Update since vacation

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by worried sick mother, Jul 20, 2016.

  1. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I haven't posted since the vacation we had that I had so many problems with my husband not wanting my son to go. Well my son went and we had a wonderful time. My son was a pleasure to be around and my husband was very good to him(I was worried about that). We even had long overdue family photos made which made me so very happy. He really bonded with his younger siblings and they just adore him. It was the first vacation I have enjoyed in many years because I'm always worried about him. He wanted to drink alcohol and he did which really concerned me but he has never liked to drink so he didn't see how this should be a problem . I explained that it could trigger a relapse or he could just convert his addiction to alcohol. He seemed to handle a few drinks well and didn't drink too much. I do not think this was a good idea at all though.
    He kept checking out girls while we were there and he told his sister that he wanted to leave his girlfriend but that he felt sorry for her because she doesn't have a car or anywhere to go other than to her mothers house and it's nasty there. We talked quite a bit and he expressed he wants to do more with his life, even implied to me that he wants away from his girlfriend. I ask him if he thought she looks good and he said honestly No. She looks very bad , very thin and just sick, which lead to me asking if she's still using and he won't deny she's using just says not that he knows of. He left a couple days before us to come home and his aunt picked him up at the airport to give him a ride home but he ended up going home with her and staying with her and his dad for the next week. This really surprised me that he stayed away from girlfriend that long, she ended up coming to his dad's house and stayed for one night when she was supposed to stay longer. His dad said she said about 2 words and basically laid in the bed the entire time she was there, he said it was obvious she was withdrawing and that's why she had to leave. My son expressed to his aunt that he wanted to leave his girlfriend. He was with his cousin and met a girl who he liked and I don't know if she shot him down or what happened but he ran back to the girlfriend and now she's the greatest girl in the world. He has very low confidence and everyone in my family has this problem where they think they can't be alone.
    I know this sounds like I'm making this all about my son leaving his girlfriend and sounds like I'm blaming her. She is bad for my son and I found out that she did get him using drugs, her mother told me. I'm going somewhere with all of this. My son got a job and he has been working a lot, he has been getting his Vivitrol injections and I know he is not using right now, he ended up with his dad's family for almost 2 weeks and he is working with his best friend who would tell us if he was using, he doesn't use drugs and he told us before when he was concerned about my son using. So week before last my son had worked 56 hours and it was only Thursday so he was very tired , his girlfriend snuck out of the house at 3 am, took his car supposedly to give this guy that my son and her were friends with him and his wife a ride to the store. This guy is a drug dealer. His wife thinks they are messing around and she caught them together and busted the window out of my sons car, the entire back windshield. His best friend that I mentioned called and told his dad what happened, my son lied about what happened to the window but he is now saying that he told his girlfriend to give that guy a ride because he was paying her $15 and that his wife is just crazy. That's a lie his girlfriend snuck out and she is just telling him that, she was friends with his wife they worked together at the job where she got fired. We have been told that she is having sex with this guy for drugs and that his wife has thought this for a long time. They didn't press charges for the window because my son says he is afraid to but there's probably more to it.
    I do know this is out of my control and I have to just let him figure things out. However it just absolutely breaks my heart that my son has such low confidence that he would stay with someone who would sneak out of the house and most likely cheat on him with a drug dealer. She is definitely still using and he will be too if something doesn't change. I have begged him to just come home to stay for a while and save some money and try to finish school (he says he wants to finish and had ask me how he could make it happen) so that was my suggestion, he can't finish school when he has so many bills . Like I had said before in my previous post I can't get my son to come home. I also worry that she is going to bring in a disease on him, he doesn't have anything he was tested twice at rehab for everything, I was concerned about hepatitis C because I work in healthcare and most drug users have it . I have been told that this guy carries a loaded gun at all times so the worry just never ends! I guess I really don't have a question today, just needed to vent to people who understand.
     
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So sorry! You are right about the self esteem...they have such undeveloped brains...she is terrible for him. It's good he gets vividly...but to move forward you know he has to see that she will ruin everything he wants.

