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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 587467" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Thanks, busywend. </p><p></p><p>One impact is that I sort of front for her to the rest of the family. I tend to believe in difficult child, and to feel badly things are so confusing for her.</p><p></p><p>Here is an example: Last summer, difficult child moved from another state. I would stay with she and the kids on days difficult child was working. When difficult child had consecutive days off, I would go home again, so she and the kids could adjust to their own routines without me there as a buffer. During one three day stint when I had gone home again, we didn't hear from difficult child. When I returned to her home, there was evidence of a party. Nothing wrong with that, except that, while difficult child told me it was two or three of her friends who had come to do laundry (danger signal right there, as laundry doesn't take overnight), my thirteen year old granddaughter was thoroughly disgusted with whatever had gone on. I did call difficult child on it, and on the people involved in it. But I sort of believed her when she said it was just her good "friends" who have "changed" and who are like "family" to her.</p><p></p><p>So I am seeing my own answer. The woman who answered the phone last night is one such "friend". This really IS happening all over again. </p><p></p><p>It is.</p><p></p><p>The next time difficult child had days off (four days), we got a phone call early on the morning of the third day from an old friend of difficult child's. She had called him, and told him she needed him to come and threaten "meth heads" who had been invited to live with her in her apartment as long as they were clean, and who now would not leave. husband and I had co-signed on the apartment, so WE went and made them leave. </p><p></p><p>And I really do think they were meth heads or something like that.</p><p></p><p>difficult child's "explanation" was that husband had embarrassed her by yelling at her about having people like that in her home with her children present in front of her friends. Her other "explanation" was that they would have left on their own, even if I had not gone into their room (which she claimed she was afraid to do because of the drug thing) and made them leave. I stayed at difficult child's again, as she needed to work the day after that, anyway. She was quite cool to me, as I was to her. All the warning signs for what was really happening were there, then. husband and I considered calling Social Services for the sake of the kids, then. (We live in another state than difficult child. So, it wasn't just a matter of taking the kids. Two are in school, we don't have legal guardianship, that kind of thing.)</p><p></p><p>Anyway. After all this, we believed in difficult child, and continued to help in every way. She was working, seemed to love and enjoy the kids, the kids seemed to trust her...except there were little inconsistencies. Never enough to justify taking that drastic step of calling Social Services.</p><p></p><p>Though in retrospect, I should have.</p><p></p><p>When it came time for us to go South, difficult child seemed to be doing alright. There is (real) family right in the neighborhood she was living.</p><p></p><p>Blah, blah, blah.</p><p></p><p>Within two weeks of our leaving, difficult child quit her job.</p><p></p><p>And headed downhill with a vengeance.</p><p></p><p>When we asked real family to check on her, she would answer the door, but not let them in.</p><p></p><p>We asked the police to check on her, and on the safety of the kids. Their report was that the kids were present and seemed fine. What they didn't tell us at the time (we have seen the police report since) was that difficult child was intoxicated.</p><p></p><p>That is the kind of thing I mean. I never believe it is what it is. It just doesn't seem possible, and I feel like a poop if I think about mistrusting her motives. It seems that I should believe in her, believe the best of her, believe that whatever it looks like now, she will make the right decision. difficult child explained the drinking by saying she needed to drink to sleep. Which could be a part of mania....</p><p></p><p>I feel so guilty that we didn't go back this winter when we suspected things were going badly...and what I should be acknowledging is that I feel so angry that difficult child did what she did that I can't look at it.</p><p></p><p>THAT is what I don't want to know. THAT is where the denial comes in, right? I am so blindingly angry I'm practically speechless and yet, I feel that if I display that to difficult child, she might...what. Do what she's done and is doing, again? </p><p></p><p>So, it's a control issue then, isn't it? </p><p></p><p>I seem to be hanging on to the illusion of control. Like, "Boy, if I ever tell difficult child what I think of her for what she's done and is doing, she'll stop! She'll be damaged, because I'm the mom and I'm supposed to believe in her, but at least, she will stop what she's doing.</p><p></p><p>Could that be it?</p><p></p><p>Because, here's the thing. The nasty little truth I never want to admit is that, while an improperly prescribed medication could, indeed, push a person into mania and then, depression...difficult child probably moved back to begin with to be with the people she sought out even before she found her apartment. And we knew that, but we believed her when she said they had changed, and they were her good friends, and she could handle it. With the added piece about the prescribed medication (Cymbalta) having pushed her over the edge.... Like, you can't fault someone for a mental illness, right? But how much of difficult child's reaction might be due to other things she is taking? Drugs. Alcohol. Which, we've learned, were part of the picture, too. Again, the mental illness thing. If she's not responsible, doesn't she need to be protected until she comes back to herself? But...why those people. difficult child's choice of companion has nothing to do with mental illness. Or maybe it does?</p><p></p><p>Here's the thing. It does me in to hear desperation in her voice about something bad happening that she didn't expect. I can understand and understand how these things could have happened. BUT. They keep happening. And they are happening again. difficult child's answer for going to this person to help her rent a room (which is where she is living now) is that she left the treatment facility without I.D. This person has I.D. and so, it was possible for difficult child to rent somewhere to live, for now. (difficult child left treatment right after she got her tax return. I never put that piece together either. husband did.) The truth is that family in the area would have done that for difficult child in a heartbeat. She CHOSE to go back to the same people. And you know? I have that same feeling that, somehow, I am being manipulated by difficult child again. She asked me to call the kids' father for her because she didn't have her calling card. What it turned out to be is that the father suspects this whole leaving treatment thing is a disaster waiting to happen, and doesn't WANT to take difficult child's calls. </p><p></p><p>I am trying to put a better face on it for difficult child's oldest daughter, too.</p><p></p><p>We're all so confused and sort of lost. No one knows how to think about all this, because it seems hopeless.</p><p></p><p>It feels like a betrayal to admit, and act on, what now seems to be true. No, on what I now KNOW to be the truth.