Haven't posted in a while - too overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, angry too spill it even here. We have upped the ante with difficult child 2, revisiting and refining house rules and holding the line on them as consistently as is humanly possible. easy child has been allowed to be gone from home most of the time as her summer is nearly over and it's just plain safer that way. At this point, he understands that any physical violence is absolutely going to end with him back in juvenile hall. None of his support team feels and we agree that juvie would have a deterrent effect since it's clear he's truly not rational a great deal of the time. It will probably just add fuel to the flame when he does come home. So we are trying to hold on here until he either learns to alter his behavior or the support team becomes convinced he can't be maintained safely at home. Our safety plan now includes my having a key to a neighbor's house and their alarm code so I can go there at any time for safety and to call the police. When I went to talk to them about needing their help in case I needed a place to go they were very supportive. that was a huge relief. No blaming, just sympathy that things are so bad right now. But they also clearly had a hard time wrapping their brains around the whole idea because after about 10 minutes they finally said out loud "so are you afraid he's going to hurt you?" and I looked at them and said "yes, that's why I'm here." I am waking up with anxiety attacks most mornings because I am the one home alone with him most of the time. And of course I am the one he has decided is to blame for all his woes. My psychiatrist gave me an rx for Xanex yesterday but I doubt I will use it. I have to be functional from the moment I wake up. It's scary and sad to feel afraid of my own son - I know you all know what I mean. Especially because we still have moments of sharing and closeness, rare but I treasure each one and try to let them unfold without any comment or pressure from me. Anyway, we feel like there has been some incremental improvement. Sometimes after we disengage after setting a limit he will also disengage which we think is a hopeful sign. And he has not actually been physically aggressive the past 6 days beyond throwing things that were unlikely to actually hurt me. Instead he is focusing on verbal and physical intimidation like getting in my space and standing over me when I'm seated, trapping me in a room or corner briefly, etc. It is really, really pissing me off and that's what I'm afraid of - that I will lose it first and express my own frustration and anger physically or verbally, triggering him to escalate too. So, rattle the beads and send us good vibes. We need them here. Good thing is that wife has taken the entire month of august off and therapist and I have finally convinced her to ask her brother to let her and difficult child 2 come up and visit him. Hopefully that will be a positive experience although I just don't know if he will be able to handle it there either.