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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 565758" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>AG, I don't mean to sound unkind, but in my opinion it is just plain CRAZY to plan to spend ten thousand dollars on a sixty day aftercare program for a 19yo kid who has no real interest in getting sober. I probably would think it was nuts to spend four hundred a week on it, but ten grand plus?????? </p><p></p><p>The counselor is telling you to trust the program. I think he is full of bologna, and not the name brand good stuff either. The really cheap, left sitting out on the dock for a week in an Oklahoma July and now it is green kind of bologna.</p><p></p><p>The program, the 12 steps, etc... is great. But the program is NOT going to follow the steps or rules. the program is what it is. The PEOPLE are the ones who have to follow the rules. Do you honestly, deep down in your gut where you are brutally honest with yourself even f you don't always admit it to yourself, think that sixty days of this or ANY program is going to convince your son that he has a problem AND that he truly wants to dedicate himself to a life of sober and clean living? Serously???</p><p></p><p>I know a LOT of people who went to rehab because their family pretty much forced them to. Some of the got and stayed clean for a long time. Most did not. MANY went through many different rehabs and programs and then years later after they had really lived and were at a point where they were totally miserable, they cleaned up their acts. They went to AA, maybe they did a few trips to the ER or detox for a few days and then they went to meetings and grew up and made the choice every day. </p><p></p><p>Until your son is mature enough to truly believe he has a problem, and that the problem is ruining his life and is not something he wants to continue, you can flush your money down the toilet. I strongly doubt that this program only has 10 people because they are so selective. It is vastly more probable that they only have 10 people because they are so expensive and it is all private pay. </p><p></p><p>I know addicts who went to very expensive and very inexpensive and free rehabs and aftercare programs. Heck, my exsil's family and insurance companies have blown close to two hundred thousand dollars on programs for her. One was over twenty five grand a month. She still has yet to have more than four months of sobriety in over thirty years of sub abuse. </p><p></p><p>Your son's anger at you is a great big sign that he is in no way ready for this program. By the time they get to aftercare they should be ready to at the very least accept that this is their problem, not something they blame on others. Anyone who tells you differently is after your money. I don't say this because it is my experience. I say this because I have been told this over and over and over by people who have sent loved ones to rehab and aftercare and by those loved ones who have gone to the programs. I started going to alanon when I was 21. I was preg and newly married and had just learned what a huge impact alcohol had actually had on my life. My parents were not alcoholics, but they were raised by alcoholics or those who had been raised by alcoholics. That is the family disease that keeps on giving. I learned back then that it doesn't matter how much money you throw into rehab and aftercare. What matters is that the addict comes to the decision to get sober and clean and that the addict makes that decision every single day. Every single hour or minute if necessary. </p><p></p><p>So far your son has done nothing but attend programs and maybe not use. That is it. You have done all the work. Until you put the work and the responsibility for his life on his shoulders he simply is not going to take the responsibility for his sobriety that he must assume before any type of program has a prayer of succeeding. </p><p></p><p>Right now your son is all up in anger at how you have betrayed him and caused his sponsor to betray him. Where is his heartfelt apology for how his addiction and abuse have betrayed and abused you? The people I have known who went through rehab did not succeed until they came out realizing that this was their problem and only their problem and no matter what anyone did or didn't do or said or didn't say that it was still their problem. The ones who came out blaming and shaming others? Didn't last a week, not even in a sober house or very restrictive aftercare. Until they truly believed that it was their fault, their problem, their responsibility and only their responsibility no matter what anyone else did or said, they didn't stay clean and sober.</p><p></p><p>Even my rarely sober exsil has said that the only real difference between the really expensive and really cheap rehabs is how nice the place looks, how good the food is and how wealthy the families of the addicts are. Period. The addicts I know who have been through multiple rehabs have all said that it wasn't the cost of the program, it was what they, the addict, put into the program.</p><p></p><p>You are doing ALL of the work. You are worrying about if you should have asked his sponsor where the car was. You are worrying about how he will abuse you if you are alone iwth him.</p><p></p><p>Can you really SEE how sick this is??? I mean sick as in unhealthy. I mean sick as codependent. Maybe if he needs this program then the program will come get him or else he can get a ride with this counselor who thinks it is so important and he is so ready for it. maybe that should be part of the ten grand that it iwll cost you? </p><p></p><p>PLEASE see a therapist or go to alanon or Codependent No More groups, whatever it takes to get YOU to a healthy mindset where you allow difficult child to live his own life and handle his sobriety on his own. No, it won't be easy. You may not hear from him for weeks or months except when he wants money or resources. Spend some of this huge sum of money on therapy for yourself and let him find a program to work. Because no matter what that money grubbing counselor says, it isn't the program that does the work. It is the addict. I have NEVER seen a program that worked unless it had people in it who wanted to be clean and wanted to make that decision every minute, every hour, every day. </p><p></p><p>Your weight loss is awesome, and I am so proud of you for that. It truly is difficult to do, and it is wonderful. I truly admire you for doing this!