</p><p></p><p>I am rambling all over the place, here. It is helping me to clarify things, though.</p><p></p><p>I will try to be more focused in future.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 587467, member: 1721"] Thanks, busywend. One impact is that I sort of front for her to the rest of the family. I tend to believe in difficult child, and to feel badly things are so confusing for her. Here is an example: Last summer, difficult child moved from another state. I would stay with she and the kids on days difficult child was working. When difficult child had consecutive days off, I would go home again, so she and the kids could adjust to their own routines without me there as a buffer. During one three day stint when I had gone home again, we didn't hear from difficult child. When I returned to her home, there was evidence of a party. Nothing wrong with that, except that, while difficult child told me it was two or three of her friends who had come to do laundry (danger signal right there, as laundry doesn't take overnight), my thirteen year old granddaughter was thoroughly disgusted with whatever had gone on. I did call difficult child on it, and on the people involved in it. But I sort of believed her when she said it was just her good "friends" who have "changed" and who are like "family" to her. So I am seeing my own answer. The woman who answered the phone last night is one such "friend". This really IS happening all over again. It is. The next time difficult child had days off (four days), we got a phone call early on the morning of the third day from an old friend of difficult child's. She had called him, and told him she needed him to come and threaten "meth heads" who had been invited to live with her in her apartment as long as they were clean, and who now would not leave. husband and I had co-signed on the apartment, so WE went and made them leave. And I really do think they were meth heads or something like that. difficult child's "explanation" was that husband had embarrassed her by yelling at her about having people like that in her home with her children present in front of her friends. Her other "explanation" was that they would have left on their own, even if I had not gone into their room (which she claimed she was afraid to do because of the drug thing) and made them leave. I stayed at difficult child's again, as she needed to work the day after that, anyway. She was quite cool to me, as I was to her. All the warning signs for what was really happening were there, then. husband and I considered calling Social Services for the sake of the kids, then. (We live in another state than difficult child. So, it wasn't just a matter of taking the kids. Two are in school, we don't have legal guardianship, that kind of thing.) Anyway. After all this, we believed in difficult child, and continued to help in every way. She was working, seemed to love and enjoy the kids, the kids seemed to trust her...except there were little inconsistencies. Never enough to justify taking that drastic step of calling Social Services. Though in retrospect, I should have. When it came time for us to go South, difficult child seemed to be doing alright. There is (real) family right in the neighborhood she was living. Blah, blah, blah. Within two weeks of our leaving, difficult child quit her job. And headed downhill with a vengeance. When we asked real family to check on her, she would answer the door, but not let them in. We asked the police to check on her, and on the safety of the kids. Their report was that the kids were present and seemed fine. What they didn't tell us at the time (we have seen the police report since) was that difficult child was intoxicated. That is the kind of thing I mean. I never believe it is what it is. It just doesn't seem possible, and I feel like a poop if I think about mistrusting her motives. It seems that I should believe in her, believe the best of her, believe that whatever it looks like now, she will make the right decision. difficult child explained the drinking by saying she needed to drink to sleep. Which could be a part of mania.... I feel so guilty that we didn't go back this winter when we suspected things were going badly...and what I should be acknowledging is that I feel so angry that difficult child did what she did that I can't look at it. THAT is what I don't want to know. THAT is where the denial comes in, right? I am so blindingly angry I'm practically speechless and yet, I feel that if I display that to difficult child, she might...what. Do what she's done and is doing, again? So, it's a control issue then, isn't it? I seem to be hanging on to the illusion of control. Like, "Boy, if I ever tell difficult child what I think of her for what she's done and is doing, she'll stop! She'll be damaged, because I'm the mom and I'm supposed to believe in her, but at least, she will stop what she's doing. Could that be it? Because, here's the thing. The nasty little truth I never want to admit is that, while an improperly prescribed medication could, indeed, push a person into mania and then, depression...difficult child probably moved back to begin with to be with the people she sought out even before she found her apartment. And we knew that, but we believed her when she said they had changed, and they were her good friends, and she could handle it. With the added piece about the prescribed medication (Cymbalta) having pushed her over the edge.... Like, you can't fault someone for a mental illness, right? But how much of difficult child's reaction might be due to other things she is taking? Drugs. Alcohol. Which, we've learned, were part of the picture, too. Again, the mental illness thing. If she's not responsible, doesn't she need to be protected until she comes back to herself? But...why those people. difficult child's choice of companion has nothing to do with mental illness. Or maybe it does? Here's the thing. It does me in to hear desperation in her voice about something bad happening that she didn't expect. I can understand and understand how these things could have happened. BUT. They keep happening. And they are happening again. difficult child's answer for going to this person to help her rent a room (which is where she is living now) is that she left the treatment facility without I.D. This person has I.D. and so, it was possible for difficult child to rent somewhere to live, for now. (difficult child left treatment right after she got her tax return. I never put that piece together either. husband did.) The truth is that family in the area would have done that for difficult child in a heartbeat. She CHOSE to go back to the same people. And you know? I have that same feeling that, somehow, I am being manipulated by difficult child again. She asked me to call the kids' father for her because she didn't have her calling card. What it turned out to be is that the father suspects this whole leaving treatment thing is a disaster waiting to happen, and doesn't WANT to take difficult child's calls. I am trying to put a better face on it for difficult child's oldest daughter, too. We're all so confused and sort of lost. No one knows how to think about all this, because it seems hopeless. It feels like a betrayal to admit, and act on, what now seems to be true. No, on what I now KNOW to be the truth. I am rambling all over the place, here. It is helping me to clarify things, though. I will try to be more focused in future. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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