Update on us. Lots of changes

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Feb 25, 2013.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Thought I would give a little update on my family since so much has changed in the last week. First off I posted earlier about ex wanting to take custody of easy child. At first I was dead set against it. Then I thought a little bit more about it and my current instability. To be honest, I really have a lot on my plate right now with difficult child and her stomach issues, instability, and just typical typical teen behavior that really needs my attention right now. Add to that I have a hormonal preteen boy who is getting more and more defiant by the day. He absolutely will not listen to me. He walks all over me. Right now I have no backbone due to my depression. I don't have the energy to fight him about anything, so he has been getting whatever he wants. His dad does not have issues with him. When he is at his dad's, he is well behaved. Once he comes back into my care, all hell breaks loose again. Basically I can't control him. Ex really wants a chance with him. He grew up without a dad for the most part, so he wants to give easy child/difficult child the life he never had. I feel like I can't give easy child what he needs at this time in his life. He needs a strong disciplinary role model in his life and right now I feel like I can't be there for him. I feel like difficult child is enough for me to handle without adding undue stress of a preteen boy who is defiant, strong willed, and plays me for a fool for the most part. I have decided that my son is better off at his dad's for now.

    This was a hard decision to make, and I really prayed about it. I prayed hard during my vacation time last week. I have made up my mind to split up my kids, and that's not an easy thing for me to do, but I really feel like it is in all of our best interests. I have not told easy child yet. He sees his dad next weekend for visitation. His dad and I are going to sit down with him and tell him together. easy child/difficult child will not take it well at first, I'm sure. He is a total mama's boy. He does not like his dad's authority. He likes having no rules. His dad will be a strict enforcer of many rules and I'm sure easy child will resent him at first. So hopefully easy child doesn't feel like I am giving up on him (even though I feel like I sorta am) and I hope he understands my reasonings for what I am doing.

    Next, as you know, my apartment complex is choosing not to renew my lease. I have a little over a month to move out. I have decided to get another one bedroom apartment and live closer to where I work, meaning difficult child will transfer school districts. She will be attending the same school where I work. This is one decision that I hope and pray really works out for us. I am still not happy with her current school and her placement. We just attended another IEP on Tuesday to discuss possibly putting her in a gen ed math class so she could be integrated with more girls and have the least restrictive environment. Instead of moving her to a gen ed class, they want to put her in a very small, self contained "special class" with only three kids, all boys. Ummmm, hello? The whole purpose of this meeting was to put her in a lesser restrictive environment. The class they are offering is even more restrictive than the class she has now, which contains 8 kids. So basically difficult child will stay in the same class she is at now. So we're back to square one again. I think difficult child will benefit from the Special Education classes we have at my school. The classes are larger and have more girls. They do not consist entirely of mentally ill students. It will be a mixture of different kids. The school psychiatric here is amazing and I know difficult child will love him. So the move will happen within the next few weeks. The apartment search is on.

    Then there's the medication changes I have been going through. My very last dose of Geodon ever was a little more than a week ago. So far not good. My main withdrawal side effect was major anxiety with no sleep. I stopped taking it over the weekend before my one week Presiden't vacation. Basically for the first several days I was popping Xanax like candy to get rid of the symptoms. Not only was there anxiety, but I also had simultaneous feelings of mania and depression all at the same time. I felt like texting and calling every one of my friends and family to tell them how much I loved them, felt very social and wanted to go out and about, but at the same time I felt like taking large amounts of sleeping pills and going to sleep for days on end without talking to anybody. My emotions, were, and still are, very conflicted. I wasn't even stable enought to call psychiatrist so I had my mom do it for me. He ended up prescribing a medication called Saphris to help with the withdrawals. So far all the Saphris has done is make me sleep. I still have the mixed manic feelings and the anxiety attacks on and off. So psychiatrist says give the Saphris a week to see if it works. Well it doesn't. So I need a higher dose or another medication to help me. I would rather be totally 100% depressed than this horrible feeling have now. So it's back to psychiatrist to see what he can do. And as if that isn't enough......

    A week ago Friday we had an encounter with a man with a gun at the school I work at. The incident ocurred just before vacation. I had a parent come to my counter asking to take his daughter out of class for a doctor's appointment. Right away I got a creepy feeling about him. He looked like he hadn't washed his hair in weeks and there was something about the nervous way he talked that got my anxiety going. So I asked for his ID. He immediately put his hands in the air and told me he had nothing on him. Again got a very bad feeling. Normally when parents come to me without ID I tell them they cannot take their child out of school until they go back home, get proper identification, and show it to me. The feeling I got with this guy was that he was dangerous and I couldn't trust him. Planned on calling an administrator for back up. First I told him to wait while I went to my computer, still acting like everything was fine. I looked up his name in our system and saw that he has a restraining order filed against him. Right then my boss happened to be walking by and I told him I needed to speak with him urgently in his office. I then told him this man had a restaining order against him and was not to be allowed on campus.

