Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
Hi gang. Sorry it's been so long. For a while, not much was changing, so there wasn't much to say. But since McWeedy's birthday, things have changed for the worse (worst?)
I did have a much longer post, but the end story is pretty simple: Starting the weekend of his 18th birthday, McWeedy escalated his acting out - breaking curfew, not answering his phone, cutting class, and disappearing overnight two weekends in a row. Each episode provoked harsher and angrier responses from me, all met with an "I don't give a Sh**" attitude, and followed up with yet another episode. I finally told him it was too much, and it was time for him to leave.
wife stepped in and delayed that until December, when he gets out of school. And this weekend he almost lost that deferral when he pushed my buttons again; I took everything out of his room that he didn't outright own, and started packing his stuff up in boxes. wife put the kabosh on that, but the end result is still that he is going. Not what I wanted, and not in the way I would have wished, but it's his choice. And the worst part is that wife is blaming me for driving him out of the house.
When I found that out, I went back to McWeedy and offered to remove all restrictions from him and give him all the benefits he expects (food, shelter, college tuition, etc.). The only condition would be that while he's living with us he gets clean and works to stay clean, and that I'd do whatever I could to help.
He turned me down flat. He said "you wanted me gone, so I'm leaving". I said "I never wanted you 'gone', but I couldn't handle your acting out any more". I realize now that his original therapist's prediction has come true - that he would escalate his acting out until there was no other option than for him to leave - which he would do, and then use his self pity and faux anger to justify jumping headfirst into the lifestyle he wants to lead.
That's exactly what happened, and now I'm the fall guy.
wife's gripe is that if he leaves, not only will he not go to college, he'll probably lose any opportunity he has to "get ahead" (can you really get ahead when you're an active drug addict?). She's also afraid that if he has another attack, or OD's, and he's not here at home, then he'll die because his good buddies will be just as stoned as he is and won't help him. I know that if that happens, it'll happen regardless of where he's living, but wife doesn't see it that way. So now I'm at fault for driving him away into a lifestyle that will prevent him from being successful and may lead to him dying.
Pretty heavy albatross to wear, let me tell you.
I've suspected that this would happen, but what I didn't count on was wife blaming me for it too. At this point, she'd rather let him stay in the house (even with his increasingly disruptive acting out) and give him time to "grow out of it". There's more to the story, but in the end that won't fly because of my daughter still living in the house as a young teen. I won't willingly let her be exposed to that.
So now, McWeedy is making plans to walk away from his truly hellish life at home and move in with a drug buddy from school in January. wife is blaming me for driving him out of the house into a life of squalor and further addiction. And my other two kids are caught in the crossfire. Sarge wants to beat McWeedy to a pulp for damaging our family, and may even try to get him arrested. Dancer just wants everything to be better - between me and wife, between me and McWeedy, etc.
Life in Mikey's house isn't so fun right now.
But there's a few things I know now, and I can thank PotMonster's current psychiatric at the drug study for the knowledge. Too much to list for now, but suffice it to say that I now know that for two years I was fighting a losing battle to convince - or make - McWeedy change. I tried all the other "soft" approaches, and when they failed I started ratcheting up the consequences. Ultimately, I shot my last and biggest bullet by threatening to eject him from our home and remove our support - and I meant it.
But he turned it back on me, because that's exactly what he wanted. Now that he has it, he's going to use it to the fullest extent possible.
In short, I've been played into giving my son the excuse he needed to give up and walk away into God-knows-what, and he leaves feeling guilt-free because even my own wife now thinks I'm the cause.
I'll save you all the soul-searching and chest-beating I've done since then. The psychiatric at the drug study has repeatedly suggested Al-anon or Nar-anon. I tried it a few times and quit because they all seemed to be focused on kicking their kids out of the house. I wasn't ready for that, then, or maybe I wasn't hearing them correctly. But it's time to give it another try.
My son may not have hit bottom yet (and I fear the day he does), but I have. So I find myself at Step 1 of the Nar-Anon 12 Steps: "We admitted we were powerless over the Addict -- that our lives have become unmanageable." True enough. And, just like an addict won't seek help until they truly want help, I guess people like me won't seek help either until we finally accept this first step. Many of you (and many others) have tried to help me with this, I know, and I thank you all for it.
But I had to get here on my own. And now that I've arrived, another journey begins. Wish me well.
Thank you all for your support, your honesty, and even your well-meant contrariness. As I'm able, I'll try to keep you up to date. I may even throw in the occasional quip or post once in a while. But even if I don't post much, I'll still be lurking.