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 565758, member: 1233"] AG, I don't mean to sound unkind, but in my opinion it is just plain CRAZY to plan to spend ten thousand dollars on a sixty day aftercare program for a 19yo kid who has no real interest in getting sober. I probably would think it was nuts to spend four hundred a week on it, but ten grand plus?????? The counselor is telling you to trust the program. I think he is full of bologna, and not the name brand good stuff either. The really cheap, left sitting out on the dock for a week in an Oklahoma July and now it is green kind of bologna. The program, the 12 steps, etc... is great. But the program is NOT going to follow the steps or rules. the program is what it is. The PEOPLE are the ones who have to follow the rules. Do you honestly, deep down in your gut where you are brutally honest with yourself even f you don't always admit it to yourself, think that sixty days of this or ANY program is going to convince your son that he has a problem AND that he truly wants to dedicate himself to a life of sober and clean living? Serously??? I know a LOT of people who went to rehab because their family pretty much forced them to. Some of the got and stayed clean for a long time. Most did not. MANY went through many different rehabs and programs and then years later after they had really lived and were at a point where they were totally miserable, they cleaned up their acts. They went to AA, maybe they did a few trips to the ER or detox for a few days and then they went to meetings and grew up and made the choice every day. Until your son is mature enough to truly believe he has a problem, and that the problem is ruining his life and is not something he wants to continue, you can flush your money down the toilet. I strongly doubt that this program only has 10 people because they are so selective. It is vastly more probable that they only have 10 people because they are so expensive and it is all private pay. I know addicts who went to very expensive and very inexpensive and free rehabs and aftercare programs. Heck, my exsil's family and insurance companies have blown close to two hundred thousand dollars on programs for her. One was over twenty five grand a month. She still has yet to have more than four months of sobriety in over thirty years of sub abuse. Your son's anger at you is a great big sign that he is in no way ready for this program. By the time they get to aftercare they should be ready to at the very least accept that this is their problem, not something they blame on others. Anyone who tells you differently is after your money. I don't say this because it is my experience. I say this because I have been told this over and over and over by people who have sent loved ones to rehab and aftercare and by those loved ones who have gone to the programs. I started going to alanon when I was 21. I was preg and newly married and had just learned what a huge impact alcohol had actually had on my life. My parents were not alcoholics, but they were raised by alcoholics or those who had been raised by alcoholics. That is the family disease that keeps on giving. I learned back then that it doesn't matter how much money you throw into rehab and aftercare. What matters is that the addict comes to the decision to get sober and clean and that the addict makes that decision every single day. Every single hour or minute if necessary. So far your son has done nothing but attend programs and maybe not use. That is it. You have done all the work. Until you put the work and the responsibility for his life on his shoulders he simply is not going to take the responsibility for his sobriety that he must assume before any type of program has a prayer of succeeding. Right now your son is all up in anger at how you have betrayed him and caused his sponsor to betray him. Where is his heartfelt apology for how his addiction and abuse have betrayed and abused you? The people I have known who went through rehab did not succeed until they came out realizing that this was their problem and only their problem and no matter what anyone did or didn't do or said or didn't say that it was still their problem. The ones who came out blaming and shaming others? Didn't last a week, not even in a sober house or very restrictive aftercare. Until they truly believed that it was their fault, their problem, their responsibility and only their responsibility no matter what anyone else did or said, they didn't stay clean and sober. Even my rarely sober exsil has said that the only real difference between the really expensive and really cheap rehabs is how nice the place looks, how good the food is and how wealthy the families of the addicts are. Period. The addicts I know who have been through multiple rehabs have all said that it wasn't the cost of the program, it was what they, the addict, put into the program. You are doing ALL of the work. You are worrying about if you should have asked his sponsor where the car was. You are worrying about how he will abuse you if you are alone iwth him. Can you really SEE how sick this is??? I mean sick as in unhealthy. I mean sick as codependent. Maybe if he needs this program then the program will come get him or else he can get a ride with this counselor who thinks it is so important and he is so ready for it. maybe that should be part of the ten grand that it iwll cost you? PLEASE see a therapist or go to alanon or Codependent No More groups, whatever it takes to get YOU to a healthy mindset where you allow difficult child to live his own life and handle his sobriety on his own. No, it won't be easy. You may not hear from him for weeks or months except when he wants money or resources. Spend some of this huge sum of money on therapy for yourself and let him find a program to work. Because no matter what that money grubbing counselor says, it isn't the program that does the work. It is the addict. I have NEVER seen a program that worked unless it had people in it who wanted to be clean and wanted to make that decision every minute, every hour, every day. Your weight loss is awesome, and I am so proud of you for that. It truly is difficult to do, and it is wonderful. I truly admire you for doing this! [/QUOTE]
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