Update re: court/bio father

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mattsmom277, Aug 5, 2011.

  1. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Hi all. Just wanted to give a bit of an update on the court goings on. His first appearance is on the 16th. I've spoken again with the investigator and I'm not going to attend that hearing. It's 4 hours away and will only last a few minutes. The court in that town is a provincial court and they will be sending the cases to the jurisdiction of the Superior Court from then on, which is only about 2 hours away from me. easy child isn't visiting her dad that week, so I can't see paying bus tickets for us both and regardless, I would never bring her to something like that.

    He has another appearance in the original town (the one 4 hours away) for charges regarding my aunt. Since he was under 18 at the time of offending, even at 60 years old, he's being tried for those charges in young offender court. Strange! Makes sense, but gosh it feels so pathetic as a recourse of justice, even though I understand. That appearance is Sept. 8. That case will remain in that town and with that judge. Luckily it will be the same judge who hears all the other charges and sends them to the higher court, so he'll know that my aunts case is not isolated and that this man has a long history.

    Charges have been laid regarding 2 more victims. I'm not quite sure I understand why there are 8-9 (more maybe?!?) statements of victims and only 4 of us have had charges laid on our behalf. But they were laid and I'm grateful. I'm guessing their solidifying their cases before laying the charges perhaps. I'm told more charges ARE coming. So I'm practicing patience. Of the 2 new sets of charges, I do know that one person is my former step sister. I dread seeing her in a court room because her and her mom, my former step mother, get upset (I am talking hysterical level upset) at his name and if contacted by any of his family. I learned that the hard way a few years ago when I contacted her to see how she was doing, how her kids were etc. I mean, we were a family of sorts and she and I shared a room for a year and had grown close. She came to visit when I gave birth to Matt, and again for his christening. I was hurt by her explosive reaction to me, but yet part of me completely understands. I plan to keep a very polite distance when seeing them at court hearings, but I know in my heart it will hurt to be tainted by the sins of my father so to speak.

    The other person charges have been laid on behalf of is a unknown person. It is not a family member nor a former step sibling. It seems indeed in the process of investigating, someone must have come forward on their own, someone who is no longer in contact with any of the family and none of us have a clue. I hope they have a source of support for themselves.

    My baby sisters older sister (she's about 21 now I think) is the one that charged him a few years ago and the crown attorney had to withdraw the charges because she just couldn't cope with the court proceedings. I was informed yesterday that the crown attorney on these cases is looking into have jurisdiction for that case switched legally to them so they can relay the charges. I know that this young woman, knowing she is no longer alone, will be able to testify now. She's no longer a scared teen, she is no longer on her own in this, she has all the rest of us in her corner, and her mother no longer has the power to destroy her spirit (Some of you may remember her mother, my baby sisters odd ball mother, attended court with HIM each time, and claimed her daughter seduced my father while he was drunk, convinced him she was her own mother. That is how this woman validated what she saw when she WALKED RIGHT IN on the scene. After which she promptly threw her daughter out, I mean right in the moment, and hasn't spoken to her since). There is forensics for that case as she attended police right away and then the hospital.

    There is a problem with laying one further charge on my behalf. Seems that when I filed a complaint against him as a young tween, the police in my current city (where I filed) have nothing at all in their records except for my actual statement. There are no notes of investigation, nothing in the file but that statement. There should have been notes made but it seems that perhaps they never even bothered to look into it. It seems likely they simply took my statement, stuck it in a file, and never looked at it again. Can you imagine? I've been having some strong emotions on that one! The investigator now is great, she's been trying to get more from my police department, to no avail. She wanted those records to pull a file together to lay an additional charge for something that occurred here in this town. Additionally, this local police department was to have their victims services contact me to offer services (counselling, help with victim impact statements, answer questions about the court process, help set up transportation to court hearings and support person to attend with etc). They are dodging this too and nobody has contacted me even with court creeping up quickly. It is showing quite clearly they are sitting on their hands trying to figure out why that file is glaringly empty. Perhaps legally they are concerned about lawsuit or something since nothing they have shows they did anything at all about the allegations made, and that was at a time when they could have easily gotten real evidence from the hotel room where this occurred. I'm not dwelling but at some point I know my anger meter is going to hit. I mean, what if they'd done their job? What if they'd charged him then? Certainly many others might have not been harmed. At least he'd have been a registered sex offender. Again, trying to not think hard on this one as to not overwhelm myself. I'm told no matter what that the charge for that situation will be laid, but they remain hoping that this police department will find something in their files to show what they did or did not learn in their investigation (if there was one!).