    My son should reenter Sober house tomorrow when he lapsed with pot. He insisted on staying with a friend while he waited out the week. Omg...He is in the worse drug infested bullet flying place. He has stayed sober all week...has had drugs thrust at him...made sure he never went out a night. Now sober owner says he has to go to iop again...well insurance better pay..we're so. Broke.

    I'm proud..He called his sponsor to meet with him. We want to transition him to home...enough risky situations, no narcotics in 6mos.

    Hopefully this girl will self implode, get arrested or. Get help. These young guys can't handle relationships...they can barely handle themselves!

    Your son sounds very loved..was is ours. PrAying for their safety, futures and wellness. Hugs to you!!!
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Worried Sick:

    I'm so glad you had a good vacation and made some great memories and took family photos. I think that is wonderful!! Glad your hubby was good to him too. I was wondering about all of that.

    I agree, drinking not good. My son will want to do it too and there is only so much we as mothers can control.

    Your son seems to be blaming everything on his girlfriend. You can't let him do that. SHE is not responsible for him. He is responsible for himself. I don't think someone can lead someone else to drugs personally.

    I hope that you can be strong and not make his sobriety all on you. You cannot control it. You can't control what he does with his life. None of us can. If we could we wouldn't need this forum. It's a hard thing to learn but I'm getting there myself. It's been five years of worrying and obsessing for me.

    We can help them along the way if they are working on being sober and doing something productive with their lives but we cannot take ownership of all of it. You have to have energy for yourself and your younger children too. Hugs and keep us posted.
     
  4. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    RN , oh goodness no my son would never blame his girlfriend, that is me that blames her. He gets very mad at me and says I blame her for all of his problems. He was in school making good grades and doing pretty good until he met her. She cheated on him when they first started dating and instead of leaving her(that's on him) he stayed with her and I'm pretty sure it broke his heart. She was an addict before he met her and he supposedly helped her get off heroin. She later got back on it and said he couldn't stand seeing her so sick if she didn't have any that he would do anything to get it for her and then ended up joining her in using. That came from her mouth when he went to rehab. She is just the strangest person I've ever met. She doesn't speak hardly at all . She has isolated him from all his friends and his family. She tells him that it's her and him against the world. She doesn't really have any friends. None of his friends can stand her either. I don't really know how to explain her other than she has a social anxiety disorder, really into out of body experiences, and is totally disrespectful especially to me. I'm not saying that we are the highest social class by any means but she comes from a very low social class family where drugs, breaking the law, fighting are all normal. My son wasn't raised this way at all. I tried so hard to be good to her and everything I do backfires . One time I bought her a pair of flip flops and some nail polish, put it in a little cute gift bag and sent it to her by my son. She had a fit on my son , even broke up with him and said she didn't need his moms handouts and insisted my son give the gift back to me which he refused and said my mom is just nice like that, she doesn't think you need a handout so she put it in the garbage. He probably shouldn't have told me about it. I bought her Christmas presents just as much as I bought my kids one year and she didn't even say thank you. She tells my son that she doesn't fit in with his family and therefore she isolated him from us. She seems to only like people who are into drugs. I have no clue what he sees in her, she is a very cute girl or was until she lost so much weight she's the size of an 8 year old. She posted a picture on fb one time of my son smoking a joint and I very kindly ask her to remove it and explained this could keep him from getting a good job through a text message, she completely told me off, refused to take it off fb and told me to stay off her page if I didn't like what she post so I blocked her on fb so I wouldn't have to see stuff like that. My son blames me. I begged her to go to rehab when my son went, found her a place to go and offered to take her but she says she quit on her own and refused. I was just hoping my son would finally see the light since he is clean . She totally controls him and she is definitely still using. I think maybe he is trying to help her get clean or who knows. I just know he's doing pretty good right now and that she is cheating on him with a drug dealer for drugs and it costed him his window broke out of his car.
    I know my son is responsible for his own actions. I just really feel he would be ok if he could get away from her. He probably won't though, he has such low self esteem. To think she could be the mother of my grandchildren is a frightening thought. I also hate seeing my son get made such a fool of.
    You are definitely right though it's out of my control and I'm trying very hard to not let it consume my life. I think I just still grieve how my sons life has turned out.
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Worried:

    I'm grieving too. I get it. I feel like he died in some ways. He's far away now and I don't see him but I just can't take all of it anymore. It's so overwhelming.

