Update on us

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by greenrene, Aug 7, 2014.

  1. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Trying not write a novel here. For those who don't remember...

    After getting to the end of our rope with difficult child, we sent her to a TBS last spring (2013). FINALLY I had some respite, I began to see a wonderful therapist, and I was getting my life back.

    Also, last fall, I had a baby. He is now 11 months old and a complete joy.

    Anyway, the TBS was very $$$$, but it was a godsend. difficult child was finally getting the help she needed. Then, after several months had passed, my husband and mother in law got it into their heads that the TBS was money-gouging. difficult child's issues were/are so severe that she was slow to progress in the program, and her projected graduation date meant that she would be staying at the TBS longer than the typical stay. This was not at all surprising to me, as I'm very well aware how difficult child is.

    Well, once husband and mother in law made it all about the $$$$, it was all downhill from there. They distrusted every suggestion for testing and educational opportunities that the TBS had, seeing it as the school trying to "sell" something.

    So, without discussing anything with me, asking my opinion, or anything to that end, husband and mother in law decided to withdraw difficult child from the TBS this past June. I was/am very angry because, although I had no say in this whatsoever, this decision turned MY life upside down - I'm the main caregiver, husband works and isn't around much, and mother in law has chosen to be at her vacation home rather than here to support difficult child in her transition home.

    My only hope is that difficult child is enrolled in another boarding school that is in-state - a school for kids with learning issues. However, it doesn't have anywhere near the structure and therapeutic environment that difficult child desperately needs. That and, the school is predominantly male. Hardly a good place to send an immature, boy-crazy, attention-seeking, vulnerable, pretty girl who also happens to have a size DDD chest!

    Since being home, difficult child has already lost her phone, computer, and Kindle Fire for inappropriate texting/celebrity obsession. Many if not most of her old issues are coming to the forefront, and I'm just counting down the days until she's out of my hair again.

    The one big difference is that I can tell she's making a big effort to get along with me. I do appreciate that. But in other ways, it's like she's learned nothing.

    I still don't think we have an accurate diagnosis, nor do I think she's on the right medications. That was something I'd hoped would be helped at the TBS.

    I'm planning to be more involved in her stay at this new school because I feel like this is our very last shot at getting her help. I've grown and healed a lot in therapy, and I feel strong enough to do this. I know if I leave everything up to husband, nothing will get done.

    Anyway, there's a lot more, and I can share more later if anyone's interested. Right now the baby is sleeping, and my house is a wreck!
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2014
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Hi Greenreene!

    It sounds like TBS was a really good thing. I am happy you had some time away from difficult child. (DDD? Oh, my!)

    You sound really good; calm, centered.
    Do I get the feeling mother in law offered to help with difficult child and then took off for the hills?

    I don't remember difficult child age, Greenreen.

    Can't believe your baby is almost a year old already!

    Welcome back. With difficult child home again, the extra support we can offer will be good for you, I think.


  3. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    difficult child turns 17 next month.

    Thank you for your response. Sometimes I'm afraid that I come across as witchy when I talk about difficult child. The truth is, I do love her and want the best for her, but she is SO hard to deal with, so hard to like. I appreciate that she is making a real effort to get along with me. That plus my work with my wonderful therapist is what is getting me through right now.

    Yes the TBS was a really good thing, but they withdrew her before she was even really halfway through the program. It could have been SO much better. I'm angry that they let $$$$ get in the way of what was best for her. The $$$$ is there - it's not an issue. But once they were convinced that the TBS was just in it for the money, they found all kinds of excuses why she shouldn't be there, even to the point of questioning the methods of the school.

    My therapist said that the school's methods are sound, IF the child's issues are behavioral in nature. If a child has organic brain wiring issues, then she must be properly medicated first for the methods to work. Unfortunately, we never got to that point. She was very slow to progress despite being one of the older girls there.

    I don't even pretend to understand my mother in law or her intentions anymore. She's not a bad person, but she's one of those "it's better to look good than to feel good" people. I don't think she has any idea how her choice to be absent is affecting difficult child. mother in law is difficult child's favorite person; difficult child already feels abandoned by her biomom. It's not cool.
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear you are doing better.

    I am sorry to hear difficult child didn't get to complete her treatment. You definitely should have been involved in that decision considering you are the one having to raise her.

    I wish you the best with getting her some help.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good to hear from you Greenrene, I've often wondered how it's all going for you. I just can't believe the baby is 11 months old, I vividly remember when he was born.

    It seems unfair to you to not get a vote on what happens but at the same time end up being the major caregiver for your difficult child. I'm glad you've got a great therapist to help you work through all the feelings you must be having about all of it.

    Perhaps even that short stint in TBS helped your difficult child. I'm sorry about the grandmothers abandonment of her. You end up being the one constant in her life.

    When will she be leaving for the boarding school?

    You do sound very good Greenrene, a lot more peaceful and accepting then you were when your difficult child was causing all that turmoil for you last year.

    You are turning out to be your difficult child's best advocate. Isn't it interesting that sometimes we, who are the best caretakers of these kids, get the most grief from them? I've been told that happens often because the kids feel we are the safest to test their 'stuff' out on. It doesn't make it easier, but it does explain a little of it. I've been that guy in my family too. So, I understand how you must be feeling about all of it.

    You're doing a really good job under some pretty hairy circumstances Greenrene. Hang in there. We're always here for you. And, I'm so very happy you have that therapist too. That's always made the world of difference for me.

    Hugs to you........glad to see you back again.