update on my preg. difficult child drama

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Masta, Feb 5, 2008.

  1. Masta

    Masta Member

    Here is the update to my post which is in the general forum…

    difficult child called me today. Her husband was at home, so she had to be evasive.

    Last Friday was the day difficult child called me telling me about her problems. Last Friday night her husband came home early from work and rubbed her feet and made her breakfast the following morning….he told her he came home early coz he felt he was loosing his marriage…he said he called into burger king (part time job) and told them that he wasn’t going in work that day coz his marriage was rocky and left work at Wal-Mart early that evening. So difficult child like felt things were going to be ok coz he tried to pamper her. It turns out he left Wal-Mart (full time job) that evening and has not returned back to work. He hasn’t given them notice.

    As of right this minute her husband is sitting at home watching a dvd collection that my sister-in-law lent them. Her husband isn’t concerned about money or the lack of food. difficult child hasn’t got her Medicaid card so she cant go to her 36-37 week checkup. I’m wondering if she tells me all this stuff to frustrate me or whether she thinks I will jump in and take over. I want to, but I know it wont help either one of them if I do.

    I am so sick (with the flu) right now. difficult child told me she will ride the bus to the doctors tomorrow if she has spare change and that she needs to still do her laundry at the laundry mat (usually I chauffer her around everywhere to get her errands done). I told her we could have the meeting but she said we shouldn’t coz I’m too sick.

    I am so annoyed. She is so blasé about the whole thing. I keep saying how could her husband do this to her (meaning not show up for work) and she says ….I know mom. I got so peeved off I said if u guys don’t have food to feed your baby he will be taken away from you and it wont be me or her dcfs worker calling dcfs it will be your neighbors listening to her baby cry, they will call dcfs on you.

    difficult child’s husband doesn’t seem to care and she has to watch what she says around him coz he is edgy right now. Her husband is waiting for his dad to get him an application for some welding job.

    I asked difficult child if I can invite her old dcfs worker to the meeting, she insisted that I not involve her. I told difficult child her dcfs worker has more knowledge in government help then all of us put together. She still does not want her there. I asked why and she said coz her worker will ask her whos responsibility it is to get stuff sorted out. difficult child knows all of her problems will be placed back onto her not palmed off onto everyone else at the meeting if dcfs worker is invited. I said to difficult child wouldn’t you rather hear it bluntly then us beating around the bush... this is your responsibility not anyone else’s. Basically difficult child doesn’t want to hear what she really needs to hear.

    difficult child’s cell phone has been temporarily turned off coz her husband has ticked up $$ worth of games and songs they cant afford. So… in 3 weeks there baby will be here. The rent will be due along with the electricity bill. I know a lot can happen in 3 weeks.

    What marguerite said was right on the money.. I think difficult child plans on keeping this baby because the baby offers unconditional love.

    weeping willow: I am at where you are at…. I don’t have the energy to go through this again. So difficult child wont be moving back in with me. She can go to a shelter, they can advise her on what to do.

  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted to send hugs........and support. I cannot imagine how frustrated you must be.
    Keep staying as detached as possible, and we will keep hoping some miraculous thing turns this child's life around.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Masta}}} sending gentle and supportive hugs to you. This can't be easy, but you're doing it and we're so proud of you.

    Feel better~
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Your difficult child and her boyfriend remind me of husband and I when we were first married. (at least in this post)

    I didn't just love husband, honestly I think I was obessed with him. (maybe not the best word) In my eyes he could honestly do no wrong. Even if I might think it was wrong I'd find ways to justify it. We were dirt poor during the first years of our marriage. Food was scarce, easy child went without clothing except what my Mom and husband's Mom bought for xmas and bdays, and she spent most of her time in pjs.

    My poor Mom was sooooo frustrated. And she tried to make me see reality. But I refused to see it because I wanted the perfect husband, the perfect marriage, the perfect family senerio. I was determined if I loved him enough I could make it happen. (almost gags me now lol)

    But now matter what, unless it was taking me to the grocery, Mom refused to help. mother in law helped too much. (bless her heart) But it was my mother's refusal to help and her explainations as to WHY she was refusin to help that nagged at me until I finally opened my eyes to the reality of the situation.

    At the time it hurt that she wouldn't help. Sometimes I got mad when she wouldn't help.

    Still I always called her when something went wrong or I needed someone to talk to. Even though I KNEW she was gonna tell me exactly what I didn't want to hear.

    When I think back on those early years now, I'm grateful that she didn't help and gave me her reasons. I'm grateful she was still willing to listen to me each time I called even though I know most of the time she wanted to strangle me out of pure frustration. But I'm pretty darn sure I'd have never wised up if it hadn't been for her counsil. (took me almost 10 yrs as it was ugh)

    No, I'd not let her move back in with you. I'd help with things that don't involve money. Be her sounding board. If she hears it enough it will eventually sink in. I think that if mother in law had done what my mother did, the process would have been much faster.

    I know you're worried about the baby. I would be too. Has she done WIC yet? They'll give her cereal, eggs, peanut butter, milk, cheese, beans, rice, juice......she won't eat great til welfare kicks in, but she won't starve either.

    Sending ((((hugs)))))
  5. Masta

    Masta Member

    daisylover: difficult child is on wic and on medicaid.