    Trying not to lose hope but I am really focusing on taking care of myself now because I have put everything into HIM and really gotten nothing back so I have to let him do it. He has to want the change more than I do. He has a nice girlfriend now but I think maybe she enables him by helping him so much. She does not party thankfully.

    Your son's girlfriend does not sound like a nice person right now but she is probably very sick with addiction. It's all so sad. He can't save her though. He has to save himself and I hope he sees that.
     
  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    What's sad is that if she does get clean she may. E what they close a dry drunk. Still mean...my mother in law stayed mean when sober.

    Does your son have a sponsor who is good influence? Work is so good..maybe people there can have an influence . Unfortunately, he may need to find another girl to save that one...they are afraid to be alone. PrAying for resolution....hope, clarity and protection.
     
  7. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    I am so glad you guys had a great time.

    I'm sorry about your son and the girl though. What a yucky situation. You have no control over it, unfortunately. Sometimes in these instances, if the 'other' person is spoken negatively about, the outcome could push your son closer to her.

    Add me to the grieving list. :frown:

    I'm sorry, worried. Day by day. Prayers. One step at a time. All we can do is love them all the time, & support when they are moving forward.
     
  8. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    WSM,

    I am so glad your trip went well, and I am glad for the wonderful memories, both for you and your son. Maybe those memories and those pictures (make sure he gets copies LOL) can help him along in terms of this is the kind of life he can expect if he stays on the right path. I would do some subtle hints, like, "I had such a wonderful time, and it was so great, etc. I really look forward to doing more things like that."

    I get the girlfriend thing. No it isn't her fault, but, damn, they do gravitate towards really dysfunctional and enabling relationships, don't they? My sister is the same way. Back to baby daddy time after time, even though they both, clearly, feed off one another, in terms of their addictions.

    I think low self esteem is common, and it's a vicious cycle. They use because they feel bad about themselves, they feel bad about themselves because they use.

    My sister is a heroin addict. I know when she is strung out, not just because of her behavior, but her weight. When she is clean, mostly when she is in jail, honestly, she gains weight and is actually chubby. When she is strung out she is emaciated.

    Is your son active in his recovery? Attending meetings? Has a sponsor?

    They will preach, "people, places, and things" in that you must separate yourself from these things. If your son gets stronger and starts to feel better about himself as he stays sober she will ramp up the needy, guaranteed. He needs to be in a good place in his recovery to recognize that she could be his downfall. She may actively try to entice him to use because she is afraid of losing him.

    Just try to bolster his self esteem. Praise the strides he has made. Keep reminding him how proud you are. Continue to let him know that as long as he makes the right choices that things like your trip are possible.

    I wouldn't engage the girlfriend at all, but I also wouldn't speak negatively of her, either. It's a really thin line to walk.

    I am glad that your trip went well!
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They gravitate toward drug abusers. When they are healthy again, they make new friends/SO. If they are still hanging with losers it is a barometer as to where there are at in their disease.

    It's not a very credible story that your son got her to quit heroin. It is likely untrue, if she has even quit. It takes rehab for heroin.

    I know you want to believe things are ok. So did i. But this is not about the girlfriend. He'd be doing what he is doing without her or find a clone replacement. This is on his shoulders and in my opinion he isn't really ready to entertain a drug free life. You would know it if he was.

    Sorry to sound negative. I don't want you to fool yourself like I was fooled. Over and over again we thought she had stopped using...but we were wrong until her entire attitude changed. It takes that.

    So sorry.
     
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