Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Childofmine, Nov 10, 2014.

  1. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I know it's been a while since I posted an update so wanted to touch base with you all. I haven't been on the forum as much recently but I have been following along on some threads and commenting a little bit.

    Main reason is that I'm getting married Saturday (thanks Echo for your post about that, and for all of your good wishes!). When you're 58, YOU do the wedding, instead of your mom, like the first time. So even though it's a small wedding you still have to do all of the same stuff: flowers, food, music, invitations...you know the drill. And, our church (where we met) is very small so we limited the guest list, thinking that a decent percentage wouldn't be able to come but guess what? Most are coming! (be careful what you wish for) so just trying to get all of the details in place. Families are driving and flying in starting Thursday and most will be gone back home by Sunday/Monday. So all is well. SO moved in October 25---we have been together nearly four years but haven't lived together so that was a slight adjustment. ;) We both have home offices, and so we started out off the bat being good with doing our own thing most of the day. I think we are starting to get into a pattern now, so all of that is good, too.

    Ref difficult child---He is still working full time at McDonald's, going on three months (or so) now. During the last week of October, ex-husband (difficult child's dad) contacted me and said he and his wife were ready to help difficult child get into an apartment since he was showing some consistency. After some back and forth, I agreed that I wanted to be a part of it as well----moving very slowly here---and urged him to move slowly as well. As we all know, the deposits for all can be daunting, having to have that much cash in hand up front, so I paid the apartment deposit and rest of October's rent to get him in the door. A homeless shelter is paying the electric deposit, there is no gas in the apartment, and the water is included. difficult child paid November rent himself. Ex-husband chose to go ahead with getting difficult child's car fixed (I would have waited a bit, but we all know we can't control anybody, difficult child or not) so okay. He's still not driving the car, because he still has to get his license, insurance and tags, so I'm glad that is being slow-walked a bit. I think too much too soon could be overwhelming.

    The good news is that McDonald's gave him a ton of overtime due to him being one of the staffers at a brand new restaurant. So he has a couple of bigger checks right now. But then it will go back to 40 hours at $8 an hour and it will be hard to pay the monthly bills on that. The girlfriend is evidently living with him---the one who stabbed him (ugh)---but she is not working (what?) and supposedly isn't drinking but also isn't going to meetings (what?) so who knows? I have officially met her, and I'm being cordial but that's it. I don't think it's a good combination but again, there is no point in my saying anything about that right now. It is what it is. I'm not going to be rude to her, because who knows, maybe somehow this can have a silver lining. It's his journey. (But...not sure if she will show up at the wedding or not. Ugh. If she does, she does).

    Anyway, difficult child seems to be doing "okay." He is working a lot, responsibly paid the Nov. rent and seemed proud of that, that he could, and isn't asking for money. I have given him a couple of rides, and am doing so again today to one place. He is walking, riding a bike or riding the bus, which is perfectly fine. It takes longer, but it isn't too super cold yet, so I have no angst about that. His apartment is 6 minutes by bike he says from his work, so that is good. That's why I was content to leave the car alone for a while.

    difficult child has talked about getting a second job or another better paying job and also McDonald's has mentioned to him the management training program. I'm just glad he is working and seems to be more stable.

    I am overall cautiously optimistic, but I continue to work my own program. I don't want to get up in his business, and start asking a bunch of questions, and start expecting things. So I have to continuously work on that. I am still going to Al-Anon and will continue that regardless. I hear so much wisdom there, really profound thinking about how to live a happy, healthy, peaceful life, in all relationships so I keep coming back because it really works for me.

    I have an overall sense of well-being right now. I know that feeling can be elusive, but I am profoundly grateful today that all is as it is, right now. There are no guarantees about any of it. I just want to be more grateful and more humble every day and I think my life----and my attitude about difficult child and WHATEVER will be---will be the better for that. He still doesn't have a phone, and I think that is my silver lining too. I see or hear from him about once a week and that is about right for me.

    More to come! I'm still here, just a bit out of pocket for a while. Warm hugs to you Warrior Moms. Keep the faith!
     
    • Winner Winner x 6
    • Like Like x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So great to see an update from you, CoM. Congratulations on getting married! Sounds like your boundaries are firmly in place with difficult child - I know that line between enabling and helping is a fuzzy one sometimes but all your help sounds appropriate to me.

    Hope Saturday is a beautiful day for you .. you deserve it!
     
  3. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    COM,

    Congratulations on your upcomimg wedding! Enjoy your day. I am glad things have been smoother with difficult child. Sounds like he is moving in the right direction. I am so happy for you and that things are calm now especially because you can relax and "be in the moment" on Saturday!! :love_heart:

    Hugs,
    TE
     
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Congratulations and best wishes for a beautiful wedding, but more for a beautiful life together. Thanks for the update as well. It sounds hopeful. I will keep your family in my prayers.
     
  5. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    It is a wonderful thing to feel, and a wonderful thing to know. I am happy for you in this moment, and will be sure to pause and be joyful for you and SO (soon to be husband!!) on Saturday,

    Fondly,

    Echo
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    OMG! I'm so happy for you! You so deserve it!

    Someone suggested a wedding shower. We should do a cyber wedding shower for you :)
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  7. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the update COM. Everything sounds far more positive than it has done for a while. I'm sure you'll have a really lovely day on Saturday. I hope difficult child shares your day and you feel complete as a new family. I got married for the second time at the age of 45. It's much better second time around. I hope this marriage brings you peace, well-being, fun, friendship and passion. I hope it's a happy, safe place in which to spend the rest of your days. x
     
  8. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    COM, I'm so happy to read of this happy news! Wishing you all the best. Also glad to hear progress of your difficult child. I hope it continues.

    I haven't been on here much bc my difficult child is really in a crisis situation. All my energy has been directed at surviving this nightmare. I don't even have the energy to post about it. I will eventually.
     
  9. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I am really happy for you! Congratulations!
     
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Congratulations COM, I hope your wedding day is filled with blessings and joy...........wishing you continuing peaceful moments.........
     
  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Great to hear all of the positive developments in your life and your son's life, COM. Best wishes to you and Mr. COM for a lovely wedding and much happiness together.
     
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    COM, I love it that you're sharing your wedding celebration with us like this. It's so good to know you and yours are happy and doing well.

    Congratulations, COM and Mr. COM. Warmest wishes for a bright, happy future for you both!

    Just this morning, I read this about love. It seems right to quote it here for all of us to share, and to think about. It is not about married love only, but all the kinds of love there are.

    ***

    Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."

    Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

    Erich Fromm

    ***

    I have been thinking about that, all morning. About what it means to love, and about how those meanings change as we grow and change, ourselves.

    And about the power in loving, and the change that happens to us, not so much when we are loved, but when we love.

    Cedar
     
  13. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Holding you and yours in my thoughts and prayers, Try Again. Special prayers for strength for you, and for wisdom and patience and acceptance and forgiveness.

    Time will heal the hurt of it.

    We will all be right here, when you are ready.

    Cedar
     
Loading...