Upset, hurt feelings, angry, frustrated

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by AllStressedOut, Aug 24, 2007.

  1. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    My opinion is apparently not worthy of listening to because I'm not my difficult children biological parent. I am also apparently suspicious of all things psychiatric because I ask questions.

    My feelings are so hurt right now I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start with our referral from the neuropsychologist to a new psychiatrist. My difficult children went to the new psychiatrist last week. husband took them and I stayed home with the other 3. The new psychiatrist gave them chlonidine for sleep and a different ADHD medication for each difficult child. The neuro psychiatric hadn't submitted his opinion yet to the psychiatrist, but called the next night with results. He said at this time that he had sent them over to the new psychiatrist. So we had our follow up appointment with the neuropsychologist Tuesday. While in his office husband tells us both that when he took the kids to the psychiatrist the psychiatrist was a nervous wreck with the kids and his furniture. husband said he didn't want their feet on his leather couch it ruines the leather, he didn't want them to play with stuff on his table, it may scratch it. WHAT? So both NP and I are thinking this is odd for a psychiatrist who specializes in kids, right? Okay, so today is the follow up appointment with the psychiatrist. We arrange for dad to watch all the kids (ya'll know how well this went before) so that I could be there today. Well we get to his office and in his waiting room are 2 expensive pieces of art and an expensive table. In fact, the table actually has two notes on it saying "Do not touch" and let me describe the artwork. In one piece it looks to be a charcoal drawing about 5 ft by 3 ft. It has a skeleton in it, a woman with her hands to her head looking as if shes screaming and two odd faces in boxes staring back at her. In the next, it looks to be the chalk type stuff thats soft (sorry the name is escaping me right now) anyways, its a color picture, same size, with a woman shooting a gun and you see the smoke and the bullet and its pointing at something/someone. Okay, how appropriate is this for kids? husband didn't even notice this stuff the first time! GRRRR!

    Okay, so we get into the office and the new psychiatrist shakes my hand and I sit on his couch. He asks us how difficult children are doing and I say okay, but I'd like to look into their mood disorders. He looks at me and says "Are you their biological mother?" and I say "No." and he looks at me and says, "Well, then I'd like to hear what their biological father thinks." Then later in the conversation he says well your so suspicious and then says, well you say you're so suspicious of psychiatry and I looked at him and said "I didn't say that, you did." Then he thinks for a second and says "Oh, yes I did." He goes on, but the entire time doesn't want my input, so I shut up. husband doesn't know answers to his questions and he looks at me, but I just sat there. I whispered under my breath to husband, "He doesn't want my input, but yes, I do know the answer." husband never says a word to how this man is treating me, not one. We're coming to a close and psychiatrist actually looks at me and asks me a question about youngest difficult child. I just stared at him blankly, so he repeats the question. I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, do you want my opinion now?" and he says "Yes" so I told him what I thought.

    On top of all this, psychiatrist thinks we should be treating the ADHD symptons prior to the mood disorders because if my difficult children can't focus, then it won't help to treat the mood disorders. Of course, I tried to explain what I felt, but that was the beginning of the end. He had no tolerance of my opinion or any knowledge I could gain from online because I'm so suspicious.

    When leaving his office his secretary said "Okay, so 3 weeks" and I said "No, we won't be coming back. He's a jerk and I don't know how you work with him." She said "I'm sorry." and we left.

    Do I fill the new medications? I don't think I should if I'm not taking them back to him, wouldn't that mean they're not under a doctors care? Am I hurting my kids by not taking them to this man? Everything from him not being kid friendly to him being so disrespectful to me, feels wrong.

    The fact that husband didn't say a word, when he knew he didn't know the answers and I did, but rather than speak up and say something, he'd rather just give this guy half a** answers. The fact that I've been here for my difficult children for 4 1/2 years now, their bio moms rights are terminated, husband and I are joint managing conservators of them, I know all their medications and dosages, I know all their history, I deal with all the day to day stuff, but because I'm not blood related to them, my opinion or input is useless. I've been crying since we left. I'm so hurt and I'm so angry and all I want is for my kids to be taken care of properly.
     
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Dry those tears, kiddo. You can't see it from your position, but you deserve a pat on the back. Woo hoo! You did a good thing! Look on the bright side. You took control. You said, "No, we won't be coming back. He's a jerk and I don't know how you work with him."
    Way To Go!!!!! You rock!