    My boss took it from there. I sat back down at my desk while my boss went over to the man, standing just a few feet away from me, and told him he couldn't be on campus. The man suddenly lunges forward and pushes my boss hard in the chest. Then he announces he has a gun. Suddenly I see my boss wrestling with the guy, and I see a black gun waiving around. I freaked out and hid underneath my desk while someone else called 911, Then the principal came on the loud speaker and announced we were all on lockdown until further notice.

    I look up and see my boss lying on top of the man while another principal came there to back him up. My boss singlehandedly restrained this guy until a bunch of police showed up minutes later. The police comfiscate the gun and come to find out it's a freaking BB gun. But it sure looked real to me! So the police takes our statements and a bunch of people, including staff and teachers, come up to congratulate me for keeping our kids safe. I don't feel like the hero they are making me out to be. My boss is the hero! He did all the work. All I did was turn the guy in. So now a week later I am back at work. People keep coming up to me asking me how I'm feeling. I was a little bit worried about the guy making bail and coming after us with a real gun and shooting up the whole school. I have been assured that this guy will never be released anytime in the near future so I am worried for nothing.

    So that's been my life for the last week. A bunch of changes going on right now and I am far from stable but still, somehow, functioning. So I need some good luck and prayers sent my way that the psychiatrist can help me out of this feeling. I would take my depression back in a heartbeat rather than feel like this. And with all that's going on, I need some stability. So hopefully psychiatrist has some magic tricks up his sleeve. So anyway that's what's been going on with us the last week or so. Hopefully all is well with everyone else.
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, you are part hero. Maybe your boss wrestled the guy to the ground, but... if you hadn't kept your cool so well and quietly blown his cover... UGH.
    And... while BB guns may not be so fatal, they CAN do damage to people too.
    Wow.

    As far as your son goes? My biggest concern would be getting something in writing about medications. Obviously he needs them, and at one point X wasn't on-side with medications. Also make it clear to your son that this isn't permanent, but just seems to be what is best for both him and his sister right now.

    Switching difficult child to your own school district by moving... sounds like a better option than you have had. So, the "end of lease" might end up being a blessing.

    Sure hope the psychiatrist can find the right medications and get you stabilized!
     
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Do not discount the impact of that incident on your emotions. It may be medication related, but that trauma had an impact, too! That is real. And very scary. Glad you kept your cool and saved the day! Hero for sure!
     
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Anyone would be freaking out for a while after an incident like that, don't discount the effect it'll have on top of your withdrawal. Saphris is also used for PTSD (what I take it for, by the way). Sending good thoughts your way.
     
  5. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Well my boyfriend has been absolutely 100% unsympathetic with my anxiety following the incident. Right after it all happened, I texted him about it. I was still at work waiting until they let me go home. Told him I was having some anxiety about it. For the life of him he couldn't understand why I would be having anxiety after the incident was over. He texted me, "It's over now. The guy is in jail. What do have to feel anxious about?" He just doesn't get it. And then the withdrawal situation. He doesn't get that either. He thinks it's all in my head. One day last week he texted me to see if I had slept the night before. I texted him back telling him yes, I slept for maybe a couple of hours, and I still felt yucky. Told him I was still having the anxiety attacks. He immediately jumped on me. Told me I was being negative. Told me it was all in my head. Basically, according to him, I felt bad because I wasn't thinking positively enough. He even told me what I was supposed to text him. Told me I should have texted him to say "I finally slept good. I feel much better." But I didn't sleep good. I didn't feel better. I was having anxiety from hell. I then told him nevermind, from now on I will keep my negative thoughts away from him. So now I am not honest with him. He has no idea I am feeling half manic half depressed right now. He thinks I can control it if I really want to. He doesn't know I started taking Saphris. He thinks I need to go off all pills and stop being dependent on them. So, sorry to say, I don't have his support through all this.
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You have so much on your plate now with all the changes, your son going to his Dad's, moving, your daughter switching schools, changing medications, that very scary incident with that creep at your school..................you need support. I'm sorry to say this, but your boyfriend is acting like a dweeb, he needs to step up to the plate and throw his righteousness and his arrogance overboard and show up for you. Hiding your true feelings from him will backfire at some point, it is not healthy for you to do that. During all of these transitions you're in even a person who has no anxiety issues would be anxious and you throw in a guy with a gun, and you have a recipe for mega stress.

