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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 751658" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Albie, my quote thingee is not working again. I do see improvement with the kids. Little by little. I am reminded of how difficult it was to adjust after hubs passed, the stages of grief I went through, struggling to find my way through a cascade of emotions while trying to get back to a routine. Their adjustment is similar, they are grieving their past and having to learn to respond with thought rather than knee jerk reactions. I have been studying up on what trauma does to a young mind, it is difficult for the brain to develop whilst in fright/flight mode. When they are steeped up in conflict, over even the smallest of things, they feed off one another and it is hard to reason with them. It seems at times that they crave for and create conflict, that is what they were raised with, it is an odd macabre comfort zone. </p><p>Their counseling sessions are not heavy handed grief work, they are slowly sifting through memories and learning why they are so volatile at times, developing skills to slow breathing and heart rate, so they can learn to calm the impulse to explode. Yet, counseling seems to be one of their triggers and I am thinking that the interaction makes them feel vulnerable and scared. So they switch those feelings off and become angry. Much safer to be tough and snarky. Especially the boys. My granddaughter is growing to enjoy her sessions. The kids have their own counselors, the younger two work with games and whiteboards, slowly drawing out their feelings so they can purge the trauma and find healthier ways to channel the built up rage.</p><p>It’s a no brainer that this is uncharted territory for these kids, trusting an adult and sharing emotions. When the very people who are supposed to love and protect you, hurt you so deeply, trust is hard earned and frightening.</p><p>It will be a long road towards recovering that innocence that was ripped away from them with their parents domestic violence, drug use, moving from place to place, neglect and abandonment. Bits and pieces of their past come out in bursts of tears and frustration as the dust settles from each explosion. “You don’t know what we have been through Tutu, moving place to place, being left alone for FIVE days wondering where our parents are.” It’s awful and heart wrenching to hear, but I know they need to speak their truth. They just need to get to the space where they can do that without the crescendo of drama, yelling, swearing, brow furrowed, red faced, atomic emotion. It is as if each rage strips away at the real feelings underneath it all, buried deep down so that as young children they could survive. I understand what’s going on, but it is still unacceptable to get to that point.</p><p>I am going to get counseling for myself to be able to cope with it all and to learn strategies to help them and me. It’s hard when things are volatile, it is so reminiscent of when their parents were in and out of our house. I don’t think they realize the roles they take on, the eldest mimicking his father, middle boy, his mother. It is easy to see how the cycle of violence perpetuates.</p><p> I intend to try my best to stop it. Honestly, <em>my</em> own survival depends on it. </p><p>Hopefully the counseling will help to purge it from them and they will learn to appreciate more peaceable ways to live.</p><p>Only time will tell.</p><p>And lots and lots of prayers.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 751658, member: 19522"] Hi Albie, my quote thingee is not working again. I do see improvement with the kids. Little by little. I am reminded of how difficult it was to adjust after hubs passed, the stages of grief I went through, struggling to find my way through a cascade of emotions while trying to get back to a routine. Their adjustment is similar, they are grieving their past and having to learn to respond with thought rather than knee jerk reactions. I have been studying up on what trauma does to a young mind, it is difficult for the brain to develop whilst in fright/flight mode. When they are steeped up in conflict, over even the smallest of things, they feed off one another and it is hard to reason with them. It seems at times that they crave for and create conflict, that is what they were raised with, it is an odd macabre comfort zone. Their counseling sessions are not heavy handed grief work, they are slowly sifting through memories and learning why they are so volatile at times, developing skills to slow breathing and heart rate, so they can learn to calm the impulse to explode. Yet, counseling seems to be one of their triggers and I am thinking that the interaction makes them feel vulnerable and scared. So they switch those feelings off and become angry. Much safer to be tough and snarky. Especially the boys. My granddaughter is growing to enjoy her sessions. The kids have their own counselors, the younger two work with games and whiteboards, slowly drawing out their feelings so they can purge the trauma and find healthier ways to channel the built up rage. It’s a no brainer that this is uncharted territory for these kids, trusting an adult and sharing emotions. When the very people who are supposed to love and protect you, hurt you so deeply, trust is hard earned and frightening. It will be a long road towards recovering that innocence that was ripped away from them with their parents domestic violence, drug use, moving from place to place, neglect and abandonment. Bits and pieces of their past come out in bursts of tears and frustration as the dust settles from each explosion. “You don’t know what we have been through Tutu, moving place to place, being left alone for FIVE days wondering where our parents are.” It’s awful and heart wrenching to hear, but I know they need to speak their truth. They just need to get to the space where they can do that without the crescendo of drama, yelling, swearing, brow furrowed, red faced, atomic emotion. It is as if each rage strips away at the real feelings underneath it all, buried deep down so that as young children they could survive. I understand what’s going on, but it is still unacceptable to get to that point. I am going to get counseling for myself to be able to cope with it all and to learn strategies to help them and me. It’s hard when things are volatile, it is so reminiscent of when their parents were in and out of our house. I don’t think they realize the roles they take on, the eldest mimicking his father, middle boy, his mother. It is easy to see how the cycle of violence perpetuates. I intend to try my best to stop it. Honestly, [I]my[/I] own survival depends on it. Hopefully the counseling will help to purge it from them and they will learn to appreciate more peaceable ways to live. Only time will tell. And lots and lots of prayers. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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