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Update on my present adventures....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687883" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>RE, what a lovely post. My son is younger. 27. </p><p></p><p>Reading your post, I believe I am doing something similar to you (except I front-loaded all the therapy and even though I would benefit now, I am burnt out.)</p><p></p><p>I can say my son has changed. </p><p></p><p>He is very motivated to be near us. He tries to cooperate (to a point.) His kind-heart, sense of humor, compassion, have returned. I love to be around him, now.</p><p></p><p>He is way less aggressive, oppositional, hostile. I mean way less. </p><p></p><p>At the same time there is an element of what you describe in your daughter. </p><p></p><p>I think the fundamental issue that plagues us still is that he is an adult, and he does not really act like one. He does not take on (fully) the mantle of fully accepting the consequences of his commitments and responsibilities. i.e. monitoring himself, being accountable to make sure that what he agrees to is accomplished or maintained.</p><p></p><p>He is dependent upon outside supervision to do so. Seeing that we are there to see him and to check him. </p><p></p><p>So while he has benefited from being close to us, the changes in many things are skin-deep. </p><p></p><p>But I cannot discount the radical changes he has made on his own volition. Really important changes. </p><p></p><p>I have asked him to leave the house I own where he is staying. Last night. On important things he did not follow through. </p><p></p><p>It is hard to know how to see this. Because clearly I can see that he did not follow through because those things <em>were not important to him</em>, but important to me. But we come down to the fact that I have a right to impose rules if he is living in my space and around me. </p><p></p><p>The question is, is it fair or right for me to impose conditions on him that I want for him, and to which he is indifferent or opposed. Like marijuana.</p><p></p><p>He does not realize how colored is his life in a negative way by the marijuana. He is morose. He is depressed. He looks dejected and unhealthy. When the euphoric effect has worn off. But there is no sustained buy in from him about leaving it alone, when we are at a distance. </p><p></p><p>We are left in the no-win situation of either letting him be, to do what he wants, and living with the consequences. Or keeping tight rein so he does not leave our sphere of control.</p><p></p><p>A little bit it seems like your situation with your daughter in your house. When you are there and able to run a tight ship, she and you are doing fine. More to the point, she does so much better in your environment. But is unable to maintain it without your sustained presence. Because she is not committed to it in herself. For whatever reason. </p><p></p><p>As I write this I am better able to understand my son.</p><p></p><p>But the sadness, too, is that I am HAPPY with my son near me. At the same time I cannot let slide his sketchiness, shadiness--when he wants to impose his lifestyle upon us. It is very hard to know where to draw the line. </p><p></p><p>Because after all he is an adult. But at the same time he is an adult that seems unable to sustain an independent living situation or lifestyle that sustains him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687883, member: 18958"] RE, what a lovely post. My son is younger. 27. Reading your post, I believe I am doing something similar to you (except I front-loaded all the therapy and even though I would benefit now, I am burnt out.) I can say my son has changed. He is very motivated to be near us. He tries to cooperate (to a point.) His kind-heart, sense of humor, compassion, have returned. I love to be around him, now. He is way less aggressive, oppositional, hostile. I mean way less. At the same time there is an element of what you describe in your daughter. I think the fundamental issue that plagues us still is that he is an adult, and he does not really act like one. He does not take on (fully) the mantle of fully accepting the consequences of his commitments and responsibilities. i.e. monitoring himself, being accountable to make sure that what he agrees to is accomplished or maintained. He is dependent upon outside supervision to do so. Seeing that we are there to see him and to check him. So while he has benefited from being close to us, the changes in many things are skin-deep. But I cannot discount the radical changes he has made on his own volition. Really important changes. I have asked him to leave the house I own where he is staying. Last night. On important things he did not follow through. It is hard to know how to see this. Because clearly I can see that he did not follow through because those things [I]were not important to him[/I], but important to me. But we come down to the fact that I have a right to impose rules if he is living in my space and around me. The question is, is it fair or right for me to impose conditions on him that I want for him, and to which he is indifferent or opposed. Like marijuana. He does not realize how colored is his life in a negative way by the marijuana. He is morose. He is depressed. He looks dejected and unhealthy. When the euphoric effect has worn off. But there is no sustained buy in from him about leaving it alone, when we are at a distance. We are left in the no-win situation of either letting him be, to do what he wants, and living with the consequences. Or keeping tight rein so he does not leave our sphere of control. A little bit it seems like your situation with your daughter in your house. When you are there and able to run a tight ship, she and you are doing fine. More to the point, she does so much better in your environment. But is unable to maintain it without your sustained presence. Because she is not committed to it in herself. For whatever reason. As I write this I am better able to understand my son. But the sadness, too, is that I am HAPPY with my son near me. At the same time I cannot let slide his sketchiness, shadiness--when he wants to impose his lifestyle upon us. It is very hard to know where to draw the line. Because after all he is an adult. But at the same time he is an adult that seems unable to sustain an independent living situation or lifestyle that sustains him. [/QUOTE]
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