Urgent advice needed! Please

[lovelyboy]

​

Hi all......it took a while for me to gather the courage to go on holiday to my parents...We only see them like every 4 months. Luckily we got a house to stay in opposite theirs, so not sharing one.
The problem: My mom can't stand my sons behaviour! When he gets stressed and bored he gets VERY rude! Like seeking fights with his brother, shouldering me, telling her that she cant sit infront of the car, he wants to sit there....I did get him to sit in the back....eventually.
He doesnt say please and thank you....seldom smiles, doesnt show any interest in them, exct. He wants me all to himself and he doesnt want me to go and spend any time with my parents....He will say infront of them he doesnt want her to go with to the shop, he wants me to be alone with him....
My mom says all this behaviour is because of jelousy, manipulation and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him....That all his behaviour is because we spoiled him from babyhood.....She says the stories she read on Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is where children are more withdrawn, make little eye contact, exct.....But that none of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is this irritated and rude...My son makes very good eye comtact....can even become verbally and physicly abusive!
She tried to be nice by baking him all nice cookies and really trying to be nice, but she doesnt get any positive recognition from him....She feels rejected and hurt and then my dad told me all this saddens him.....And this brakes my heart. I told her not to take all this personally, so she asks if she must just accept his rude behaviour!
I even gave him a terrible hiding and told him to behave and be less rude....He says he really will try....But I know...he cant. I even told her this is his better behaviour, she aint seen nothing yet!
What can I do!!!????
I told her then the 2 of them musnt be in contact......but I cant go there without him, because he doesnt want to be alone....and I cant take him with because then it gives her more amunition to critisize me and hurt her feelings!
Any Ideas!???
Luckily my husband will join us the last 2 days....then I can leave my son with him!

 

[busywend]

Your mom is the adult here. If she can not figure out how to not take it personally that is her problem. When you say the place across from theirs...is this across a street or across a hall?

 

[lovelyboy]

Its in a complex with 8 houses....Its less than across the street! Its only for a week!
What makes this so difficult is that I am the only child, they are very attach to me and I only see them every 4 months! But this is so very stressfull to me....how do you choose between an elderly adult and my child!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Can you offer information for your Mom to read about which will give her the correct information? Others have mentioned a book I haven't personally read, but it keeps coming up, "The explosive child." Or any book which will give an accurate picture of the symptoms your child has. And, is it possible for you to explain the position her judgements puts you in, being in the middle of two people whom you love is a terrible place to be. I am always a believer in communication, so perhaps if she understood your sons issues better and also understood how difficult this is for you, she could more readily cope and hopefully find a way to be more compassionate and understanding. If your son has a Dr. or psychiatrist, perhaps she could sit in on an appointment and the Dr. could explain the issues to her.

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm with busywend ... your mom needs to understand that the issue here is bigger than her feelings being hurt. Your son has a lifetime diagnosis and she'd better learn to deal with it. Aren't familes fun? (NOT!) So sorry you're having to deal with-this, and that she can't be supportive.

 

[HMBgal]

Your mom can decide to be part of the problem or part of solution...up to her. Her research on Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) might be a little limited and she needs to maybe dig deeper, but she has to trust you enough to believe what you are telling her and be willing to open up her mind and heart. Trust me, I KNOW how hard this is for everyone. As the Explosive Child book says (and it's become my mantra): a child will do well if they can.

And I caught a sentence about "a terrible hiding." Not sure what that means exactly. In my head it means a spanking and I know that it doesn't work for a lot of our kids (grandkids in my case), even though they can shred your last nerve. If I have the meaning completely wrong, I'm sorry...and I'm NOT judging, in any case. It sounds like you've got plenty of that going on.

One day at a time and it sounds like your visits are on the shorter side, so there's that at least. Hugs.

 

[InsaneCdn]

....how do you choose between an elderly adult and my child!​

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/urgent-advice-needed-please-50105/#ixzz24rdI10Mz​

We had to make that choice - and chose our kids over our parents. husband is virtually an only child - and we haven't seen his parents, as a family, in over 2 years. We just can't make it work, and will not allow them to destroy difficult child (they try with almost-easy child, too...)

But... that is an extreme position to have to take, and I wish we had a way around it.

Culture complicates it... here, on some level, we are "allowed" to make that choice, but not all cultures are that way.

 

[BusynMember]

You need to see your mom less often. Once every four months is too much if she can't act like an adult here. She doesn't sound like a very nice or understanding person. If necessary, only see her, if you like, when you can go alone and if that's once every five years, it was her decision. He's five and she should get it by now.

The terrible hiding bothered me too. It reminds me of a beating with a belt. You shouldn't allow your mom to get you so riled up you hit your son, even if it was just a spanking.

I would choose my child every time if I had to choose between any adult, elderly or not, or my child. The older you are, the more wisdom you are supposed to have. A child is still defenseless.

 

[lovelyboy]

Thanx for your support!
Yes, I feel very bad about the hiding...I gave him a spanking on the bum with my hands! I just couldnt take the spitting at me and telling me he is going to kill me anymore!!!!
I tried giving her some books and info....nothing helps, because she doesnt agree that there is anything mentally or neurologicly wrong with him! But strange enough she mentioned twice during our arguments that "its not normal for any child to behave so rudely like he does"! Like I told her...I am long gone pass that stage where I care what causes his behaviour...I just want to help him!
Spoke to hubby over the phone tonight...he suggested I need to spend some quility time alone with our son....this ussually makes him feel emotionaly save and improves his behaviour! Maybe I must try that tomorrow....Agh, this is so tiredsome!
Thanx that I can talk to you about this!!!!

