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Update on 'When is enough, enough?'
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 279033" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>As someone whose daughter was abused at the age of 5, by a kid at school in the school playground - our daughter forgot. She refused to tell us the details of the abuse and wouldn't even tell us how often it happened. It probably involved penetration and in the two years it took her to tell us, her behaviour had deteriorated and other problems developed. Also, by then the boy was beyond our reach, he'd left the school (and so had easy child). I notified the school but without information (because easy child was too terrified to talk) nobody could take any further action. I had easy child into counselling fast, but the counsellor refused to give me ANY details of the sessions and now that easy child is older and wants to talk about it, she has buried it all and can't find her memories. However, she has problems with her weight especially, other issues too which I lay at the door of the abuse not being dealt with properly (even though we did what we could). I think the delay was a factor for us, plus I think the therapy we got was just not good enough (with hindsight).</p><p></p><p>Burying the abuse is NOT healthy. It is a last-ditch act of desperation in coping, where you bury the knowledge because it's too intolerable, it raises too many conflicts. One of those conflicts is, this is her half-brother whom she is supposed to love and who the family clearly loves; therefore she must also love him or she is a bad person. If this is how you love - then she has to learn to love it. So any bad feelings or bad memories have to get buried.</p><p></p><p>One day the memories may come back. But if they don't, they are still there festering, like a boil never fully drained and building to a calcified abcess deep in the tissues.</p><p></p><p>Not good.</p><p></p><p>I had PTSD after going through a very nasty bushfire about the time I had difficult child 3 (a traumatic delivery). The fire images and the birth memories all linked in my mind but because I had a new baby to care for, I had to not allow myself to be angry or to feel my emotions. I buried it all. And as my mind felt I could handle it, it came back to the surface. Three months after the birth I got flashbacks where I would be standing in my kitchen cooking, and the heat from the hot plate and the flash of light along the stainless steel implements suddenly became the heat from the fires and the steel of surgical instruments. The tiles in the kitchen became the tiles in the delivery room, but there were flames ringing the room, all around me. NOT normal.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, this happened to me as an adult, and because I was well grown and already knew what is normal and what is not, I was capable of yelling for help and ensuring I got it. A child is far less capable of distinguishing between reality and imagination. A child's brain is also far more malleable and therefore more likely to successfully submerge contradictory memories. But a kind of mental scar tissue builds up around it to protect it form accidental 'puncture', and this layer of 'protection' is where you notice other problems later on.</p><p></p><p>It's never as OK as it seems.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 279033, member: 1991"] As someone whose daughter was abused at the age of 5, by a kid at school in the school playground - our daughter forgot. She refused to tell us the details of the abuse and wouldn't even tell us how often it happened. It probably involved penetration and in the two years it took her to tell us, her behaviour had deteriorated and other problems developed. Also, by then the boy was beyond our reach, he'd left the school (and so had easy child). I notified the school but without information (because easy child was too terrified to talk) nobody could take any further action. I had easy child into counselling fast, but the counsellor refused to give me ANY details of the sessions and now that easy child is older and wants to talk about it, she has buried it all and can't find her memories. However, she has problems with her weight especially, other issues too which I lay at the door of the abuse not being dealt with properly (even though we did what we could). I think the delay was a factor for us, plus I think the therapy we got was just not good enough (with hindsight). Burying the abuse is NOT healthy. It is a last-ditch act of desperation in coping, where you bury the knowledge because it's too intolerable, it raises too many conflicts. One of those conflicts is, this is her half-brother whom she is supposed to love and who the family clearly loves; therefore she must also love him or she is a bad person. If this is how you love - then she has to learn to love it. So any bad feelings or bad memories have to get buried. One day the memories may come back. But if they don't, they are still there festering, like a boil never fully drained and building to a calcified abcess deep in the tissues. Not good. I had PTSD after going through a very nasty bushfire about the time I had difficult child 3 (a traumatic delivery). The fire images and the birth memories all linked in my mind but because I had a new baby to care for, I had to not allow myself to be angry or to feel my emotions. I buried it all. And as my mind felt I could handle it, it came back to the surface. Three months after the birth I got flashbacks where I would be standing in my kitchen cooking, and the heat from the hot plate and the flash of light along the stainless steel implements suddenly became the heat from the fires and the steel of surgical instruments. The tiles in the kitchen became the tiles in the delivery room, but there were flames ringing the room, all around me. NOT normal. The thing is, this happened to me as an adult, and because I was well grown and already knew what is normal and what is not, I was capable of yelling for help and ensuring I got it. A child is far less capable of distinguishing between reality and imagination. A child's brain is also far more malleable and therefore more likely to successfully submerge contradictory memories. But a kind of mental scar tissue builds up around it to protect it form accidental 'puncture', and this layer of 'protection' is where you notice other problems later on. It's never as OK as it seems. Marg [/QUOTE]
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