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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 615430" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Re: Family of origin issues, Recovering. I think that before we had done enough healing work to alleviate the responsibility we felt for the outcome of every situation ~ not just family situations, but every situation ~ we did not take the truth at the heart of those dysfunctional family relationships seriously. And what we did take seriously, we tried to fix. I don't think we were bad or weak or willingly blind though, Recovering. I think we were just so certain we could create a better way for our families of origin through holding strong. As it turns out though, while we were holding strong, they were labeling us as people who could be treated badly and dependably manipulated through neediness ~ theirs, or ours. </p><p></p><p>I am quite P.O. about it, actually.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Freedom seems to have to do with not knowing how to respond, with understanding that calming everyone down is somehow disrespectful, patronizing. The pay off for my own game. Just sitting through it, now.</p><p></p><p>You are right too Recovering about trusting ourselves to acknowledge our own anger without being afraid of it. Poor husband has been taking a step or two back, as well. Know what I tell myself about that? That he will be healthier too, once I am healthier. We can both grow and change and that is such a good, good thing. But actually, I don't exactly seem to have a choice about that. All at once, I'm just accepting everything. If I don't like it? I emotionally walk away from it. A very strange, new place to be coming from. I always fix everything or at least, exhaust myself trying.</p><p></p><p>It is an amazing process.</p><p></p><p>Regarding difficult child daughter, who is coming to live with us for a time. I cannot believe all this is hitting the fan all at once like it is. Remember how we wondered about intent, purpose, and challenge, Recovering? Having successfully met one series of challenges, husband and I are immediately confronting another kind of challenge. I will make a separate post about that. Having successfully confronted your daughter Recovering, you too were immediately confronted with different kinds of challenges, each with the potential to be just as devastating, each just as clearly designed to test your newly developed healthier self. (I remember you posting about the successful resolution of the conflict of having had to continue to work beyond the time it felt right. You came through that beautifully. Now, the skin issues. Different aspects of self, challenged one immediately after the other.</p><p></p><p>I like that imagery Brene Brown gave us. Choosing to ride that edge of vulnerability, whatever the nature of the challenge or discomfort.</p><p></p><p>We are doing just fine, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>Painful as it was to get here, I too am finding myself "unstuck." That is a great description. And I too see it spilling into every area of my life. </p><p></p><p>The other thing that is happening is that I am aware that I am in a challenging situation as I go through it. I feel a little lost, am not so sure of how to respond, or am hearing myself respond in ways that just ring wrong.</p><p></p><p>Lately, I have become exquisitely aware of the difference between doing something for someone and doing something for someone to notice. What's happening is that all the times I have been irresponsible to the person with whom I should have been interacting because I was so busy dancing in the light of my own wonderfulness (or resentment) are coming to the surface. I am ashamed of those times, and I don't know what to do about that, except to try to be more responsible to the personal interaction, now. </p><p></p><p>And interestingly enough, people around me are beginning to comment or cause me to think about those very issues.</p><p></p><p>It's interesting and...you know? Very disturbing and enjoyable. I like to think about you out there, riding that edge, too.</p><p></p><p>How cool is that, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 615430, member: 17461"] Re: Family of origin issues, Recovering. I think that before we had done enough healing work to alleviate the responsibility we felt for the outcome of every situation ~ not just family situations, but every situation ~ we did not take the truth at the heart of those dysfunctional family relationships seriously. And what we did take seriously, we tried to fix. I don't think we were bad or weak or willingly blind though, Recovering. I think we were just so certain we could create a better way for our families of origin through holding strong. As it turns out though, while we were holding strong, they were labeling us as people who could be treated badly and dependably manipulated through neediness ~ theirs, or ours. I am quite P.O. about it, actually. :O) Freedom seems to have to do with not knowing how to respond, with understanding that calming everyone down is somehow disrespectful, patronizing. The pay off for my own game. Just sitting through it, now. You are right too Recovering about trusting ourselves to acknowledge our own anger without being afraid of it. Poor husband has been taking a step or two back, as well. Know what I tell myself about that? That he will be healthier too, once I am healthier. We can both grow and change and that is such a good, good thing. But actually, I don't exactly seem to have a choice about that. All at once, I'm just accepting everything. If I don't like it? I emotionally walk away from it. A very strange, new place to be coming from. I always fix everything or at least, exhaust myself trying. It is an amazing process. Regarding difficult child daughter, who is coming to live with us for a time. I cannot believe all this is hitting the fan all at once like it is. Remember how we wondered about intent, purpose, and challenge, Recovering? Having successfully met one series of challenges, husband and I are immediately confronting another kind of challenge. I will make a separate post about that. Having successfully confronted your daughter Recovering, you too were immediately confronted with different kinds of challenges, each with the potential to be just as devastating, each just as clearly designed to test your newly developed healthier self. (I remember you posting about the successful resolution of the conflict of having had to continue to work beyond the time it felt right. You came through that beautifully. Now, the skin issues. Different aspects of self, challenged one immediately after the other. I like that imagery Brene Brown gave us. Choosing to ride that edge of vulnerability, whatever the nature of the challenge or discomfort. We are doing just fine, Recovering. Painful as it was to get here, I too am finding myself "unstuck." That is a great description. And I too see it spilling into every area of my life. The other thing that is happening is that I am aware that I am in a challenging situation as I go through it. I feel a little lost, am not so sure of how to respond, or am hearing myself respond in ways that just ring wrong. Lately, I have become exquisitely aware of the difference between doing something for someone and doing something for someone to notice. What's happening is that all the times I have been irresponsible to the person with whom I should have been interacting because I was so busy dancing in the light of my own wonderfulness (or resentment) are coming to the surface. I am ashamed of those times, and I don't know what to do about that, except to try to be more responsible to the personal interaction, now. And interestingly enough, people around me are beginning to comment or cause me to think about those very issues. It's interesting and...you know? Very disturbing and enjoyable. I like to think about you out there, riding that edge, too. How cool is that, Recovering. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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