Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
update (will she, won't she)
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="aninom" data-source="post: 337778" data-attributes="member: 8513"><p>Sorry for dropping off the forum for a while, I didn't think that many people would respond. Three is right - I need to vent to stay sane. But I do consider this a place for advice and perspective, even when it's hard to hear.</p><p> </p><p>I wish I could be more precise about what country and culture I come from, but it's small yet well known, and I'm scared of someone I know stumbling onto it in some improbable way (the family paranoia of "no-one must ever know!" is still deeply embedded, but I'm working on being more open about the situation to friends, for example - I think this sense of a family secret is just making things worse). </p><p> </p><p>But yes, in this culture, family is everything. You're judged by how the rest of your family does and behaves and looks. You're judged by how well you treat your elders and children. Back when difficult child was still under the legal age and my parents did call the cops, did put her in a program, and so forth, they became gradually but magically isolated from the rest of the small refugee community. They still didn't know the language of the new country, either, so you can imagine.</p><p> </p><p>Now that we can visit our country again - and that mentality of Family Is You is even stronger after the conflict - I have a feeling they both take that value set for granted, AND are scared of losing the friendships they have here if someone would notice how far off the reservation their oldest kid is. 10 or 30, it doesn't matter - it's not that unusual for middle-aged people to still live with their parents, grandkids and all. </p><p> </p><p>I can't change that about them. And while I have a somewhat different perspective, I completely get where they're coming from when they say they can't just kick her out. To them it's not an option. Not speaking to your kid is ok, but denying them food and shelter is not. Hitting your kid is ok, but denying them food and shelter is not. Taking out a restraining order... It's just not feasible, practically, socially (and while it might be theoretically possible nowadays, I can tell you that unless there's very, VERY severe violence involved and someone outside of the household called, the police wouldn't even show up).</p><p> </p><p>I don't remember if I said it already, but I'm uneasy with grandma getting involved too. It was her idea to come and mom thought it perfect, but it just feels to me like spreading the misery around. I've been looking for an apartment since a few weeks back, and I'm thankful for her being there in the overlap with difficult child since she is marginally calmer around grandma, but still. </p><p> </p><p>Ironically, when mom finally told her grandma would be in the apartment too, difficult child exploded and called up (she forgot her cellphone SIM card - AGAIN - and didn't give anyone the new number she had to get... we actually have her phone numbers marked as "GFG2008Sep, GFG2009Jun" for every time she loses a phone or card), cried and said that we were trying to ruin her life - she couldn't possibly study for her make-up exams in June with grandma around (yeah, grandma is just a party animal like that), there'd be old people running in and out, wah waaah. Mom offered to pay for her to get her own place for the next six months. I won't believe it until I see it, though, so I'm still scouting myself and keeping up with the freelance jobs.</p><p> </p><p>I've started to really talk to mom about enabling, about setting limits, about this simply being a bizarre situation that's not healthy to ANYONE, least of all difficult child. I don't know. She agrees to a point, but sometimes I feel she's not prepared to actually stand her ground, and I don't feel comfortable being in that role of telling her how to handle her other child. I do think she gets that we have to change our own behavior if we expect any change in difficult child - even if it's true that her problems won't go away, maybe ever, she's still smart enough to know that if we stop responding to her usual behavior routines she will have to change them around us. </p><p> </p><p>Apparently she's been brutally honest with difficult child the last few times she e-mailed and talked to her... but then she adds something like, "she doesn't know we have internet, don't let it slip!" or "I told her grandma was coming because of health issues". I see the practical need for not having a difficult child explosion on your hands, or keeping her above the anger level where she's completely incommunicado, but seriously - this is ridiculous. I don't want to live like this. I usually live on another continent to NOT have to deal with this tangled, weird web of fear and conspiracy.</p><p> </p><p>I hope nobody is too worried about me. difficult child has had some severe outbursts, yes, but when she was supercharged on puberty. Might she hit me? Maybe. If that does happen, and I hope she or I won't be in the apartment long enough together for that, I've made it clear both to my parents (and to myself) that I'll grab that as an opportunity to call the police and say it's an emergency, and get out of there with grandma whether they show up or not. Mom thinks this horrifying on my part, but I'm serious. I don't know if I would have been before I found this place, but I am now. The gossip line can pariah me all they want, I have no plans on retiring here after my internship is done, and everybody can blame my foreign ideas to their hearts' content.