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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 422416" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Well done... really. It's not easy to get out (psychologically, practically) of these abusive relationships and you have done so. The life ahead will contain difficulties but you will be living on the basis of sanity, not insanity. And insanity cannot be engaged with...</p><p>Just a thought that occurred to me about what you said to your husband re him getting himself sorted out before he comes back or if he comes back... I would counsel caution. I think your husband has to be really ready to want to look at himself honestly and doing so usually involves time alone, facing life and oneself alone. I left (finally - kept staying, for all sorts of reasons including the child we had adopted together) a marriage in which my ex-husband was hyper-controlling, verbally extremely abusive (violent rages). I should point out that when we married, he wasn't like that... !! Anyway... my leaving, and going to live in a completely different country for six months, was quite a shock to him. He kept promising this and that, entreating and expecting that we would get back together. But in fact he didn't really want to make the marriage work - I think he was unable to bear the pain of separation and also the wound to his pride. Once I had made my decision, there was no looking back. The insanity was over. </p><p>And now... my ex-husband is married again (to a Moroccan woman from a traditional background, much better suited to him) and I think he has done some - just a bit, don't want to exaggerate it! - honest looking at himself. Now when he talks to me on the phone (we discuss J and arrangements for him to come and stay with him), he is respectful, civilised, friendly... He would NEVER be like that if there were not sufficient space between us...</p><p>That's my experience - might not be comparable to yours. But... I think these abusive, raging, controlling men probably have a lot in common...</p><p>Best of luck to you and your children. I do hope you get the practical arrangements sorted out that will enable you to get life back on an even keel again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 422416, member: 11227"] Well done... really. It's not easy to get out (psychologically, practically) of these abusive relationships and you have done so. The life ahead will contain difficulties but you will be living on the basis of sanity, not insanity. And insanity cannot be engaged with... Just a thought that occurred to me about what you said to your husband re him getting himself sorted out before he comes back or if he comes back... I would counsel caution. I think your husband has to be really ready to want to look at himself honestly and doing so usually involves time alone, facing life and oneself alone. I left (finally - kept staying, for all sorts of reasons including the child we had adopted together) a marriage in which my ex-husband was hyper-controlling, verbally extremely abusive (violent rages). I should point out that when we married, he wasn't like that... !! Anyway... my leaving, and going to live in a completely different country for six months, was quite a shock to him. He kept promising this and that, entreating and expecting that we would get back together. But in fact he didn't really want to make the marriage work - I think he was unable to bear the pain of separation and also the wound to his pride. Once I had made my decision, there was no looking back. The insanity was over. And now... my ex-husband is married again (to a Moroccan woman from a traditional background, much better suited to him) and I think he has done some - just a bit, don't want to exaggerate it! - honest looking at himself. Now when he talks to me on the phone (we discuss J and arrangements for him to come and stay with him), he is respectful, civilised, friendly... He would NEVER be like that if there were not sufficient space between us... That's my experience - might not be comparable to yours. But... I think these abusive, raging, controlling men probably have a lot in common... Best of luck to you and your children. I do hope you get the practical arrangements sorted out that will enable you to get life back on an even keel again. [/QUOTE]
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