    I love the description of the artwork. Aiyaiyaiiii!

    Now, once you've recovered, sit down and talk to husband. Ask him why he didn't stick up for you, because sticking up for you, is, in fact, sticking up for difficult child. You're a team. Tell him he needs to be a team player.

    How did husband react to your severing the dr's svcs?

    by the way, now you know that you should answer a question with-a question, right? So, the next time someone says, "Are you their biological mother?" you reply, "Why, did you lose all your paperwork?"

    Here's a box of tissues.
    Now go look for another psychiatrist.

    :warrior:
     
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    (((hugs)))

    You definitely don't need to deal with that.

    Personally, I wouldn't fill the new medications until you have a new psychiatrist...especially if you have concerns.

    Serious talk with husband is in order.
     
  4. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    husband new halfway through the meeting with the new psychiatrist that this was the beginning of the end. He kept looking at me and rolling his eyes, but never said a word to the man.

    I like the "Did you lose your paperwork" comment. I wish I would have thought of that. I was so taken aback by his question and implication. Later I even asked "Why are you so offended that I'm not their biological mother?" and he didn't answer. I'm not sure "offended" was the right word, but it was the only one I could get out of my mouth. I did good not to cry in his office. I wasn't going to give the man the satisfaction.

    One more thing I forgot to mention, after hearing all the fuss over the furniture I thought for sure when I sat in his office it would be brand new. It was about 20 years old, the leather was an orangish brown and the arm of the chair was faded blue from wear and tear. There were tears in the leather from age. What was so important about this stuff that my kids couldn't pull their foot under them when having a seat? GEEZ!

    I'm still shedding tears and I've run to Blockbuster to pick up some girl movies. I figure they will give me a good cry and I apparently need one. My feelings are just so hurt.

    Years ago when we first started seeking legal help to keep them safe from bio mom, we met an attorney. After speaking with her, she said, I'm sorry, I can't take your case, she's not hurting them and until she does, there isn't anything anyone can do. She then proceeds to tell me "You're not their real mother and you never will be. You need to let this go. You need to not care so much." I was so hurt and so angry with this woman. That sense of not belonging, them to me and me to them, it's the worst thought someone can stick in your head or someone can think of you as a stepparent. These two people, that attorney and this psychiatrist, are the only two people who have ever made me feel like we didn't belong to each other.
     
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    This is a definite one of those "not worth it" things. I can't tell you how many times I've had people try to devalue my image of being my daughter's mother because I adopted her basically as a single parent. Some people truly believe you aren't the mother unless the child was either shoved through your birth canal or ripped from your stomach. As someone once said, "I pity the fools." (Forget the comedian, sorry.)

    Chalk your tears up to stress, PMS, whatever but do not give that fool any validity. As to husband, he may need a good, swift kick in the shins to help him remember that you two are a team and he needs to let others know you are the Mama, not some idiot who gave birth to your kids.

    I do love that you immediately dismissed this man because he certainly lacks something in the professionalism department. A child who truly needs professional help doesn't need someone who obviously doesn't understand children or parenting. This man useless (sorry, I just refuse to give him a professional title because he isn't a professional).

    If your kids truly need medications, I'd call my former doctor and see if he recommends they take these new medications, continue on the previous or what.

    HUGS. You didn't deserve the treatment you got.
     
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh big hugs........you are such a wonderful mom~every post you write shows that. Do not let the jaded culture of our society's judgmental opinions beat you down! You are a warrior mom........for ALL of your kids!
    :warrior:
    I sent you a PM. Hang in there!
     
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You definitely didn't deserve that sort of treatment. I have to say how impressed I am on your comment to the secretary! I'm sorry husband wasn't more supportive during the appointment. The psychiatrist sounds like a a class A jerk!
     
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    These two people, that attorney and this psychiatrist, are the only two people who have ever made me feel like we didn't belong to each other.
    Don't let anyone ever make you feel that way. You can't control what people say but you can control your feelings. Those are only opinions, and you can say, "Well, that's your opinion and I disagree with-you." Obviously, these people have never adopted or blended families. They must live very hollow, shallow lives. In fact, you're the lucky one, to have so much love to give.
     
  9. Mrs Smith

    Mrs Smith New Member

    I applaud you for not getting up in the middle of the meeting and leaving - your time is worth more than that. Seems they'll give anyone a degree these days. Schmuck.
     
