Update on my son...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, May 27, 2016.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    I thought I would give you all an update as to where we are. So my son has not been able to find a job where he is. I have no idea how hard he has been looking but do know that without a drivers liscence, without transportation and a felony on his record it makes it harder. So he has been feeling really stuck in a cycle.... Rehab, sober living, relapse, rehab etc. Its true this has been his cycle. So he talked to the friend/mentor who he worked for last year out in the dessert. He has decided to move back to the dessert near this guy and work for him again.

    I have mixed feelings about this. I do think the absolute best thing for my son is to be working again. He loved working for this guy before and that was a big positive. However he got very isolated out there and the drinking got out of hand. So this time he will be living near the guy, has plans to try to make friends, will not be in exactly the same town he was in before... And is not reeling from the breakup with his girlfriend.

    He recognizes that he cannot use substances, such as alcohol to deal with his feelings but it sounds like he thinks he can still go out tor a beer with friends. At least he was honest with us about his thoughts on this but I think he is probably wrong about this. I told him he would be smart to at least make a rule that he doesn't drink alone and he agrees.

    So we are trying to be supportive and loving and let him find his way and hope for the best. At least right now he sounds positive rather than depressed and full of despair.....

    We went to our alanon meeting the other night and there was a really good reading about enabling.... Which I will put in another post.

    TL
     
  2. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Ugh. It sounds like he's a LITTLE more self-aware, but...he's still leaving himself that "out" of going out for "a beer" with friends.

    As long as he thinks he can drink AT ALL, he isn't gonna make it; because for him, there is no such thing as one drink.

    Darn. I had such hopes this time, too.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    But if he wants to do it, he can't be stopped.

    I did not trust my daughter until a year of sobriety. I think it is way to early before that long to know if they get it or not.
     
  4. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    True, SWOT. It's just that I've watched (and lost) so many I was close to to the cycle of "get clean/relapse" and it almost always this thinking of "well, I can still do this!" that gets them.

    And, having heard this thinking verbalized from friends I'm just now getting back in touch with, who are permanently damaged and in many cases still using, and hearing of others, plus the ones in my time, who are dead and gone, I just have gut-level reaction of pain and sadness to that thinking.

    I was just getting back on my feet from the losses of the drug days when AIDS hit...

    I know I come off as very pedantic and sometimes flaunting my knowledge, but a lot of my learning is an attempt to "know the enemy".

    I do have a heart and emotions.,
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Going North.... I think you are most likely right. I think the last relapse really got to him because he lost a lot and he did realize some things.... At the time it sounded like he finally got that he can't drink moderately.... But he is adjusting that again and I suspect this will send him back to full blown substance abuse. Hopefully before that happens though he will get some good work time in, which does make him feel good about himself......so maybe that will help him get to the point where he really commits to being sober. Who knows..... I just have to let him figure it out.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Maybe next time he is prepared to make a commitment to sobriety he will consider a program where work is a part.

    I know how much you and your husband have been with your son through this recovery process. I know how hard it is when our children make choices that we perceive are not in their best interests.

    Like you say, it is a process.

    I am struggling with my own son. Sometimes too embarrassed at the mistakes I make to post. Last night we had a blow out here at the house and both M and I ordered my son out--it came to yelling.

    I felt very sad. That is always my reaction. Because I do not want him homeless, but I do not want to help him live in the same way he has been.

    M said: We have to find a solution to this. How to help him. I stayed silent.

    When I went to where M was working today, to bring him lunch, there was son working along side him. My son is the one who has to find a solution to this, not me. Not M. When I remember this, we succeed. When I reach too far, things go awry.

    Our sons are doing this. Not as we would want. But as they do. It has to be good enough.

    You are very strong, TL. People tell me I am strong, although I do not feel it sometimes. Maybe this is part of the learning for both of us. And for our sons. How to let them do this.
     
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  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    PS

    TL, I have been reading your threads for a long while. I believe son is gaining in maturity, discipline and responsibility. It seems that way, from afar.
     
  8. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Copa, I've been following TL's son's story for a long time as well. He is making strides in personal growth, no question.

    The issue is that he always holds on the idea that he can use in moderation, which is impossible for the type of addiction that he has.

    The other big concern is that IIRC, TL's son was involved in pills in the past and it would be horrible if he relapsed to that point again.
     
