Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Update on my present adventures....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687998" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>No. He was supposed to leave yesterday. He is resisting. He agreed to come here to give me the key by 8:30am but has not shown. He does not want to leave.</p><p></p><p>He wants the place to stay, wants to be close in to us, is amenable to working with us kinda, sorta, on the houses. But his desired lifestyle is copious amounts of marijuana alternating with caffeine tablets. </p><p></p><p>Because he has a medical marijuana card at first, although I do not like his dependence and use, I left it alone. But his moods become so dark after he has used the stuff, he is withdrawn, there is such a personality change--I told him. In my space you cannot use marijuana or be under its affects. </p><p></p><p>By my space I meant my house and the other house where he is staying. </p><p></p><p>I knew when I said it it would be very hard to enforce and would lead to a showdown. But he is buying the plant on the street not with his card at a dispensary (far from here, costing a big part of his SSI to go on train and pay for it--another problem.) I feel I can legitimately prohibit illegal activity. But still, a set up for me.</p><p></p><p>We understand that developing a work ethic, we cannot force. But at the same time we do not want to help him to lay around and smoke weed. He does go to the library or Barnes and Noble most days if he does not work but I am not sure he does anything constructive.</p><p></p><p>I can hear other people saying here, one, that he is mentally ill, and will not necessarily want to live pursuing activities I consider constructive. That his lack of motivation emanates from his mental illness and to force him to motivate himself is a recipe for conflict.</p><p></p><p>Looking at it this way I can understand both his desire to have a stable, clean, safe place to stay, to be near family--and to make his own choices of how to live including marijuana, and laying around make sense--to him.</p><p></p><p>But we have achieved a great deal already from detaching. The overriding aim was for me to live. But he has changed mightily with me--not aggressive, loving, etc. He is adhering completely to important boundaries I set. So, my being strong and clear has helped immeasurable. By continuing to insist about things, I am coming from this place.</p><p></p><p>But we are two different people. I cannot make the parameters of his life. He must. </p><p></p><p>As I write this I am feeling that telling him to leave was too harsh. Even though he was using illegally bought marijuana in my house, when he promised not to. M says I need to be tough for him to get it, and then he will decide to better adhere. Sounds good in principle.</p><p>I guess the marijuana could fit in this category. </p><p></p><p>If I look at it through your eyes and not my own, his being in the street by his own choices--because he refused to adhere to my rules--has nothing to do with me. But it does. </p><p></p><p>And conversely, his using marijuana bought off the street, is not the act of a person about whom I am indifferent.My son is not a renter in my house. He is my son.</p><p>This is the goal. And the idea behind it was: if he wants to be by us (he does), supported by us (he does), he lives according to our priorities, not his own. </p><p></p><p>But my son's preference is to live by his own. Was there conflict between the two of you? Was there a period when she balked and pushed to determine her own agenda in your space?</p><p></p><p>It is the push-pull, his push back. There is conflict. Then he gives us one good day. And then when he thinks we have either forgotten, or have taken our stupid pills, he goes right back to doing things his way.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking now it might be better if he comes to stay in my own house, where I have more control. And then my house will turn into Syria, and i will have to spend my life hiding out in my bedroom if I do not get stronger.</p><p></p><p>RE, I am thinking I do not want him in the street again. He does not want this as his lifestyle, but does not want to accept our version of a lifestyle, without a fight, either.</p><p></p><p>Now 9:15 and still no son with a key.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, RE.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687998, member: 18958"] No. He was supposed to leave yesterday. He is resisting. He agreed to come here to give me the key by 8:30am but has not shown. He does not want to leave. He wants the place to stay, wants to be close in to us, is amenable to working with us kinda, sorta, on the houses. But his desired lifestyle is copious amounts of marijuana alternating with caffeine tablets. Because he has a medical marijuana card at first, although I do not like his dependence and use, I left it alone. But his moods become so dark after he has used the stuff, he is withdrawn, there is such a personality change--I told him. In my space you cannot use marijuana or be under its affects. By my space I meant my house and the other house where he is staying. I knew when I said it it would be very hard to enforce and would lead to a showdown. But he is buying the plant on the street not with his card at a dispensary (far from here, costing a big part of his SSI to go on train and pay for it--another problem.) I feel I can legitimately prohibit illegal activity. But still, a set up for me. We understand that developing a work ethic, we cannot force. But at the same time we do not want to help him to lay around and smoke weed. He does go to the library or Barnes and Noble most days if he does not work but I am not sure he does anything constructive. I can hear other people saying here, one, that he is mentally ill, and will not necessarily want to live pursuing activities I consider constructive. That his lack of motivation emanates from his mental illness and to force him to motivate himself is a recipe for conflict. Looking at it this way I can understand both his desire to have a stable, clean, safe place to stay, to be near family--and to make his own choices of how to live including marijuana, and laying around make sense--to him. But we have achieved a great deal already from detaching. The overriding aim was for me to live. But he has changed mightily with me--not aggressive, loving, etc. He is adhering completely to important boundaries I set. So, my being strong and clear has helped immeasurable. By continuing to insist about things, I am coming from this place. But we are two different people. I cannot make the parameters of his life. He must. As I write this I am feeling that telling him to leave was too harsh. Even though he was using illegally bought marijuana in my house, when he promised not to. M says I need to be tough for him to get it, and then he will decide to better adhere. Sounds good in principle. I guess the marijuana could fit in this category. If I look at it through your eyes and not my own, his being in the street by his own choices--because he refused to adhere to my rules--has nothing to do with me. But it does. And conversely, his using marijuana bought off the street, is not the act of a person about whom I am indifferent.My son is not a renter in my house. He is my son. This is the goal. And the idea behind it was: if he wants to be by us (he does), supported by us (he does), he lives according to our priorities, not his own. But my son's preference is to live by his own. Was there conflict between the two of you? Was there a period when she balked and pushed to determine her own agenda in your space? It is the push-pull, his push back. There is conflict. Then he gives us one good day. And then when he thinks we have either forgotten, or have taken our stupid pills, he goes right back to doing things his way. I am thinking now it might be better if he comes to stay in my own house, where I have more control. And then my house will turn into Syria, and i will have to spend my life hiding out in my bedroom if I do not get stronger. RE, I am thinking I do not want him in the street again. He does not want this as his lifestyle, but does not want to accept our version of a lifestyle, without a fight, either. Now 9:15 and still no son with a key. Thank you, RE. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Update on my present adventures....
Top