of caring, and as one of my first therapists told me, "negative strokes are better then no strokes at all." I talked to a very wise woman this morning, a healer, who is helping to guide me through this maze of other peoples dramas. She told me to always shift from feeling sorry for my difficult child or anger or whatever feelings I am going through, to switch to love, to holding my daughter in "the light" in a positive place, that the energy of fear I often feel for her, or sadness helps no one, but the energy of love is very powerful and to hold my daughter in love. I believe that but can easily forget in the drama of the moment. I am going to practice doing that again now. You make very good points Barbara, thank you. It's a practice for me, to turn my attention on joy and peace and happiness and turn my attention away from my family, my family of mostly mentally ill folks whose realities drag you with them into their delusions. For most of my life I've had to separate myself from all of that, difficult and yet it's given me a lot of compassion and strength.............. Asking why my daughter is the way she is keeps me stuck in trying to figure out something I will likely never figure out. That is part of taking my focus off of her and putting it on me. The question for me is how do I remain joyful and peaceful in spite of the misery those I love bring onto themselves? I know what joy looks like, I feel that quite often with my SO, my granddaughter, just living...........it's the snags along the way that hit me off guard and take me away to another's illusion, delusion, heartache or suffering, all of which I have no power to fix. Each time I am pulled into that, the time spent there is shorter and I learn another piece about myself which will help the next time......................I imagine until one time, it will simply be a momentary glitch, I will re calibrate and move quickly through it. It helps me to write it down, here or to a friend in an email. I can see it, it takes it out of my head and heart and it's easier to understand. I call it [I]telling on myself,[/I] making sure there are no pockets of denial. I always ask my SO if there are any holes in my thinking..............as time has gone by, the holes have mostly closed up. It's the surprise hits, like the stolen car which brings up my empathy and then I get caught in feeling sorry for my difficult child and that leads to my wanting to help................you know the drill...................I know what to do now when I get pulled out of my own center, I know who to call, where to go, how to work through it. Barbara if your daughter is sharing things with you that makes your hair stand on end, you must stop that, you must tell her you cannot hear it. I had to do that with my difficult child. It takes awhile, but they learn. It's up to you to stop it, it's her life, she likely isn't even aware of how much that horrifies and hurts you. You have to put strong limits on her behavior with you, take a look at the parts that hurt you and limit as much as you can. With each step a long that path, you will feel a lot better. My difficult child is under strict orders to leave me for the most part out of the drama. Of course, it slips in now and again, but mostly I am blissfully unaware of most of it except the basic stuff. The car theft was a biggie, but today I am back to myself and feel neutral and detached. Thank God. I am so grateful that for the most part, probably 85 % I'd say, realistically, I stay in balance. I'm still working on that 15%. And, I have a lot of help to do it too!! A therapist, an acupuncturist, a healer, a massage therapist, friends, this board, books, I have completely given myself over to the support I need to get to a place of complete acceptance............that grace to surrender all of it to a higher power, to God, to the creative source, to love..............when I do that, everything works.........Letting go of the illusion of control that we humans have is an amazing feat, it goes against what we believe we can accomplish, "I'll never give up!!" The battle cry of most of us..............however, it just doesn't work that way, at least that is what I have come to understand............it's more about acceptance and surrendering to what is, to the truth, to the parts of life we just can't control, which is pretty much everything except our responses, our reactions. Sigh. It's a tough lesson for humans. But, this whole difficult saga with my daughter has taught me a lot about acceptance.................for me, that's the only way through it all and the only way to find peace........... [/QUOTE]
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