Update on today and difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Childofmine, Jun 25, 2014.

  1. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Well, friends, the day has come and isn't quite gone but I don't know any more than I did this morning. Isn't that just the way of difficult children? I get prepared and then....nothing. Of course, I never can be prepared for what happens, just like today.

    Usually, court is over by noon. My (great) plan was to call the court office and find out the disposition of his case before I went to see him for the scheduled visit at 2. Did that, but court was still in session and the clerks were still in court so no info.

    I went to the visit at 2, got there early, at 1:45 and they called us back late at about 2:10, only to say that the technology for the video system was having trouble. Finally they got it working, and then they came to get me and said difficult child was still in court and so no visit.

    So I called the court office again---no info yet. They suggested I call back at 4, since they close at 4:15. I did, still no info.

    I'll call in the morning.

    I am smiling wryly at it all and at myself. I'm telling myself to lean in, instead of getting all freaked out about not knowing something RIGHT NOW. I don't need to know right now, and that's why I don't know right now.

    Of course, friends and family are calling and texting so....ugh to that.

    My beloved sister---like I have posted before---texted me at 1ish: What happened with ____ yesterday? Well, first of all, really, you text that kind of question? Really????? Also, it wasn't yesterday, it is today. She knew that.

    I didn't respond. I know, I'm probably on edge but it makes me crazy when she does that. She can't even pick up the phone to call---she has to fire off a text. It just feels very insensitive to me.

    Then later she called and left a voice mail. She and my mom were in the car, and she said "Just curious (!!!!????) about what happened with _______. Call when you get a chance."

    Curious. What a strange and impersonal word to use. Am I just taking out my angst on her like difficult child does me? Probably. But it really gets under my skin. It really does. It is hurtful.

    Again, trying to lean in. Sat on the front porch this morning and read Chodron's Uncertainty book for a while. Great book, so much wisdom about how to change our own wiring and just let go. Lean in. Let go of the need to control. I need to read this every day.

    While I really don't want to have to respond to friends and family, I did want to tell you all. You get it. You understand. The highs and lows. I don't have to spell it out. I am grateful for you all today.

    I may hear from difficult child tonight. If I do, I'll let you know. Or tomorrow.

    It is what it is. Let time take its time. Distance, silence and space are okay. Lean in. I'll know when I need to know. Trying to take my own advice. I'm going to go watch a movie. Thanks for being here.
     
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  2. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    COM - I have no wise words of wisdom but I wanted to let you know I'm here. I get it. I understand everything you're going through. It is a hell that no other person will ever understand unless they, themselves, have been through it. I don't even speak to certain family members anymore because they always grill me about difficult child and what he's doing. They don't ask because they want to help. They ask because they're just "curious" and want to gossip amongst themselves. And like you said, it's hurtful.

    I know it's hard to sit back and wait. That's always the worst part for me. I hate the waiting. I just want to know! Now! But unfortunately we have no control over that sometimes and all we can do is wait. But in the meantime - keep reading about letting go and taking time to let it all soak in and that time you spend waiting will not be wasted.

    Just know I'm here thinking about you and sending big hugs your way!


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  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I so hate those "hurry up and wait" situations, I can imagine your frustration level when your sister sent that text, then "just curious" ??? what the F#$@ is that about? I would ask next time talk to her if asking because cares or just trying to give me a stroke?

    For what it's worth my sister often says things to me that make me wonder why she doesn't keep her mouth closed and just sucker punch me? Though I know it's because she knows I would open the whole can of whoop a** on her if she did, so she says these little snips that sound caring but knows I will still be steamed about it years later.

    A movie sounds like a good idea, hopefully you can find a good comedy. We all need to laugh anytime we can.

    sending hugs and positive energy

    Nancy
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If it makes you anxious, turn off the phone for now or don't read the texts. Can't tell you how hard it was to train myself not to read every text, but I did learn!

    I very much agree with you that everything is for a reason...even having to wait teaches us something and is for a reason. If you can go with that, I think it can get you through it. You are strong...you can do it.

    Hoping for the best news possible!!!! Let us know!
     
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    So....I have been wanting to see 12 years a slave and so I got it on ondemand. Very powerful movie but obviously NOT a comedy.

    Maybe not the best choice for tonight.

    But...Gave me an excuse to cry hard and put my situation in perspective.

    This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.




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  6. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Every once in a while we all need to sit down and have a good cry, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

    Nancy
     
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    difficult child just called. They are letting him out of jail tonight. Time served.

    He wanted to know if he could come here. I said no.

    I hate this cycle of insanity. Nothing ever changes, just the same thing over and over again.

    I told him to call me tomorrow and I would bring him his backpack.

    I can't believe this is happening all over again. When does this ever end?
     
  8. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Uggggh COM! I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel right now. It really is a never ending cycle. I'm sending you lots of prayers and extra strength. Stay strong! Xoxoxo


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  9. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    COM,
    i am so sorry you are dealing with this again, as JFK said above.

    I know you are right in not letting difficult child stay at your place. I know he needs to connect the dots between his decisions and the outcomes. Still, this is not easy.