    CB, honestly, you deserve much better treatment then this guy is giving you. During such a major transition and that frightening incident, you deserve to have someone who is supportive and really listens to you, cares about what you have to say, is understanding about your anxiety and can support you in having whatever feelings you have, because to you, they're real, regardless of what they are to him. He is no authority on the best way to respond, is he kidding? That is absurd and controlling and ridiculous, don't allow him to treat you that way. Well, there are my 2 cents!! His response made ME angry!
     
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Grrrrrr. I hate that "If you just think positive it'll fix everything" attitude.
     
  8. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I hate that too. IF positive thinking was all it took then I'd have been cured years ago. Despite being bipolar, I am not a negative person. I have high hopes that I will eventually become stable. I haven't tried everything yet. Him telling me I am a pessimist who always looks at the glass as half empty is just wrong. I don't think like that at all. Despite having been together a year, I feel like he doesn't really know me at all.
     
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    What a week you had! I'm proud that you have come thru the storm and are preparing for the upcoming traumas. Yeah, I know you have issues but "push come to shove" you're doing a darn good job. DDD
     
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    CB, honestly I'd be a quivering mass of protoplasm if that happened to me! Your boyfriend needs to get a clue. And sure it's all in your head - doesn't make it IMAGINARY! It's just as real as a broken leg. Sheesh. He made ME mad too!
     
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Holy cow, what a week!
    You know, despite the gun incident (bravo to you and your boss, and bravo for trusting your gut!) the thing that jumped out at me was the lack of support from your boyfriend. Clearly, you have biologically based issues, and situational depression and anxiety added onto it, and if he doesn't get it now, he never will. You sure you want to stay with-him? I mean, you don't want to make yet another huge change in the space of one crazy week, but that's just the part that got to me the most. I wanted to fly through the screen and throttle him.
    It has taken me years and lots of literature print-outs to convince my husband that so much of what we have is neurological/biological and not just situational, and I think that living with-difficult child, in addition to my having "graduated" from the NAMI family-to-family class, I finally have some credibility. Sheesh. It's been a long journey.
    But I am running out of patience.
    Best of luck.
     
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I was thinking almost word for word what Terry wrote. Even about the boyfriend. Have you noticed other signs since telling him about your bipolar, that he may not really get it? You need someone who really can understand that this is a biochemical condition and that while you work on those thoughts etc....you also need to be medically stable and that is a rollercoaster, you need someone who can help you through the dips....by being supportive.

    I think you made a loving choice for your son. I hope they have a good Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) program at the new school and his being at a different address does not take you out of that loop! Make sure they know that you are to be invited to all meetings and that you need a separate notice of every school event including teacher conferences sent to your address. We asked all of our parents that, so that no one could ever say...well dad or well mom didn't tell me about it.

    I know you are worried about the lack of programs at the school you work in for your difficult child but hopefully the school psychiatric can help support you on that front, finding appropriate supports. Sometimes a good Learning Disability (LD)/sp ed teacher can be just as effective supporting kids (because Learning Disability (LD) kids can really be diverse and have lots of co-morbid conditions) and most schools have a resource room for that. Anyway, it will answer many questions you have by seeing how she does in this kind of setting and nothing is forever. If it doesn't work, well, then you monitor and adjust. that's my motto about everything with my difficult child!

    You have been through a ton and I think the fact that you can even list it all out with a plan for the big issues, wow. Even someone not dealing with medication issues would likely be overwhelmed with the kid and work issues you have faced (also with the ex issues). Will he continue to take difficult child on assigned days and will easy child have e/o weekend or some such schedule with you?? It is always a hard thing but you are being smart not to close any doors and if for now this is how it will work best, then you need to honor that. Life is sure messy, huh?

    Good job catching that the gun weilding man was not allowed to be at the school. Your principal was amazing! The poor child that he was trying to get to......must be a scary life for her/him.....

    Take care, be kind to yourself!
     
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

  14. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Deciding on a different living arrangment for your son is heart wrenching. Even if its what is best for him it still hurts. I wish I was close enough to reach out and give you a hug.
     
    Lasted edited by : Feb 26, 2013
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CB.....I think splitting the kids up and sending your son to live with his father is actually a very good decision at this time. Way to go! Im proud of you.

