Update

[katya02]

What a week ... think I'm in reaction mode now, having come down with a cold (haven't had one in more than a year), an arthritis flare, and a migraine that seems to have knocked out most of my brain cells today. It's the typical 'things finally start to settle down so the body falls apart' phenomenon.

We had the funeral for my little granddaughter on Monday; difficult child 1 and girlfriend stayed with us the weekend after girlfriend's mother had such a violent meltdown (told difficult child 1 she would slit his throat while he was sleeping, and said husband and I 'need to be rubbed out', among other things). girlfriend agonized all weekend over calling/going to see her mother, but decided to wait until after the funeral. Two minutes before the service was to start, in walked girlfriend's mother, who had gotten a friend to drive her there (presumably she called the funeral home to find out place and time). Although she put on quite a show of hysterical weeping and clinging to girlfriend all through the service, she didn't do anything violent or completely inappropriate, so we were relieved. Since then the mother has done her best to get girlfriend to move back in with her and has turned ugly when not successful. It's been hard on girlfriend but she's still at our place, still looking for a place with difficult child 1.

difficult child 1 goes back to work Monday and is anxious because he still hasn't gotten his things out of the mother's apartment. They want the mother's friend to be there, which is a good idea, but the friend has not returned their calls in the past two days. husband has no intention of going over there and I don't want to see this woman either ... but don't want difficult child 1 to be there without an independent witness. The mother is quite capable of getting violent, falling or hurting herself in some way, and then accusing difficult child 1 of assaulting her. I'd rather difficult child 1 walked away from his stuff and counted it as the cost of moving in with someone so off-the-wall. He wants his computer and his PS3 back, however. I'll be surprised if they're still there and functioning.

At any rate ... everyone is slowly recovering. I hope they find a decent apartment soon. In their price range it's tough. I've had some very frank talks with them, which girlfriend didn't really enjoy at the time, but she still seems to want to be here and I'm seeing her smile each day, which is new. I think she doesn't mind the lower-drama environment. Seeing my granddaughter's name in the obituaries and on the temporary grave marker gave me a turn - it being my daughter's name as well. difficult child 1 meant well but ...!

Thanks again, so many thanks, to all the wonderful people here. Your caring and kindness has meant so much. Even though I haven't been up to writing much in the past few days, I have read all your posts and deeply appreciated them.

 

[gcvmom]

I am so sorry for the grief and unnecessary drama your family has gone through. Sounds like the girlfriend's mom is a major difficult child in her own right. Can your son request a police escort to meet him at the mom's house to retrieve his belongings? I know they do that for domestic violence cases -- this seems to qualify in a way.

I hope that peace and stability are just around the corner for your difficult child and his girlfriend.

 

[witzend]

Katya, I'm so sorry to hear all that your family is going through.

Is there anything of real value at this woman's house? It sounds as though she is holding them hostage with it. If it's just a bunch of stuff that kids their age usually have, I would seriously consider taking them to a resale shop and buying them new stuff when they have someplace to go. Nothing makes a control freak feel less powerful than walking away.

 

[gcvmom]

Nothing makes a control freak feel less powerful than walking away.

Well said!

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry it is so hard right now. You are all in my prayers. It might be worth it to just find a replacement computer/ps3 for difficult child 1, rather than risk the conflama this woman will raise when they go get their stuff.

 

[Hound dog]

Katya

((((hugs))))

If the kids contact the police and explain the situation, they will come and supervise while they remove their belongings from girlfriend's mother's home. Just having girlfriend's mom's friend there is probably not a good idea because if the woman wants to go off, I doubt her friend will be able to stop her or will testify against her if it gets really ugly.

 

[katya02]

Well, difficult child 1 has come to his breaking point. He's done so well the past two weeks - phenomenally well. But he got worked up before going over to girlfriend's mother's place this afternoon, very anxious, and then he and girlfriend were gone for several hours. I had to drive difficult child 2 and daughter back to college and called on my way home to check how it had gone; apparently husband called too, and tore a strip off difficult child 1 for being so long and for having not washed the brunch dishes before going out. husband did tell me, when I got home, that he had done this; he was getting worked up himself, over going in for night shift and being over-tired. When difficult child 1 and girlfriend got home, he was shaking and on the verge of a panic attack. The actual time at girlfriend's mother's place went fine; the mother apparently had taken a bunch of sedatives and slept the whole time. I guess she felt relaxed about difficult child 1 getting his stuff out, because last night she persuaded girlfriend to come back and sleep over/stay a few days at a time with her in the next few weeks, 'off and on', so that she can spend time with girlfriend and not have to be alone at night, have girlfriend 'help' her with various things (she always has girlfriend running around doing everything for her). So, basically, girlfriend has agreed to go back to mommy dearest while she's on medical leave and spend the occasional night here with difficult child 1. That was news to me tonight. It definitely contributed to difficult child 1's upset.

difficult child 1 has been so worked up all evening, though, that it wasn't possible to address girlfriend's decision to try to live with her mother and difficult child 1 at the same time, at different addresses. difficult child 1 was shaking, tearful, obsessive, desperately nervous about going back to work tomorrow, upset about husband's phone call, and generally overwhelmed and crashing. He was obsessing and repeating things over and over, the way he did when he was much younger. He took the last of girlfriend's lorazepam and if he hadn't, I think he'd have been cutting tonight. I don't know how he's going to cope at work this week.

He's done so well, but I guess things were bound to come apart at some point. As for girlfriend, I wish she would just go running back to mommy once and for all. Her mother will never let her go, and she's not mature enough to make the decision to have her own life. Unfortunately difficult child 1 seems very dependent on her and if she just left, I think he'd have a complete breakdown. So I'm biting my tongue until it bleeds.

 

[Hound dog]

Aw hon I'm so sorry. difficult child has had soooooo much to deal with all at once, as have all of you.

Nichole's bff was oddly the same way with her parents. I think honestly somehow they actually trained her to be their caregiver when in fact it should have been the other way around. The girl has spina bifida and several other serious birth defects that keeps her health on a very fine line, yet soon as she was old enough she was waiting on them hand and foot, caring for the house like an adult.....then when old enough to work was the only one working full time while trying to go to high school. The girl has amazing strength if only she'd come to realize it. I was worried she'd never break free from her parents. But recently she made the break, her son (she's had another child after losing the 1st one prematurely) was her motivation. She still has a long way to go.....but at least she is no longer basically a slave to her drug addicted parents whims. But I noticed with her it was so very difficult for her to break free from the role they'd taught her. It was the only family dynamic she knew until she started to have sleep overs here with Nichole.

Hopefully girlfriend will make up her mind one way or the other soon. This is making an already very difficult time all the more difficult.

(((hugs)))