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    My son at his worst times used whatever was available... I think alcohol became his drug of choice because it was the easiest for him to get once he turned 21. I too see him making progress but it sure is slow!! The fact that he really wants to work is a good thing.... And this guy he works for I think has been a good mentor to him. He is married, has a couple of kids and I think cares about my son... And also sees him working hard. I have never met him so I am basing this on things my son tells me so who knows.

    And yes Copa I get that we sometimes do things for them that others thing we shouldn't.... Because we don't want them to be homeless again. And I also get that deep deep wish to help them figure this out, to solve it for them. Cause this sure is hard on us!!! But in the end they have to solve it for themselves.

    I set boundaries this time around and would not give my son money unless he went to the IOP program. I stuck to it and I do think that was the right thing to do BUT the fact that he felt the arm of control from me I think made him less willing to really do the work. His relationship with the IOP changed when it wa son longer totally his thing. So now he has to go do his thing.... And I am not arguing with him or trying to convince him to do it any differently. I am not even arguing with him over weather he can drink or not. I backed off and just suggested that he make a rule for himself that he not drink alone as that is when he is drinking to deal with his feelings. Because he at this point can see that drinking to deal with feelings is dangerous for him he could acknowledge that that made sense.

    My hope at this point is that he goes back, gets into work again, makes some friends, is self supporting and so feels some pride in himself and that will somehow motivate him to truly be sober. I know that is a long shot..... But that is what I am holding on to for the moment. Meanwhile I am living and enjoying my life!!

    Oh and Copa... People tell me I am strong too. And I am and sometimes I know that I am.... And sometimes I am a complete wreck!
     
  10. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    TL, you and especially COPA, seem strong to me:).

    I love this quote that Kathy posted recently:

    "There is a saying in AA: Your drug of choice lays in the bottom of the glass."

    I really believe this and shared it via text with my son the other day. You see, when I was with him at family session 3 weeks ago, he shared with me the reason he relapsed last year when he was six months sober.

    He said, "Mom, when I relapsed after those 6 months, I didn't do it because I was depressed or anything like that. I was feeling good actually. It happened when I was hanging out with some girls at the beach one day. I was feeling good and cracked open a beer."

    I really believe any alcohol is dangerous for an addict. No matter if it's their drug of choice or not. I think my son's story is a great example.
     
  11. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Rebelson. You have a point there. An awful lot of addicts who have gone through or are going through withdrawal wind up addicted to alcohol or benzos.

    They used the etoh or benzos to ease the pangs of withdrawal, go too far, often in an attempt to sleep, and wind up with a new addiction(s). These new addictions carry withdrawals that are much worse than opioid withdrawals, and that can even be fatal. Heroin WD won't kill you if you are basically healthy going in, it'll just make you wish you were dead for a bit.

    I know of more than a few former heroin addicts who are now tied to the bottle.
     
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I agree and this is what worries me. A year ago my son was in bad shape and totally physically addicted to alcohol and needed detox. He knew he couldn't detox himself. So hopefully he will realize soon that he really can't drink or he will be back to where he was and need detox again.

    At least right now I know there is nothing more I can do to help him... He has to figure it out on his own. I hope he defies the odds but I am not counting on it at all.
     
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I remember, TL. I hope Son does too.
    I wish our kids were able to set the bar a bit higher. That is, to resist returning to the same old, same old--place where they already know they have problems and it leads to nowhere, or worse.

    We are here with you, TL.
     
  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Copa, basically it's a case of "the devil you know being less terrifying than the devil you don't know".
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    TL

    It sounds like your son is trying to stay on the right path. That is good and all you can hope for. I see in your signature that your son is young. My son is also young and I think it takes maturity for them to realize a lot of things that we wish they already knew as well as having self awareness.

    My son has moved himself into a new sober living not far from where he started out. It's a long story but it was a choice he made and we supported as long as he is sober. He is looking for a job there and hopes to take a few college classes once he is settled.

    Of course during this change I have been holding my breath and sitting back and letting him make some decisions on his own and not being sure of the outcome. It has been hard. I have let my husband take more of a lead on things as I tend to think with my heart. He is the youngest of his roommates. I told him that this could be a good thing, to see he hasn't wasted as much time as some others and maybe a sign that things can change for him if he drives that change.

    He is living his life and he is on his own journey. He has been learning how to deal with his anxiety being sober and that is a great thing to hear. It's one day at a time and really is up to him/them.
     
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