    I hope your apartment search goes well and you get a very nice place. I like the idea of a one bedroom plus a den so that you could sleep in there instead of in the living room. I actually heard of something recently called a Lovesac which is a cool piece of furniture and pretty darn cheap that would be great as a combo bed and couch for a den type deal. Your son could use it when he comes over and then you could sleep on the actual couch I guess.

    Now for the huge elephant in the room...your stability and your boyfriend. Really. Number one, give the Saphris a bit more time to work. I have always said you have to give a new medication at least 4 to 6 weeks before you can tell whether it is working or not unless there are obvious negative side effects such as a bad rash or hives. I wont even stop one for slight nausea. That can be managed. I would think you might want to talk to the psychiatrist about possibly increasing the dose but giving the medication a few more weeks before deciding it wont work because you havent had time for it to get into your blood stream at a therapeutic level. As far as boyfriend, if he cant get with the program, he either needs to come with you to a few therapy appts so he can hear first hand what it is like to have bipolar and get educated or its time for him to go. I have had people in my life who have told me I need to read that stupid book The Power of Positive Thinking and then all my issues would go away. Oh BS. I have also been told that if I would simply go to church more and tithe more I wouldnt have all these issues. Sigh. I just roll my eyes and thank them and feel sorry for such idiots who are so small minded that they never have had to deal with anything worse than a hangnail.
     
  16. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I think that letting your son live with his father might be a good thing for everyone. I know that this was a tough decision to make, but you have his best interests at heart and that is what is important. How will difficult child take the news about being split up from her brother?

    You absolutely are a hero on connection with the incident at school!! You knew in your gut that something was not right and you went with that thought. You kept a student safe. Yes, you were not the one to wrestle the guy to the ground, but you kept your cool and alerted the principal that the guy was not supposed to be there. BB gun or no, someone still could have gotten hurt and that did not happen because the first person this guy came into contact with at the school - YOU - kept her wits about her. I applaud you!!!

    I know all about not getting the support you need with your anxiety. It stinks to high heaven when you need someone to tell you that they get or want to help, and all you get is, "You need to think positive." Right. Because the powered positive thinking cures everything, right?
     
  17. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Well I have talked extensively to several people on my bipolar support group and they think I should dump my boyfriend. He simply does not get me. But I am not willing to walk away just yet. We have known each other for three years and have been seeing each other for a year. I have fallen in love with him. I plan on having a talk with him the next time I am alone with him about needing more support from him. He says I'm negative but in reality he is the negative one. Telling me I'm pessimistic when I'm having an anxiety attack when really all I need for him to do is listen to me and tell me everything is okay. Now I feel like I can't be honest with him when I'm having a bad day or I'm really anxious. I hide it and tell him that everything is fine and dandy. And that's wrong. I can't continue to live my life that way. So in two weeks we'll see how he takes it. In two weeks is when we also letting the kids know of the change in living arrangements. For now difficult child has no idea her brother will be moving to her dad's. She knows her dad was thinking about taking my son a couple of weeks ago. Her only response was, "Thank God him and not me." So she will handle it well, I'm sure. Lots of changes happening in the next couple of weeks so I gotta make sure I'm as stable as possible. I am going to call psychiatrist later today at my lunch break to tell him the current dosage of Saphris isn't working. He told me to give it a week and now it's been seven days. So we'll see what he has to say about it now. Hoping my current emotional state goes away soon. Right now I'm irritable and restless. I wish I could fast forward to next month already. I want to be totally moved in with difficult child at my school and my son safely at his dad's. For now I need to learn patience and to give it some time.
     
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CB, with all your issues and all the transitions you're in , I think you're doing an incredible job of being clear, making good choices, examining your options, being patient under trying circumstances, being very brave under exceedingly stressful circumstances (the incident at school) and looking at the best ways to get your needs met. Great job! And, for the record, unless your boyfriend changes pretty dramatically, I agree with your support group to let him go. Sometimes we have to let go of what we have in order to allow what we really need and want, and it seems that you need more then he is able to give. There are men out there, if that is what you want, who would be able to meet your needs and give you the support and love and care that you deserve. I applaud you for your tenacity, your strength and your courage..........you're doing a really good job on all fronts.
     
  19. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Well thank you recovering for your kind words. Sometimes I don't feel very strong but I've been through worse so I know I'll get through it. My boyfriend has been very quiet and distant from me in the past couple of days so I'm worried he is going to drop the bomb soon like as in break up with me. Right now he has me very insecure. But I know if it does happen and I am suddenly alone again I will deal with it as I always do.
     
  20. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Guys are geared to fix things and feel wrong when they can't, so be clear with him that what you need is simply support and a sympathetic ear, not to be fixed.
     
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