    All of the cities that these offenses occurred in have handed jurisdiction to the one place that is investigating now and where the current charges are being handled. So he has to face them all together and from a strategy standpoint, it is a good thing for the victims. The same judge will be hearing all of the cases and this way he doesn't get to pretend in each court like each victim is a isolated case.

    I ran into a relative that has been living in retirement in South America. Her kids and grands are all here in town and she's home visiting. She and her eldest daughter were at the mall and I hadn't known she was back in Canada visiting so was delighted to see her (we have been fairly close throughout my life). It was a heart breaking experience. Her sister was attacked by my father violently and only her husband arriving home stopped her rape. She refuses to speak on the topic to police but made sure she told another family member, to tell me, because she somehow felt I should know more about this monster that created me, but ordered me to not reveal her story to police. Seeing as there were witnesses (her husband and a friend of his) this would have been a slam dunk case. Anyhow, I've complied. Then I run into this cousin, that womans sister, and I was treated horribly. Her and her daughter were like deer in headlights. I've never been close to the sister who was one of his victims, but this woman and I have celebrated birthdays, christmas, gone camping together, sleepovers with her children when I was little, she was there for the birth period of Matt. And she treated me like a toxic mold that was coming too close to her. She couldn't get away quick enough from me and didn't even try to hide it. I've had that type of reaction (STAY AWAY!) from my fathers family via 2 of my aunts, but I never knew them and it stung but didn't hurt, if that makes sense. This cousin however really broke something inside of me with her treatment of me. I had seen her just as I entered the mall. I had to turn around and leave the building right away and come straight home because I could not compose myself. I never thought someone close to me would cringe at seeing me simply because I brought my father to police attention to stop his offenses and try to protect others. I have had several instances now of being tainted by the sins of the father so to speak and I'm coping, somehow I'm coping with it, but it hurts in somewhere deep and I think it's killed a tiny part of my spirit. Certainly I have some regrets now competing with my pride in knowing I did the right thing and fought so hard to get this scum off the streets. But regrets are creeping in. This was supposed to bring him to justice, bring myself and others closure and end this chapter. Right now the only results I'm seeing is my becoming a pariah to so many and most don't bother me, but some of them? I doubt I'll ever understand and can't help hurting.

    My new oldest sister is going to attempt to get some DNA from personal items of my uncle, to send off for testing to see if he or my father is her real father. We know the truth but she feels she needs the proof in order to go forward to speak with her mother and my uncle. We've lined up a lab to do this in Toronto and the results come back within a week. The tricky part will be getting a proper untainted sample without my uncle knowing.

    The only CURRENT positive in this was my lovely overnight visit this past weekend with my newest sister. Seeing my easy child meet her aunt and the two of them being like instant peas in a pod was wonderful. easy child was thrilled to meet her and there was not a moment of awkwardness. My sister just got out of her car on arrival, swooped up easy child in a bear hug with a huge grin and started talking like we'd always had her around, which set the tone for easy child and I swear my easy child glowed for the 2 day visit.

    Anyhow, that's my current update. I don't expect anything to crop up now until that court appearance, where probably nothing will happen but changing to the other court jurisdiction. Although there is always a chance in there that he will attend with his lawyer and try to strike a plea deal of sorts, which would probably be welcome by all of us involved. Otherwise, there will be a few more court hearings before a preliminary hearing where we all will have to testify to prove to the judge there is enough evidence to set this all over for a real trial, at which point he can choose trial by judge or jury. If he doesn't take a deal, this process will take anywhere up to 2 years. I'm trying to get my emotions in grip and check because this is far from over, in fact its only just begun.

