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Parent Emeritus
Update On Our 31 Year Old Son
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 607399" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh boy Scott, I so know how you feel. I am so sorry. It's all made so much worse for you since you and your wife are NOT on the same page and your son is now creating a rift between you and your wife. Unfortunately, that is all too common. You are wanting to detach, you wife is continuing to enable your son. He is 31 years old, you have every right to feel exactly the way you feel, he is manipulating your wife and taking advantage and worse, he is driving a wedge between you and your wife so he can continue to get his infantile needs met.</p><p></p><p>Have you tried going to therapy with your wife so you can build a bridge you can both stand on? With him in the picture, things will likely escalate until you all reach the boiling point. It may be prudent to attempt to avoid that and get some support for YOU and your spouse. It's devastating to detach from our adult children and all to often there are casualties...........I hope you and your wife can find a way to handle this together.</p><p></p><p>But for you? I agree with you. I believe you have every single right in the world to feel exactly as you do. He is a grown man. He is likely an addict. He is manipulative, a liar, lazy and needs to hit his own bottom where he can possible learn to pick himself up or not. Enabling him does him damage, sends a message that he is a victim who needs rescuing. It keeps them stuck. It is a disservice and in reality is done for us not them so as to keep that horrible feeling of powerlessness at bay. It is a negative and destructive pattern of behavior. I am sorry. You must feel so alone in all of this. In my opinion you are the only one facing the truth and seeing reality. And, yet you are being cast as the bad guy, that really bites.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 607399, member: 13542"] Oh boy Scott, I so know how you feel. I am so sorry. It's all made so much worse for you since you and your wife are NOT on the same page and your son is now creating a rift between you and your wife. Unfortunately, that is all too common. You are wanting to detach, you wife is continuing to enable your son. He is 31 years old, you have every right to feel exactly the way you feel, he is manipulating your wife and taking advantage and worse, he is driving a wedge between you and your wife so he can continue to get his infantile needs met. Have you tried going to therapy with your wife so you can build a bridge you can both stand on? With him in the picture, things will likely escalate until you all reach the boiling point. It may be prudent to attempt to avoid that and get some support for YOU and your spouse. It's devastating to detach from our adult children and all to often there are casualties...........I hope you and your wife can find a way to handle this together. But for you? I agree with you. I believe you have every single right in the world to feel exactly as you do. He is a grown man. He is likely an addict. He is manipulative, a liar, lazy and needs to hit his own bottom where he can possible learn to pick himself up or not. Enabling him does him damage, sends a message that he is a victim who needs rescuing. It keeps them stuck. It is a disservice and in reality is done for us not them so as to keep that horrible feeling of powerlessness at bay. It is a negative and destructive pattern of behavior. I am sorry. You must feel so alone in all of this. In my opinion you are the only one facing the truth and seeing reality. And, yet you are being cast as the bad guy, that really bites. [/QUOTE]
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