</p><p> </p><p>I have to run now, but I'll check this thread later! Thank you, everyone, whatever your thoughts on this, for being there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="aninom, post: 337778, member: 8513"] Sorry for dropping off the forum for a while, I didn't think that many people would respond. Three is right - I need to vent to stay sane. But I do consider this a place for advice and perspective, even when it's hard to hear. I wish I could be more precise about what country and culture I come from, but it's small yet well known, and I'm scared of someone I know stumbling onto it in some improbable way (the family paranoia of "no-one must ever know!" is still deeply embedded, but I'm working on being more open about the situation to friends, for example - I think this sense of a family secret is just making things worse). But yes, in this culture, family is everything. You're judged by how the rest of your family does and behaves and looks. You're judged by how well you treat your elders and children. Back when difficult child was still under the legal age and my parents did call the cops, did put her in a program, and so forth, they became gradually but magically isolated from the rest of the small refugee community. They still didn't know the language of the new country, either, so you can imagine. Now that we can visit our country again - and that mentality of Family Is You is even stronger after the conflict - I have a feeling they both take that value set for granted, AND are scared of losing the friendships they have here if someone would notice how far off the reservation their oldest kid is. 10 or 30, it doesn't matter - it's not that unusual for middle-aged people to still live with their parents, grandkids and all. I can't change that about them. And while I have a somewhat different perspective, I completely get where they're coming from when they say they can't just kick her out. To them it's not an option. Not speaking to your kid is ok, but denying them food and shelter is not. Hitting your kid is ok, but denying them food and shelter is not. Taking out a restraining order... It's just not feasible, practically, socially (and while it might be theoretically possible nowadays, I can tell you that unless there's very, VERY severe violence involved and someone outside of the household called, the police wouldn't even show up). I don't remember if I said it already, but I'm uneasy with grandma getting involved too. It was her idea to come and mom thought it perfect, but it just feels to me like spreading the misery around. I've been looking for an apartment since a few weeks back, and I'm thankful for her being there in the overlap with difficult child since she is marginally calmer around grandma, but still. Ironically, when mom finally told her grandma would be in the apartment too, difficult child exploded and called up (she forgot her cellphone SIM card - AGAIN - and didn't give anyone the new number she had to get... we actually have her phone numbers marked as "GFG2008Sep, GFG2009Jun" for every time she loses a phone or card), cried and said that we were trying to ruin her life - she couldn't possibly study for her make-up exams in June with grandma around (yeah, grandma is just a party animal like that), there'd be old people running in and out, wah waaah. Mom offered to pay for her to get her own place for the next six months. I won't believe it until I see it, though, so I'm still scouting myself and keeping up with the freelance jobs. I've started to really talk to mom about enabling, about setting limits, about this simply being a bizarre situation that's not healthy to ANYONE, least of all difficult child. I don't know. She agrees to a point, but sometimes I feel she's not prepared to actually stand her ground, and I don't feel comfortable being in that role of telling her how to handle her other child. I do think she gets that we have to change our own behavior if we expect any change in difficult child - even if it's true that her problems won't go away, maybe ever, she's still smart enough to know that if we stop responding to her usual behavior routines she will have to change them around us. Apparently she's been brutally honest with difficult child the last few times she e-mailed and talked to her... but then she adds something like, "she doesn't know we have internet, don't let it slip!" or "I told her grandma was coming because of health issues". I see the practical need for not having a difficult child explosion on your hands, or keeping her above the anger level where she's completely incommunicado, but seriously - this is ridiculous. I don't want to live like this. I usually live on another continent to NOT have to deal with this tangled, weird web of fear and conspiracy. I hope nobody is too worried about me. difficult child has had some severe outbursts, yes, but when she was supercharged on puberty. Might she hit me? Maybe. If that does happen, and I hope she or I won't be in the apartment long enough together for that, I've made it clear both to my parents (and to myself) that I'll grab that as an opportunity to call the police and say it's an emergency, and get out of there with grandma whether they show up or not. Mom thinks this horrifying on my part, but I'm serious. I don't know if I would have been before I found this place, but I am now. The gossip line can pariah me all they want, I have no plans on retiring here after my internship is done, and everybody can blame my foreign ideas to their hearts' content. I have to run now, but I'll check this thread later! Thank you, everyone, whatever your thoughts on this, for being there. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
update (will she, won't she)
Top