Thanks again my friends.
Mikey
I did have a much longer post, but the end story is pretty simple: Starting the weekend of his 18th birthday, McWeedy escalated his acting out - breaking curfew, not answering his phone, cutting class, and disappearing overnight two weekends in a row. Each episode provoked harsher and angrier responses from me, all met with an "I don't give a Sh**" attitude, and followed up with yet another episode. I finally told him it was too much, and it was time for him to leave.
wife stepped in and delayed that until December, when he gets out of school. And this weekend he almost lost that deferral when he pushed my buttons again; I took everything out of his room that he didn't outright own, and started packing his stuff up in boxes. wife put the kabosh on that, but the end result is still that he is going. Not what I wanted, and not in the way I would have wished, but it's his choice. And the worst part is that wife is blaming me for driving him out of the house.
When I found that out, I went back to McWeedy and offered to remove all restrictions from him and give him all the benefits he expects (food, shelter, college tuition, etc.). The only condition would be that while he's living with us he gets clean and works to stay clean, and that I'd do whatever I could to help.
He turned me down flat. He said "you wanted me gone, so I'm leaving". I said "I never wanted you 'gone', but I couldn't handle your acting out any more". I realize now that his original therapist's prediction has come true - that he would escalate his acting out until there was no other option than for him to leave - which he would do, and then use his self pity and faux anger to justify jumping headfirst into the lifestyle he wants to lead.
That's exactly what happened, and now I'm the fall guy.
wife's gripe is that if he leaves, not only will he not go to college, he'll probably lose any opportunity he has to "get ahead" (can you really get ahead when you're an active drug addict?). She's also afraid that if he has another attack, or OD's, and he's not here at home, then he'll die because his good buddies will be just as stoned as he is and won't help him. I know that if that happens, it'll happen regardless of where he's living, but wife doesn't see it that way. So now I'm at fault for driving him away into a lifestyle that will prevent him from being successful and may lead to him dying.
Pretty heavy albatross to wear, let me tell you.
I've suspected that this would happen, but what I didn't count on was wife blaming me for it too. At this point, she'd rather let him stay in the house (even with his increasingly disruptive acting out) and give him time to "grow out of it". There's more to the story, but in the end that won't fly because of my daughter still living in the house as a young teen. I won't willingly let her be exposed to that.
So now, McWeedy is making plans to walk away from his truly hellish life at home and move in with a drug buddy from school in January. wife is blaming me for driving him out of the house into a life of squalor and further addiction. And my other two kids are caught in the crossfire. Sarge wants to beat McWeedy to a pulp for damaging our family, and may even try to get him arrested. Dancer just wants everything to be better - between me and wife, between me and McWeedy, etc.
Life in Mikey's house isn't so fun right now.
But there's a few things I know now, and I can thank PotMonster's current psychiatric at the drug study for the knowledge. Too much to list for now, but suffice it to say that I now know that for two years I was fighting a losing battle to convince - or make - McWeedy change. I tried all the other "soft" approaches, and when they failed I started ratcheting up the consequences. Ultimately, I shot my last and biggest bullet by threatening to eject him from our home and remove our support - and I meant it.
But he turned it back on me, because that's exactly what he wanted. Now that he has it, he's going to use it to the fullest extent possible.
In short, I've been played into giving my son the excuse he needed to give up and walk away into God-knows-what, and he leaves feeling guilt-free because even my own wife now thinks I'm the cause.
I'll save you all the soul-searching and chest-beating I've done since then. The psychiatric at the drug study has repeatedly suggested Al-anon or Nar-anon. I tried it a few times and quit because they all seemed to be focused on kicking their kids out of the house. I wasn't ready for that, then, or maybe I wasn't hearing them correctly. But it's time to give it another try.
My son may not have hit bottom yet (and I fear the day he does), but I have. So I find myself at Step 1 of the Nar-Anon 12 Steps: "We admitted we were powerless over the Addict -- that our lives have become unmanageable." True enough. And, just like an addict won't seek help until they truly want help, I guess people like me won't seek help either until we finally accept this first step. Many of you (and many others) have tried to help me with this, I know, and I thank you all for it.
But I had to get here on my own. And now that I've arrived, another journey begins. Wish me well.
Thank you all for your support, your honesty, and even your well-meant contrariness. As I'm able, I'll try to keep you up to date. I may even throw in the occasional quip or post once in a while. But even if I don't post much, I'll still be lurking.
Thanks again my friends.
Mikey
