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Update on special needs grandson custody
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 663039" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Tish, everything you are feeling I would feel.</p><p></p><p>The weight of all of this is on you. If your husband goes to work each day that is his escape, his time-out. Where is yours?</p><p></p><p>While you may have chosen to care for your grandson, how much of a choice, really, was it? It was the least-bad of alternatives that were all themselves unacceptable and you chose it at the cost of yourself.</p><p></p><p>And even as the year commitment moves closer to the point of returning to your life, it is like walking a gangplank, anxious and fearful at what will become of your grandson and how will that affect you?</p><p></p><p>One way to do this is to try to have blinders on, kind of like on a march to the end, without looking sideways. Like a marathon. Sustaining yourself and your strength as you complete your course, avoiding distraction as best you can.</p><p></p><p>From this way of thinking your son is nothing more than a distraction right now. You cannot do one thing to change his choices or his commitments. You are doing this for your grandson and yourself, with the hope your son will do the right thing.</p><p></p><p>How hard. Because it means there is nothing you can do along the way to optimize the chance there will be a positive outcome at the end of the road...to make your sacrifice really worth it....because after all you are doing this for your grandson to stay in his family. And you cannot control the outcome.</p><p></p><p>The only other thing you can do is rethink the original commitment, about what options there might be now or before one year. For foster placement. Or adoption.</p><p></p><p>If you do not want to consider the latter, then it comes down to your choice. Without conditions. That as an act of love and responsibility, without conditions, you choose to give your son and grandson one year with the possibility that the parent gets it together.</p><p></p><p>The thing that must be accepted is this: waiting the full year may make it harder not easier for you and for your grandson.</p><p></p><p>The other thing that you are facing, and realistically so, is that if you choose to rethink the one year commitment, your husband may disagree. Your marriage is a factor and responsibility as well, for each of you. The differences in priorities and the inequity of responsibilities in the commitment are a real thing.</p><p></p><p>To me, I think your husband is in the same place as you are on this. In his pain, frustration and helplessness, he cannot wrap around his mind around the possibility he cannot make this work out for his grandson. He is not the kind of person to let go on a child of his flesh and blood, nor are you. Your husband knows in his heart, I think, that the priority is you. But still, he cannot give up. You are both hanging on by pure force of will.</p><p></p><p>I agree with Tanya that any couple would need help communicating about, understanding and deciding in this impossible situation.</p><p></p><p>You stated the truth. Choosing to complete the year offers no guarantee even probability that your son will be able to or even willing to parent his child. How could any mother or grandmother not feel as you are?</p><p></p><p>I know you have a Psychologist Tish. Is there a chance of upping the frequency of appointments, and supplementing with Al Anon?</p><p></p><p>In time others will weigh in. Try to stay on the board with us Tish. Share some of the weight with us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 663039, member: 18958"] Tish, everything you are feeling I would feel. The weight of all of this is on you. If your husband goes to work each day that is his escape, his time-out. Where is yours? While you may have chosen to care for your grandson, how much of a choice, really, was it? It was the least-bad of alternatives that were all themselves unacceptable and you chose it at the cost of yourself. And even as the year commitment moves closer to the point of returning to your life, it is like walking a gangplank, anxious and fearful at what will become of your grandson and how will that affect you? One way to do this is to try to have blinders on, kind of like on a march to the end, without looking sideways. Like a marathon. Sustaining yourself and your strength as you complete your course, avoiding distraction as best you can. From this way of thinking your son is nothing more than a distraction right now. You cannot do one thing to change his choices or his commitments. You are doing this for your grandson and yourself, with the hope your son will do the right thing. How hard. Because it means there is nothing you can do along the way to optimize the chance there will be a positive outcome at the end of the road...to make your sacrifice really worth it....because after all you are doing this for your grandson to stay in his family. And you cannot control the outcome. The only other thing you can do is rethink the original commitment, about what options there might be now or before one year. For foster placement. Or adoption. If you do not want to consider the latter, then it comes down to your choice. Without conditions. That as an act of love and responsibility, without conditions, you choose to give your son and grandson one year with the possibility that the parent gets it together. The thing that must be accepted is this: waiting the full year may make it harder not easier for you and for your grandson. The other thing that you are facing, and realistically so, is that if you choose to rethink the one year commitment, your husband may disagree. Your marriage is a factor and responsibility as well, for each of you. The differences in priorities and the inequity of responsibilities in the commitment are a real thing. To me, I think your husband is in the same place as you are on this. In his pain, frustration and helplessness, he cannot wrap around his mind around the possibility he cannot make this work out for his grandson. He is not the kind of person to let go on a child of his flesh and blood, nor are you. Your husband knows in his heart, I think, that the priority is you. But still, he cannot give up. You are both hanging on by pure force of will. I agree with Tanya that any couple would need help communicating about, understanding and deciding in this impossible situation. You stated the truth. Choosing to complete the year offers no guarantee even probability that your son will be able to or even willing to parent his child. How could any mother or grandmother not feel as you are? I know you have a Psychologist Tish. Is there a chance of upping the frequency of appointments, and supplementing with Al Anon? In time others will weigh in. Try to stay on the board with us Tish. Share some of the weight with us. [/QUOTE]
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