    If you all could continue to keep my family in your thoughts I'd really appreciate it. There are many of us who could use all the good vibes we can get. This is so outside my experience and so overwhelming in sheer magnitude and scope, even this past weekend I learned yet MORE about him and to repeat a phrase I've used several times about this all, the new things make the mind boggle. Quite frankly I may be at my limit of what new things about him that I can learn on a emotional level. I think only the past week or so, since that cousin treated me that way, I have realized this person, animal, psychopath, is my FATHER. Half of my blood, my dna, created me, is in me. I know thats common for people to feel, I know its stupid, he is no reflection of me. But on a different level, it has suddenly for the first time really hit home that when these victims all speak in court, or see me at court, they see HIS CHILD. That's a tough one I need to work on handling better.
     
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It seems that you are coping well with all the issues. Keeping your emotional balance must require awesome strength. Although I am sorry about the blatant rejection you felt at the mall...it is a terrible situation that has impacted so many people in your extended family that I "think" I can understand their fear. All of us want to remember our early years in a positive way and move on to a happy adult life. Hiding from reality, I would assume, is the easiest way to cope for alot of people. I am keeping you in my most caring thoughts. Hugs. DDD
     
  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Thanks DDD. I guess I would have understood more if this had been the actual cousin who was hurt by him, that I'd run into at the mall. The cousin I ran into has no history with him, and has previously been a very close family member. I never expected her to act weird around me, I mean she knew what he had done to her sister back when it happened over 35 years ago and it didn't change how she was around me before. We were quite close. It just really hurt to see that change in her simply because I am going through this court process. I mean, I didn't appreciate her sister making sure I knew yet another sordid story but telling me to not speak to police about it, but I understood the desire to not have it come up in her life. But this woman at the mall, well its nothing to do with us. It was very hurtful.

    I am trying to keep that emotional balance. It's getting more difficult truth be told and its becoming for me now a struggle from day to day. I find myself crying at stupid times, inappropriate times. I had to get anxiety medication to help me, I take them as needed and seems most days at least once I've needed one. Sometimes I think I'm trying too hard to pretend life is normal when frankly nothing about this is normal at all. I have to wonder if I'm not doing myself a disservice trying to always appear to be handling things so well when inside a part of me is ripped apart and raw. If I'm honest with myself, I worry about a big emotional crash coming in my future because what I thought would be a few victims has spiralled into this huge thing with so many people and its almost beyond comprehending fully. I think part of me is at a point its becoming near to impossible to be "the strong one" who others are leaning on. I mean, where do I lean? I have my fantastic S/O, but otherwise I'm very much in the role of being everyone elses rock (or alternately their verbal punching bag) and I'm far from super human. I find myself feeling a bit of anger when people rave at "How well you are handling this all" or "Its amazing how strong you are". It makes one feel that to show a crack in there, to fall apart on the outside as I'm feeling on the inside, somehow fails them since they want to see me this way as a foundation for them to be strong or something.

    It will be good if this victims services person ever contacts me to help me get set up with a counsellor. I'm at a point I need a uninvolved person to let it all out to, to not be strong for, to just be me. Its unrealistic for others to see me as someone that this doesn't affect much when come on, obviously I'm no different than them. It gets tiring being that person.
     
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Sweetheart - first things first. :hugs:

    OK. From my point of view? I don't know every single detail, of course. But I do know enough to say - you probably NEED to break down.

    Crying randomly is okay. I mean, you held it in for so, so long - and now, now finally something is to be done about it - it's a relief! I find that I can remain in control, doing "well", through a crisis - no matter what it is - and when it's over? I fall apart. Emergencies? No problem. Afterward? Ohhhhh, boy.