    So sorry you are dealing with this,

    and HUGS,

    SS
     
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy COM, I so know how you feel, that hamster wheel we get in with our kids is relentless. I'm sorry. I know the futility and the sorrow you feel.

    Let us know how you are doing tomorrow...........sending you prayers and good thoughts and caring hugs.......hang in there..........
     
  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh COM, sorry to hear that. I think that "NO" was the right thing to say. I am hoping with your "NO" that something will change for him this time. Please keep us posted.
     
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Thanks to you all. I am really struggling. I called two people in Al-Anon last night. My mind was reeling. I don't know how to assimilate this and I'm just so very tired of it all.

    At the same time, he is my son.

    I just don't know how this is ever going to be redeemed.

    I am scared for his life and his safety. I just feel so sad and so scared. I don't want to do this anymore.

    I have prayed and prayed and prayed that he will allow God into his life. I believe God is standing by, hat in hand, ready to help, but my son doesn't want his help.

    The call was brief. He made one comment: I worked my magic. When I asked how it happened that he got out.

    I have no idea of his state of mind. I can only assume it is the same.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    So he is pleased that he used big eyes and promises and lies to get out. That's so sad and so typical of our difficult children. Their greatest gift is manipulating those who want them to do well and want to help them.

    At least this chapter is over now and I hope you can find some peace today. I'm hitting an Al-Anon meeting today too because there are no CODA meetings and all twelve steps work just as well for me. I'll say a prayer for you.
     
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  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that you are back in that horrible, horrible place.
     
  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    COM, this stopped my heart.

    I hadn't seen your posting until this morning. I was reading along, imagining how I would feel when ~ BOOM ~ I came to this.

    It's like living under a curse where we never know what time it is.

    You spoke the words correctly, COM. difficult child does not need to know what it cost you to say them.

    You have tried the other way.

    This is a very hard thing. Time will pass.

    That is the only thing I know for sure. Time will pass. This will only be what happened, a hard thing that was met head on.

    Acknowledge your courage in this, COM.

    It was a hard thing, but you know it was a right decision.

    ****************************

    I am sorry your sister added another dimension, another layer of cruelty and confusion, to what was already impossibly painful. They like to strike while the iron is hot. It is difficult to find us off balance unless something has happened to one of our kids, to those we love, and we have sustained a heart wound.

    There was a time when my current position would have been unimaginable to me. I suppose our sisters feel some kind of validation in the devastation created in our lives as our children fall and fall and fall.

    I don't know why. It must have been very hard for them to have seen us, happy. Years ago, my sister told me she and her religious fundamentalist cohorts prayed and prayed a "ring of thorns" around my family to "bring me to the Lord".

    Given what has happened to all of us, I sometimes wonder about that. And about her, and about who she is, really.

    ****************

    We are here, COM.

    Going through these kinds of things with our children is like watching our insides tear themselves apart. It is impossible to do the right thing. We do it anyway.

    It doesn't work.

    So, we learn more. We do the next right thing.

    It doesn't work.

    We learn more.

    We do the next right thing.

    Around us, everything is falling apart.

    We let go.

    It is what it is.

    How sad that is, when we were committed, for all of our lives, to making it better...I think we did not lose often, COM. Not that we did not meet challenge after challenge. We did.

    We are meeting these challenges with our kids correctly, too. It doesn't look or feel like it.

    We have not given up.

    Hang on, COM.

    You have done hard things before.

    Cedar
     
  16. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    It's the same for me COM. Every. single. day. I am scared for his life. I am sad that he's homeless and struggling. I don't want to do this anymore. I want him to be safe and functioning and have a normal family life. I have literally had that "sick to my stomach with dread" feeling every second of every day since he's returned to streets of NJ. I keep waiting for it to get easier but it's not. Yes, I'm better at sticking to boundaries but this still consumes my life. It kills me a little every time I have to say "No, you can not come here." It kills me that he's living at a train station. It kills me that I haven't seen or hugged my son in 9 months and I won't allow myself to do so until he's off the streets and stable, which in reality may be never. It kills me that, by choice, I will not be seeing my oldest son on Tuesday, his 20th birthday. So many things, every single day are slowly killing me and like you, I don't want to do this anymore.....

    I'm so SO sorry you're dealing with this COM. I'm praying for you and for your difficult child.
     
  17. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear this. I hope things settle down a bit and you are able to keep your boundaries in place.
     
  18. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Wow.

    that is completely awful.

    and so consistent with all of our stories.

    This was a good place, Child. Smile wryly at yourself again. You'll find that place again.

    I am starting to understand that it may not end in our lifetimes.

    Child...you have come so very far from when I first "met" you. You know the questions. You know how to lean in. You know how to find your balance.

    And for now it is OK, even necessary, to cry and bang your head on the wall. We develop like a widening gyre. You are passing near the place of pain, not as close as last time, but it feels worse because you had come to believe you had grown past it...you didn't grow past it Child, but you are stronger. So much stronger.

    "Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer"

    Rumi

    and Echo too.
     
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