  10. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I was very tempted to get up and leave, but I felt like I needed to put my feelings aside so that my difficult children could be taken care of. The more this man insisted my input wasn't wanted/needed/valid and the more I thought about how he treated my boys, the more I realized it wasn't going to work out. I may not always be right where my kids are concerned, but I do feel not returning was the right decision for them. He was too high up on the pedestal he put himself on to bother himself with my kids and their needs. He is the smart one and I am the moron, how dare I speak or even think. I should know better than that to question a doctor! Hmmpppfff!
     
  11. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    ASO, are you sure he's a board-certified child psychiatrist? He sounds more like an adult psychiatrist trying (poorly) to treat kids.

    FWIW, I think you did the right thing. No doctor should treat anyone the way he treated you.
     
  12. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    OH I am just so angry on your behalf. I have been down a similiar path. Can't say the same as we all have our own but very close. The birth process does not make a mom. I was sitting here thinking no she did not have to go through that. ARghhhhhhhhhh. It is hard enough to do this but when you get people that do that it makes it harder. You did a good thing by not having them go back.

    As for husband mine is the non boat rocking type and he needs constant reminding to stand up for himself and me. Hang in there.

    Beth
     
  13. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I think you did great, I would never go back either. I wonder if husband was intimidated by the doctor, some are. Biology has nothing to do with it, if the bio parent isn't involved, they know diddly. Have your cry, talk to husband when you are more rational, and find a new psychiatrist.
     
  14. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    husband has no back bone or cahonas. Normally, if I am upset and I'm willing to show my teeth, he'll timidly stand behind me. Today though, I didn't see the point in going off on the psychiatrist, he was right, I was wrong. No arguing was going to change that. So I chose to just sit there and stare at him blankly. I guess husband was just following my lead. I still think he should have said something and now that my tears have stopped, I'm going to sit down with him and explain why this is a battle I can't take the lead on. When someone points out I'm not the bio mom, they're right. husband needs to learn that when this happens, its his job to point out what kind of mom I am. I can't do that for myself with people like this. They must be put in their place by my kids or my husband. If my kids had been there, they would have put him in his place. My oldest difficult child has told me before "I feel like you're my real mom and bio mom is my step mom." If this man only knew that, maybe he would have treated me differently. I think I'm fortunate he didn't know this, so I didn't waste anymore time on someone with such little interest in my children and their needs.
     
  15. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Just keep trying you will eventually find the right one.

    GFG1s therapist refers to me as mom and bio person as her given name. difficult child has taken to doing the same.

    I think some of these "professionals" get a little intimidated by those of us that step up to the plate.

    Beth
     
  16. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I talked to husband. I lost it crying, but we did talk. He apologized and said he didn't realize that this is how it made me feel. Like I didn't belong to the boys and they didn't belong to me. He said he thought the guy was a total a** and just didn't see the point in speaking to him. I told him that if this ever happens again, I need him to speak up for me. That I can't be the one to do it, it has to be him or the boys. He understood why it would need to be them (the boys or him) to say what I mean to them. I have a headache from all this crying and my stomach is upset. I hate how all this stuff wears on our bodies!

    Thanks everyone for listening, for all of your support and kind words. It helps so much when someone else understands or lends their cyber shoulder. I'm so grateful for you all!
     
  17. Raining

    Raining New Member

    I think about you from time to time in my everyday life (weird I know). But you sometimes help me through my day. 6 kids and half are difficult child's. I can barely handle one difficult child. So, I try to gather up strength like you do to move on. Some days it works, some days it doesn't. I admire you and all that you do for those kids. And you do a heck of a lot more than some bio moms do for their own kids. It doesnt take giving birth to be a mom just as much as it doesnt mean you are a father if all you did was donate sperm (so to speak). husband is more a dad to my difficult child than her own father is.

    Glad you arent going to that psychiatrist again. Wish I was a fly on the wall when the secretary told him what you said. Haha
     
  18. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    Raining, thank you for saying that. You made me cry again, good tears this time.

    I'm the product of a divorced family and was raised by my step dad, he is my daddy, now he and my mom are divorced and he is still my daddy. No blood relation, but I would argue with anyone who said he wasn't my dad. I hope one day my difficult children think of me the way I do of him.
     