    Honestly, I think you've almost done too well. You're a super strong person. Give yourself permission to be "weak". Because a blade of grass may be stepped on briefly, but in a prolonged windstorm, it's the oak that falls. So weakness may not be.
     
  5. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    Courage is if you're scared sh**less but you go ahead and do it anyways, because no one else will! This is where you stand in my book - and all the family members and others that treat you like a pariah or the "child from his loins" **** [like you asked for this, duh!] are full of it. They all knew something had been going on and were looking the other way. Not a one had the courage to stand up and say - "...look he did this to me!" I cannot even guess how many lives have been touched, damaged or downright ruined by that man. I cannot believe that none of his wives would stand up to this and bring this to the light. I always feel strongly against the wives who know something is wrong but will play ostrich so they don't get smeared by it. His side of the family giving you the cold shoulder or "hating" you? They knew, no way they did not and yet did not do anything to protect the innocent. No guessing how many other victims are still quiet and will never come forward - with a track record like this - I believe what came to the light is only the tip of the iceberg. And no guessing how much damage could have been avoided if someone would have been brave enough to go ahead and bring charges against him 20 or 30 years ago.

    Don't you dare let them look down at you - you hold your head up and you be proud of what you did! And if anyone dares say something to you - straight up or behind your back - you look them straight in the eyes [tears and all if it comes to that, there is no shame in showing your pain] - and say: "If you have had the courage back then, you could have stopped him 10, 20, 30, 40+ years ago! Don't you dare talk about me because I did what you were too scared to do!!!" Trust me - they know. And the reason they act like this is because they are ashamed and embarrassed by their own chicken****ness, not because you had the guts to do the right thing!

    You'll see this through, and you will grow stronger and tougher by it. Do get the help you need for your own self though - martyrdom is definitely overrated. My most sincere kudos to you, and loads of hugs too! Put your head up girl - you did not ask to be fathered by this man, and it is not you! To thy own self be true! YOU GO GIRL!!!!
     
  6. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Thanks again all. The Martyrdom is overrated thing really fits how I feel right now. Perfect wording.
     
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs. I agree with Step, give yourself some time to cry. Or scream. Or something.
     
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Can you emotionally lean on your "new" sis? Sometimes a good cry is exactly what's needed. It does shed the body of certain chemicals, that's been proven. Did you know a chemical test can show if tears are from sorrow, happiness, etc? You need that physical catharsis as well as mental and emotional. Don't deny yourself, though I can quite understand wanting to control where/when you do it.
    *hugs*
     
  9. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    Unfortunately, the way our courts (and I'm assuming yours too) are set up, the victim continues to BE the victim while the proceedings are in progress.

    Please make sure to take care of yourself. You have a lot of anger (justified) at not just your sperm donor, but at those that helped cover up all his ugliness all these years. You may need help channeling that anger. It's ok to ask for and get help. Some people can't handle these things, so while it's sad, it may be best to figure you won't have contact with them (old school thinking that you and the others "asked" for it).

    But YOU know that you and the other victims are doing the right thing. Sometimes the right thing hurt horribly. But it must be done.
     
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Absolutely, I'm sending strength vibes and calm vibes your way!!!!
    It amazes me, simply amazes me, that after such a violent attack, your relative's sister still refuses to come forward. I just don't get it. Yes, it would be a slam-dunk case.
    Still, it's her decision, and apparently you have more than enough people lining up to press charges.
    Sad that there's a stranger there, too ... I wonder if you'll find out it was a babysitter or something? Makes my stomach flip.
    Many hugs.
     
