Update on Scott, the grown child who left the family

[BusynMember]

About two years ago (or maybe not that long ago?) I wrote a long post on my meeting in a church with Scott, the son my first husband and I had adopted from Hong Kong at age six, and his wife. I explained how nasty he was and how he had told his wife that he had been forced to pay the bills when he was a child, or some such nonsense like that and that he had handed me a To Do list of w hat I had to abide by in order to see him and his family at all. Included where ludicrous demands such as only meeting him in church or in a restaurant in which we all paid our own bills (as if I'd try to get a dinner off of him) and that I can only call him if I leave a clear message about WHY I want him to call me back. It was beyond ridiculous and his wife wept the whole time, bawling that she is afraid of me because I sent a few letters that were a little negative...yeah, yeah, I shouldn't have sent any letters, but they weren't scary or full of swear words or abusive...blah, blah, blah. Before this meeting I had been constantly in anguish over this son. I missed him so much. He had been such an easy child, so bright, so rewarding, and even kind...until he met his wife and decided that he was not going to be that person anymore and that he was going to assert himself and be the not nice adult he claims he always was. Until he agreed to see me after a five year layoff, I was always holding a piece of him in my heart and any reminder of him would send me into tears. He was so hateful during that meeting that it shocked me and I drove home deciding it was best not to contact him at all. I tore up his list of demands and I haven't spoken to him since. As I drove, I was clearheaded and very sure of myself. Our relationship was meant to be over. I had the closure I'd needed and knew I would not see him again nor did I particularly want to see him...this new person he had turned into.

Well, I believe two years have gone by. The weirdest thing happened last week. Aug. 30th sailed by without a thought of Scott and I had a fun week. Just yesterday I realized that Aug. 30, Scott's birthday and once a major trigger for depression, had come and gone and not only had I been absolutely fine; I hadn't even remembered. I don't know if that is cold-hearted or a good thing, but that's what happened. I can write about Scott today and not be upset in any way. I have stopped considering him my son and am so used to saying I have four kids and one grandchildren, excluding him, which I'm sure he is fine with. So in his seventh year of exile I am finally at total peace and completely accept that he is not my child, that he doesn't want to be and that I don't want him to be if that makes him happy and since he has such a mean streak in his heart. I realize I have shed my last tear over Scott. Not only that, but none of my other kids ever talk about him either anymore. I know my ex still sees him, probably very limited and on Scott's controlling terms, but that doesn't bother me either. It used to kill me that he saw his father, but not me. Now it doesn't matter.

So the update is really not an update at all. It's just that I am over Scott and have reached a peaceful closure. He is probably shocked that I never tried to contact him since that day we met, but I am certain he isn't sad about it at all, just surprised that I let him go, if he even thinks about me and his siblings. He claimed at our meeting that he didn't and I basically believe him.

Anyhow, not sure anyone can say anything, but no need to try to make me feel better because I'm good. Just want to say that I'm surprised that I could get over Scott so completely. I didn't think it was possible, yet here I am. Weirdly, I feel as if I never knew him...and I don't think I did.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I actually think this is a great update. In a different world, who knows. But this life he has chosen and the decisions he has made have made this the reality. I am so glad to hear such peace and acceptance and such a letting go. I think it's probably the hardest skill on the planet for most of us. You've down great in my opinion.

A bit different than a parent/child relationship, but I remember telling pcs father that when the day comes I stop talking and stop trying, he will know I'm truly done. And that's exactly what happened. Once done, I was able to truly just be over it all and move on and he didn't cross my
Mind.

 

[BusynMember]

After the way he acted at our meeting, so cold and dismissive of my having any importance to him, it was not hard to walk away without tears and with new understanding. It took about a year before I realized he had slipped from my mind. It did not take any work or therapy to get to this point. His behavior, a coldness that chilled me to the bone, caused me to be able to let him go. His wife's attitude and the way he perceived his childhood allowed me to let them both go. And, frankly, I don't want them back. This is not the child I raised from 6-19 (before he moved out). This is somebody else, a stranger, somebody who judges harshly, never forgives, and not a person I would chose to know if fate hadn't put us together so long ago. A child who really feels as if he is your son or daughter can not let go of you so coldly and completely. Eventually there is always something (good or bad) that pulls you into the same orbit. Scott does not feel like any part of us and I have come to feel the same way about him...

I know it's maybe wrong, but I can't help it. An unattached child is very hard to love when he clearly feels nothing for you. It is useless to fight this battle. I know he is prosperous and his needs are cared for so I don't worry about him either. He has his own business and tons of money...he needs nothing from us. His wife and her family love him very much so he does not lack that either. All I needed from him was closure and I'm grateful I got it.

 

[Hound dog]

I think it's a great update too, for you. I'm glad you've found peace with this.

Hugs

 

[Fran]

MWM, if you are at peace with yourself then you will be a better parent, spouse, friend and decision maker. I'm glad you have found that peace. I understand completely. Not with children but with others. You have to find that inner peace that you are done being the victim and wanting to beg for respect or love. You did the best you could even if there were some mistakes. It's up to him to find his own path and stop blaming everyone else.
Hugs.

 

[DDD]

I completely understand and am so glad that you have moved on. In a zillion years loving Moms never expect to be excluded from the adult life of a formerly loving child. The pain does lessen with time and it is possible to cherish the great memories of the past with-o yearning for future shared joys. I am happy for you. Hugs. DDD

 

[witzend]

MWM, the only thing I would point out is when you say "I know it's wrong". It's not wrong at all. I know it might seem that others would look at us as monsters because we have let our children go, but only if that's the only thing they know. If they know everything you know about Scott, or everything I know about L, they'd totally get it. I still worry when I explain something to an old friend that already knows our situation about for example what happened with the demand for my DNA and that I told her to never contact us again. But everyone to the very last person says, "you did the right thing". For some reason, every time I hear that I feel first as though I've dodged a bullet, and then a sense of peace knowing that there is nothing wrong because I've made an adult informed decision, and haven't let something unpleasant control me

MWM, you have done the right thing, and I can't tell you how proud I am of you for not being triggered by a birthday. We both know that there are days - fewer and further between - that trigger a memory of a time or thing long ago, but it's what we do with that memory that counts. You stayed in the present, and that's what life is about.

 

[busywend]

I am so happy for ou to not be saddened anymore! Good for you!