    Ive told difficult child to get acquainted with her local bishop, he can help her with food, counseling and maybe cash, she says she set up an appointment for next Tuesday night. Of course my difficult child's husband already knows this, his family have been using/abusing their bishop for years.

    difficult child and her hubby are not on any sort of food/financial assistance like food stamps etc. i tried to get difficult child on food stamps.. i took her down to the office a month ago but they made $9 over the cut off limit. if i didnt fill in the forms myself she would have never applied.

    one thing about my difficult child is that unless someone makes her do something she wont do it herself.

    i told difficult child today that if they become homeless we will not allow her husband to move in with us based on the fact he steals and lies. she understands. She doesn't know yet that she cannot move in either. We will tell her when she leaves him and asks to move in, and then I will tell her the best option for her is a womens shelter, because based on past experience with husband's family, they will harass her when she does leave him.

    i just feel like we have 3 weeks left before this baby comes... and if she could somehow see the light and get rid of her loser husband things would be much easier for her in the long run.

    i know she needs to come to that decision herself otherwise all the help in the world that we give her will be pointless, coz unless she makes up her mind herself that her hubby is a deadbeat and leaves him she will go right back to him.

    i need to detach..... its so hard.. coz i hear her crying over the phone on a weekly basis... she can see my point of view but says she made her choices and a commitment by marrying him so she has to endure this ****. i have told her she can make new choices to change the situation she is in, but she says she cant think straight. My comment to that was if you can't think straight now wait till the baby is here you wont be able to think at all. I have also told her she may have made a commitment but her husband has not kept up his end of the bargain with the commitment by lying and texting girls behind her back.

    It is so hard being difficult child's sounding board. I don't know how your mom did it daisylover. Under normal circumstances if difficult child wasn't pregnant I would let her deal with her own problems but since there is a baby in the mix my first reaction is to get my difficult child out of this mess.
  6. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Boy, she sounds so much like my niece, it's unbelievable! She's a bright, beautiful girl whose self-esteem is so low it's almost undectable. She's been with the same loser guy for several years now, on and off. Then, next thing we knew, she'd married the fool and was expecting a baby! My brother refers to his sister in law as "Bozo". Bozo treats her like cr@p, works when he feels like, IF he feels like it, is totally irresponsible, self centered and arrogant. He drinks too much, spends every dime he gets on partying, and is totally worthless. My niece thinks he's wonderful!

    When the baby came, Bozo strutted around for a while playing the proud new dad bragging about his son, but that's about all he did. He never changed a diaper, never got up with him, never fed him, never bathed him, never played with him - not even once. My brother and his wife hoped that their daughter would finally be responsible enough to put the babys needs first, to make him the priority, but he's 18 months old now and it isn't happening! She's still catering to Bozo, putting him first, trying desperately to keep him happy, and of course he never will be! Two weeks after the baby was born she was recovering from a C-section, on antibiotics for an infection, exhausted from lack of sleep and caring for a newborn. But Bozo wanted to go bar-hopping and wanted her to go with him and she didn't want to tell him "no"! So the baby spent the weekend with his grandparents so she could keep Bozo happy by doing what he wanted! He has cheated on her, left her alone for days with the baby with no phone, no car, very little food in the house, and no money. She still thinks he's wonderful! She has left him and came home several times but in a few days she's right back with him again. She actually did file for divorce once and Bozo was all for it until he realized that he would have to pay child support, which would mean that he'd have to get and keep a real job, just like the rest of the adults! So he promptly told her that he loved her and missed her and didn't want a divorce, and she went right back to him again!

    So now, at 18 months old, the baby is happy and healthy and spends every weekend, at least four days a week, with his grandparents while his parents run around. Can't have a little thing like YOUR CHILD cramping your style, can you! My niece had to choose between making her baby her priority or her worthless husband, and she apparently made her choice. HE will always come first with her. He still cheats on her, calls her names, works only when he feels like it, and spends every dime in the bars. And my niece worships the ground he slithers on! My brother and sister-in-law are supporting the baby and pretty much raising him - they buy his food, his diapers and his clothes and pay all his doctor bills. He calls my brother "Daddy". Kind of ironic that just about the same time they were realizing that they would be raising this grandchild, their own youngest child (my nephew) was graduating from high school! So now at age 57, with their own kids all grown up, they are starting all over again with another baby to raise!

    I really hope it turns out differently for your daughter and grandchild. In my experience though, my brothers situation is far from uncommon.
  7. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    No words of wisdom just sending some gentle hugs. :(
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Dang girl - you get the ROCK award -

    Still providing good advice and support from a distance - BRAVO WARRIOR MOM

    HUGE basket of hugs so that when you need one or 10 you can take as many as you need.

  9. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Don't know that I have anything to tell you that you haven't already thought of.....just know we are thinking of you as you travel this path with your daughter......I keep hoping that a lightening bolt of wisdom would come down and strike all difficult children.......
  10. fionamay41

    fionamay41 fionamay41

    wow like looking in a mirror when i read your post daughter 18 not difficult child but by no means easy child either. couple of months pregnant living with partner no job no adquate housing won't listen to reason knows everything etc
    stay strong look after yourself