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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 615466" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I think we were just so certain we could create a better way for our families of origin through holding strong. As it turns out though, while we were holding strong, they were labeling us as people who could be treated badly and dependably manipulated through neediness ~ theirs, or ours. </p><p></p><p>I am quite P.O. about it, actually.</p><p></p><p>Freedom seems to have to do with not knowing how to respond, with understanding that calming everyone down is somehow disrespectful, patronizing. The pay off for my own game. Just sitting through it, now.</p><p></p><p>All at once, I'm just accepting everything. If I don't like it? I emotionally walk away from it. A very strange, new place to be coming from. I always fix everything or at least, exhaust myself trying.</p><p></p><p>It is an amazing process.</p><p></p><p>Regarding difficult child daughter, who is coming to live with us for a time. I cannot believe all this is hitting the fan all at once like it is. Remember how we wondered about intent, purpose, and challenge, Recovering? Having successfully met one series of challenges, husband and I are immediately confronting another kind of challenge. I will make a separate post about that. </p><p></p><p>We are doing just fine, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>Painful as it was to get here, I too am finding myself "unstuck." That is a great description. And I too see it spilling into every area of my life. </p><p></p><p>The other thing that is happening is that I am aware that I am in a challenging situation as I go through it. I feel a little lost, am not so sure of how to respond, or am hearing myself respond in ways that just ring wrong.</p><p></p><p>Lately, I have become exquisitely aware of the difference between doing something for someone and doing something for someone to notice. What's happening is that all the times I have been irresponsible to the person with whom I should have been interacting because I was so busy dancing in the light of my own wonderfulness (or resentment) are coming to the surface. I am ashamed of those times, and I don't know what to do about that, except to try to be more responsible to the personal interaction, now. </p><p></p><p>And interestingly enough, people around me are beginning to comment or cause me to think about those very issues.</p><p></p><p>It's interesting and...you know? Very disturbing and enjoyable. I like to think about you out there, riding that edge, too.</p><p></p><p>How cool is that, Recovering.</p><p>***************************************************************</p><p><em>It is very cool Cedar! </em>Good description about riding the edge, it is exhilarating and scary at the same time. </p><p></p><p>Buddha said, "the only difference between fear and excitement is breath." Good to remember to breathe deeply.</p><p></p><p>John Lily said, when we let go of control and live in uncertainty we have the deepest sense of aliveness ..........living life at point blank range................ALIVE!</p><p></p><p>Yes, while we were "holding strong" we were in essence unaware of the manipulators surrounding us.....the flip side of being the rescuer, being the blind prey. </p><p></p><p>Freedom is what I have been seeking and in reality................ it was responding from the truth of me......the ability to respond authentically.</p><p></p><p>There is a lot of freedom in not fixing everything and letting the messy pieces fall wherever they fall. </p><p></p><p>Unstuck beats the h*ll out of stuck.</p><p></p><p>If we're aware of it as it's happening, we can change our response. You are right about that and it is empowering too.</p><p></p><p>Your difficult child coming to live with you now is an opportunity for you to practice your new found boundaries. You and husband might put together a contract, made of what it is <strong>you </strong>want and what it is <strong>you</strong> don't want and what she has to do and what your expectations are and clearly, what the consequences are if she does not abide by YOUR rules. There should be an end date, clearly set before hand. You are doing her a kindness, you make the rules, not her. All the boundaries we did not set for them when they were young have to be set now. That is what I had to do with my daughter too,<em> retrain </em>her to treat me with respect, to honor me, to appreciate me, to stop thinking she could in ANY way use or manipulate me. Do not tolerate any bad behavior AT ALL. </p><p></p><p>I have "danced in the light of my own wonderfulness" too Cedar............great line by the way. Hey, it's all we had to go on, if we are great rescuers and savers we have great value..............we forgot we have value without doing any of that..........that was how we were trained, so we can let it go now...........feel compassion for the little girls who thought that up..............and let it go.........</p><p></p><p>I am curious as to what your next set of challenges are? Is it related to your daughter living with you, your sister, or all of it? </p><p></p><p>You have your warrior suit on now Cedar, no more "mush head" you have been initiated in to the TRUTH and one cannot spring back to denial now, you know too much, you've seen the Wizard behind the screen and you can't see your daughter or your son as the helpless, frightened little children anymore.............they are grown up people who've learned to manipulate to continue their entitled lifestyle. </p><p></p><p>I want to be straight and honest now, no more making nice, no more saving anyone, no more editing .........that straight shot is very liberating, very real, and feels very good. I know you feel that too.............