 

[TerryJ2]

Lovelyboy, did the spanking work? Every now and then, if it works, fine. But if you do it too often, just like anything else, it won't work any more. My son used to taunt me with, "THAT didn't even HURT!" and in fact, I hurt my wrist and he didn't feel a thing. It was a challenge to him. That's when I told him that making it hurt wasn't the point; the point was that I am the mom and he is the kid, and I am in charge. That's when I learned that Time Outs, or taking away game time were more effective.

 

[lovelyboy]

No Terry....in the long run it ussually doesnt change anything....Just makes me and him feel awfull and resentfull!
At home we use all the other ways of dicipline, but here during the holiday there is nothing to take away....and usually it results in meltdowns first....and I dont think this situation will be able to handle it at the moment! Aghh.....

 

[allhaileris]

I don't see my parents very often, maybe once a year because it's just better like that. And a holiday with them, no way. Plus every time I go back to LA I remind myself why I moved. Horrible people everywhere, smog, traffic, etc.

And the spanking thing, your child was spitting at you and threatening you, so you hurt him physically. Why not give him a hug instead? He's crying for your attention and you're pushing him away. My daughter gets jealous if I do things out of the house without her, spend too much time with a houseguest or the such. But I'd never punish her for that. She's a kid, an only child with no real friends, she can't just tell me "hey, I'm lonely and I miss you", instead she acts up. If I take some time to really pay attention to her during those times, and then back it up with what I need to do, it's easier on her.

I'd guess that your mom did something, or treated him in a way that makes him not like her. What was that? Maybe if she took more time to spend one on one with him, that would help? Sometimes when kids are treated like the bad kid, they'll be the bad kid.

And I assume you know by now what the triggers are for causing meltdowns? I know my child's and try to steer her away from them when I can see that coming. If that means she needs alone time while the family is eating dinner, then so be it. If that means giving in to an extra whatever that you wouldn't normally allow, then do it, you're on vacation. Do you offer him rewards for a good day? I hear punishments, but not rewards.

 

[lovelyboy]

I know the spanking was so very wrong! I feel bad about it!
Yes, my son is really seeking my attention! He tells me he wants to spend time with me!
He was so depressed tonight, because he realizes his behaviour is causing all the stress, fighting and sadness between me and my parents! This situation is just not working out! It is so damaging!
Allhaileris, yes in the past my mom hurt my son emotionally by ignoring him and pushing him away emotionally!
My mom really tries to be the good grandparent now by baking him his faviourite treets exct.....She wants a thank you and appreciation....but my son cant build that kind of reciprocity relationship! He shows very little affect and is highly irritible most of the time.....She takes this personally.....Tonight she carried on again that all of my sons behaviour is our fault because we allowed him to much when he was little....So not true! I told her that talking about the kids is off limits now and that if she wants a relationship with them its up to her....That I cant and wont take responsibility for their behaviour or relationship!

 

[buddy]

OH this is so tough. I now how desperate it can become when you are away from where you use your typical methods to calm your child. It really puts you in a stressful place where you might make a bad choice so now that you know it can rise to that level you have some hard decisions to make. We all make mistakes. What you do from now on is the ticket.

I agree you need to present your mom with more accurate information. There are some books about Aspergers that may be much better, especially those that suggest how to discipline and show the perspective of the child on the spectrum. It is so important that you not put yourself in those situations there have been times we have taken time outs from going on family events. My dad has never ever taken care of my son but has had all of the other kids stay over at his house. I have shared with my family about not taking things personally but we know in our hearts that is even hard for us some days. I am sorry, but until your mom understands you may have to explain to her that for now you and your therapists (lol, us...kidding) are working on some specific methods to help difficult child calm down and control his behaviors and also to learn social skills so he is unable to be in situations where he is routine is not very consistent. That means you may not be able to come to visit with him for a while but of course talking on the phone and any other support is really welcomed. I dont know if that might work but what you went through ends up eating our kids' self esteem away. It is not worth it. Grandma will recover when she finally understands but even if she doesn't, in the end, our responsibility is to our kids. We have but one chance to do it right. HUGE hugs to you..... you are a dear.

 

[lovelyboy]

Thanx Buddy
It wont help to give my mom any books, because she has already made up her mind that there is nothing wrong with my son, medicly! I was thinking of giving her info on conduct disorder,but that will only give her more reason to put the blame on us as parents!?
I like the idea of telling her that he is in therapy to learn better social skills! LOL, coming to think of it, isnt that indirectly exactly what we do for kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)!?
Yes...I am braking my sons self esteem, letting him know that his poor behaviour is the cause of this whole problem!!!!
I need to make this right! I will work on ways of externalizing the "problem" and that we will find a way of making it better together! The other thing I realized last night....I FORGOT TO GIVE HIS PILL yesterday....maybe that could have pushed his anxiety and irritibility ferther through the roof! BAD, bad mom!!!!!
I will really try and stay ccc today...cool, calm and collected!

 

[InsaneCdn]

One difficult child plus missing medications? Ummm... automatic recipe for disaster. Of course, your mom won't believe that either.

One difficult child already out of sorts, off schedule, away from routine, PLUS missing medications? Ya think it might be part of the problem? <wink>