  11. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I think I'm getting to terms with the women who don't want to come forward, on a logical level I understand. I also know that there is an older generation that was raised much differently than the current generation, these things were not spoke of. I think many older women struggle greatly to overcome that teaching and I'm trying to come even more to terms of acceptance of the choices these women make. I for sure have no right to judge. The part about this cousin (she's actually my mothers cousin, my second cousin) that bothered me was why bother telling my aunt the story, ask her to pass that info along to me, along with the dire statement of not to dare tell the police. I don't see why she bothered to tell me is what bothers me. I know enough, far more than I ever want to know, about the monster that makes up half of my DNA. I know the pain and destruction of lives in his wake. There is nothing to be gained by me personally to hear more horror stories if people aren't wanting to participate in this process. They have a right to keep their pain and past private. But KEEP it private, Know what I mean?? It felt an awful lot like a great way for her to unburden her pain on me, while straddling me with the knowledge that could help convict (this would be a good case due to witnesses). So she may feel relief but she could get that by seeing a counsellor to unload on. Telling me just adds more pain in my heart, more shame in the form of ill treatment by my own previously loving family member (this cousins sister) and I am going to have to get some perspective in order to lose the resentment I feel about that.

    I'm quite glad to have found both of my sisters, even if my baby sister is not allowed (her mothers choice, standing by my father) to see me right now. I'm glad to have found the one aunt who has been wonderful, not just in this process but as a person becoming a real part of me and the kids family. The others I'm grateful I don't have to see or know. I can learn to be more respectful of their choices to stay silent, but I couldn't handle playing nice and friendly when they have the tools to help protect others.

    I'm very anxious for victim services at the police to get in touch (why they haven't yet is a mystery, the detective is NOT impressed). They will have the information to help me find a counsellor that I can afford and I know that it will be a huge help going forward through this entire process to have a outsider to speak to and let it all out too. Can't happen soon enough for me. I've considered going to speak to someone at the sexual assault center here in town but they don't do ongoing counselling and I'd prefer to find someone who can stick with me start to finish. I'm open here with you all, but there is anonymity and more than a decade of history shared with the board. In real life, I'm not wanting to start with one person and switch to another if that makes sense.

    I have thought if it could be a babysitter too, it seems so unlike his pattern to go far outside family. He has chosen family or family connections from all we know. But nothing about him would shock me. We've even wondered if there isn't a history unknown to us all of attacks on strangers because somehow he went from violent attacks to choosing victims he can overpower (young girls) without needing the same level of violence. But for someone who started out so violent, we wonder how he curbed that need in himself if not with the young girls he hurt. I waiver between hoping we find out as much as possible about his past, and hoping I never learn a single new piece of information, never learn of a single additional victim. I'm plumb out of resources to continue to absorb all of this. To think only a couple of years ago I felt alone, I suspect he abused my former step sister around the same time i lived there, but never knew for sure. But I never imagined all of this. This continues to grow in scope and each new victim does something altogether new and worse to my spirit. I am very anxious for this to be over. I don't want it to take such a toll that what started out as something I was proud to have brought to justice turns out to be a regret due to what it does to me personally. I also fear if, as happens all too much, he walks from all of this, what the other victims will be feeling. Will they blame me from opening this huge can of worms and all for nothing? It's a heavy weight.
     
  12. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    There is no way he is going to walk! Not with that many witnesses, evidence etc etc. No way!

    And the change from violent assault to overpowering young helpless victims? Let me make an educated guess. He is a bully. Bullies are generally cowards. Somewhere along the line a victim fought back and kicked his a**. And if not a victim - then a loved one of it. I can think of worse alternatives, but you are stressed enough. Hence the change of MO - instead of a grown woman in her prime who could put some hurt to him, he victimizes teens and young adults. He picks family members because he is a predator and knows his hunting grounds, and the prevailing ostrich psychology that runs in the family.

    Hon - this is so not you, not at all. Not your fault, not your problem, not your responsibility what he did. So what if he is your sperm donor? When this is all done and over, think about relocating and putting physical distance as well as emotional distance between you and this town, family and former life. Keep the loved ones that are with you close, and put the remainder away. You need to do this for your own mental wellbeing and for your immediate family and the nice guy you are planning on marrying. Don't let that man reach out one more time and take that away from you as well!!!
     
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