</p><p></p><p>I like the idea of riding the edge with you too Cedar...............it's one helluva ride!!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 615466, member: 13542"] I think we were just so certain we could create a better way for our families of origin through holding strong. As it turns out though, while we were holding strong, they were labeling us as people who could be treated badly and dependably manipulated through neediness ~ theirs, or ours. I am quite P.O. about it, actually. Freedom seems to have to do with not knowing how to respond, with understanding that calming everyone down is somehow disrespectful, patronizing. The pay off for my own game. Just sitting through it, now. All at once, I'm just accepting everything. If I don't like it? I emotionally walk away from it. A very strange, new place to be coming from. I always fix everything or at least, exhaust myself trying. It is an amazing process. Regarding difficult child daughter, who is coming to live with us for a time. I cannot believe all this is hitting the fan all at once like it is. Remember how we wondered about intent, purpose, and challenge, Recovering? Having successfully met one series of challenges, husband and I are immediately confronting another kind of challenge. I will make a separate post about that. We are doing just fine, Recovering. Painful as it was to get here, I too am finding myself "unstuck." That is a great description. And I too see it spilling into every area of my life. The other thing that is happening is that I am aware that I am in a challenging situation as I go through it. I feel a little lost, am not so sure of how to respond, or am hearing myself respond in ways that just ring wrong. Lately, I have become exquisitely aware of the difference between doing something for someone and doing something for someone to notice. What's happening is that all the times I have been irresponsible to the person with whom I should have been interacting because I was so busy dancing in the light of my own wonderfulness (or resentment) are coming to the surface. I am ashamed of those times, and I don't know what to do about that, except to try to be more responsible to the personal interaction, now. And interestingly enough, people around me are beginning to comment or cause me to think about those very issues. It's interesting and...you know? Very disturbing and enjoyable. I like to think about you out there, riding that edge, too. How cool is that, Recovering. *************************************************************** [I]It is very cool Cedar! [/I]Good description about riding the edge, it is exhilarating and scary at the same time. Buddha said, "the only difference between fear and excitement is breath." Good to remember to breathe deeply. John Lily said, when we let go of control and live in uncertainty we have the deepest sense of aliveness ..........living life at point blank range................ALIVE! Yes, while we were "holding strong" we were in essence unaware of the manipulators surrounding us.....the flip side of being the rescuer, being the blind prey. Freedom is what I have been seeking and in reality................ it was responding from the truth of me......the ability to respond authentically. There is a lot of freedom in not fixing everything and letting the messy pieces fall wherever they fall. Unstuck beats the h*ll out of stuck. If we're aware of it as it's happening, we can change our response. You are right about that and it is empowering too. Your difficult child coming to live with you now is an opportunity for you to practice your new found boundaries. You and husband might put together a contract, made of what it is [B]you [/B]want and what it is [B]you[/B] don't want and what she has to do and what your expectations are and clearly, what the consequences are if she does not abide by YOUR rules. There should be an end date, clearly set before hand. You are doing her a kindness, you make the rules, not her. All the boundaries we did not set for them when they were young have to be set now. That is what I had to do with my daughter too,[I] retrain [/I]her to treat me with respect, to honor me, to appreciate me, to stop thinking she could in ANY way use or manipulate me. Do not tolerate any bad behavior AT ALL. I have "danced in the light of my own wonderfulness" too Cedar............great line by the way. Hey, it's all we had to go on, if we are great rescuers and savers we have great value..............we forgot we have value without doing any of that..........that was how we were trained, so we can let it go now...........feel compassion for the little girls who thought that up..............and let it go......... I am curious as to what your next set of challenges are? Is it related to your daughter living with you, your sister, or all of it? You have your warrior suit on now Cedar, no more "mush head" you have been initiated in to the TRUTH and one cannot spring back to denial now, you know too much, you've seen the Wizard behind the screen and you can't see your daughter or your son as the helpless, frightened little children anymore.............they are grown up people who've learned to manipulate to continue their entitled lifestyle. I want to be straight and honest now, no more making nice, no more saving anyone, no more editing .........that straight shot is very liberating, very real, and feels very good. I know you feel that too............. I like the idea of riding the edge with you too Cedar...............it's one helluva ride!!!!! [/QUOTE]
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