  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Somebody further up said, 'So, the next time someone says, "Are you their biological mother?" you reply, "Why, did you lose all your paperwork?"'

    I like that but I'd take it further. You've already had two people hurt you with that ridiculous line and that is two people too many. So plan ahead - make a list of possible answers. Maybe even print the statement onto a card, cover it with contact, and each day write a new, scathing response below using white board pen. Then keep the good ones written down, and keep doing it. Make it a game.

    Some possible responses:
    "And this is relevant because...?"
    "Why, do you need a DNA sample? Are you so desperate that you need to clone patients?"
    "What do you mean 'biological?' I'm as biological as you are."

    And so on.

    difficult child 1's first pediatrician was like this - he made me feel like I was the defective one, making my child psychotic because of my 'imaginary' (in his eyes) illness. He still kept medicating difficult child 1 for the ADHD he'd diagnosed, but he kept telling me that I was the problem, I was mentally ill and I was so seriously mentally ill that I was not only in denial about it, I was even able to fool the consultant psychiatrist I'd gone to for an opinion (to shut up people like this pediatrician).
    I finally said to him, "Why do you insist on seeing me, without my son, when my son is your patient?"
    As I half-expected, he turned on me for having a dirty mind and assuming he (the doctor) had some sinister ulterior motive. But I'd been expecting it and simply replied, "I never hinted there was anything sexual about it -but you just did by accusing me now. What is wrong with you?"
    He then gentled down (patronisingly) and said, "I DID top my year in psychiatry at medication school."
    "I replied that if the psychiatrist could find nothing wrong with me, he should back off. he then accused me of being so desperately ill that I could fool a practising shrink. So I said, "Then if I fooled her, how come I didn't fool you? Do you think there is a chance this is all in your imagination?"
    He sent me away to think about it, saying, "You're an extremely intelligent woman now unable to work due to this condition you've imagined on yourself. This is your way of not having to achieve to your ability, but it also brings depression, which you are now foisting on your son." (mind you, he had just written another ritalin script for this son).

    So I wrote him a letter saying, "I find it interesting that you say you topped your year in psychiatry at medication school yet you chose to be a pediatrician instead. DId you feel that you didn't have what it takes to be a psychiatrist, and is the resulting depression from failing to achieve your life's ambition now leading you to attack the mothers of your patients?"
    I did say more, with humour, and the idiot then took my letter around and showed it to his colleagues! I made sure that there was enough humour in my letter to make it clear I did not have depression, and that he WAS an idiot.

    And, of course, we had to move on. The next pediatrician was also a child psychiatrist. And he was weird. We stayed with him for several years even though he was more than just ADHD himself, there was something seriously wrong in the personality disorder area, I think. Whatever it was - he had signs up everywhere saying, "Do things this way," or "I am no longer going to bulk bill because the Health Insurance Commission is in a conspiracy to defraud me and put me out of business."
    Despite his weirdness we would have stayed with him (he was far saner than the previous guy) but he had a full patient load and refused to treat difficult child 3 as well, and I wanted someone who would treat all the kids together.

    husband was probably intimidated by a male in a position of authority. And from your description, this bloke sounds like our second specialist, the one I just described. And I know he would have intimidated my husband as well. He intimidated me, and that's not easy to do.

    It's a bloke thing - they tend to avoid confrontations, especially with other males in a more powerful position. It's like the fight I broke up a week ago - two men shouting insults and in each other's faces (one much more so) and t hen the pushing, shoving and thumping began. I shouted at them to stop swearing in front of women and children, and to behave - and it was enough to help others finally step in and break up the fight. There were other men within earshot but none brave enough to step in until I spoke up (or shouted up). The thing is, I was able to do it BECAUSE I'm a crippled woman. A man, or even my son, could have got beaten up. But if they had tried to beat me up - what glory is there in that? Only a great deal of shame.

    I'm glad you talked to husband. Don't be too hard on him. it's much harder being male, I think. Women have more freedoms, once we learn how to reach out and insist on them.

    Marg
     
  20. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I do not think I could of sat there. I would of been so angry I would of lost it,, then walked out.
    Sure didn't sound as if psychiatrist had difficult child's best interest in mind. I would not go back. I would not fill the medications.

    Sounds like the attorney and psychiatrist belong together!! How can either even practice their profession with attitudes/thoughts like that.

    You did great!
     
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