Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Feb 10, 2011.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    A few weeks ago, Kanga said she was "picked" to go on a 4-day trip; out of state to an indoor amusement park, shopping, hotel, etc. Ironic timing being what it is, I got the permission slip in the mail today. Umm...NOT. I called to 'decline' the invitation. The staff person immediately started telling me how well they would supervise her. I stopped her immidiately and told her while it was nothing personal, that I have been repeatedly assured by Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff that she will be well supervised and DESPITE BEING ON A PROTECTION PLAN, she continues to find time to be alone with boys while on campus. That it was just too much to ask me to trust that they could manage to stay eyes on supervision in a large, chaotic amusement park if they were unable to do it on their heavily staffed campus.

    This staff person was shocked that I didn't want this opportunity for Kanga. Um, Kanga had that life (out of state vacations, etc). She chose to not be a part of it. Her choices mean that she will likely never lead a middle-class lifestyle with all of the travel and fun that it entails.

    We had the treatment team call and they agreed to our suggestion for consequences (no more co-ed sports team, enhanced supervision in all co-ed areas, special safety plan for prom). But it really bothered me that they did not seem as concerned as we are.

    The case manager said that 'this is mostly normal behavior, the part that concerns them is that the boy is only 12.' Umm...NOT. I have worked with teenage girls for 20+ years. I know what is normal. Liking boys and wanting a boyfriend -- normal. Having sex on the floor at work with a guy you met that month -- not normal. Liking girls and wanting a girlfriend -- less common, still normal. Having sex with a girl in the shower at school -- not normal. High school girls liking high schol boys -- normal. High school girls persuing pre-pubesent 6th graders -- not normal.

    I have a message into our funding case worker. I'm thinking we need to look elsewhere for placement for next year.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah...I think you have it straight. How on earth do they think they can keep her leashed to them constantly in that kind of environment? Are they going to handcuff her to a staff member? Thats the only way I can see that they could supervise her adequately. Otherwise the minute someone turns their back to speak to someone else, she is going to disappear in a NY minute.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I'm starting to wonder if some of these people are kin to an ostrich! OK - you do not live with her, but you know. They are THERE - how can they NOT KNOW?

  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Janet -- sadly, they are not allowed to use handcuffs but knowing Kanga, she'd charm her way out of them anyways ;)

    Step -- I think their definition of "normal" has been skewed by too many years surrounded by impaired-reality kids.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Kanga listened for the 45 seconds it took for me to tell her the decision on her punishment. Then she went off on a profanity filled rant. Staff interrupted and said that they would call back later. Kanga declared they would not because she's not speaking with me ever again. (oh, darn).
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Hugs, sweetie... Sigh...
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I think this is wrong. Staff seems to be making it clear that YOU are the bad guy. They want to take her to an amusement park. They are going to let her move to a group home. They support her dreams of emancipation.

    And they leave it to you to say 'No' ?

    How come they are not being the "enforcers" ?
  8. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I agree with- Daisyface - it is time for staff to start explaining the consequences to her. If they don't, she is going to continue under the delusion that you are Big Bad Mommy and no one else in the world would hold her to such "extreme" standards. She will be in for a rude awakening when someone else finally does hold her to the same standards, especially if it's outside the residential setting.

    I have to wonder if part of the reason they're not disturbed by Kanga's behaviors is because she's a girl. Would they have this same laissez-faire attitude if she were a boy? It's sexist, I know, but I honestly think that that is part of the problem, and I think you need to ask them that question, just to get them to join you in reality. I had extensive discussions with- them on this very subject the last time I looked at their program for thank you, given his past history. I definitely came away feeling confident that they would have kept a tight rein on him - 24/7 eyes *on*, no exceptions. It is a matter of safety, period.

    In addition, I think you are absolutely right on in that they've been dealing with- sexualized behaviors for so long, staff has lost sight of what is "normal". And of course, every once in a while you run into the lunatic who thinks sexualized behavior is no big deal - will never forget the therapist we had for about 30 seconds (not in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) who reamed me because I felt that oral sex between 12 y/o's was completely inappropriate. She called it "experimentation". Barf.

    Totally appropriate that she not be taken off grounds for an overnight. I can't believe they even questioned your decision. Maybe they need to be reminded that they are assuming a huge liability by even suggesting it for a resident who they *know* engages in SACY behaviors.

    I always had to literally bite my tongue every time thank you swore he'd never speak to me again. It was so hard to keep myself from asking him.... "Promise???" :rofl: Sorry, just a bit of dark humor there... I'm beyond warped at this point.
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    That is a very good question. The last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would NEVER have had me tell her. This Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has too many wards in it. Nothing wrong with wards but the mindset of staff is different. They give the kids so much -- outstanding for wards who may literally have shown up with the clothes on their backs. I found out today that Kanga will be bought a dress for the prom in May. Why??? Cause they do it for all of the girls. It doesn't matter that she has several appropriate dresses at home.

    I do not think this place is a good match for our family. Hopefully our funding worker can find us some options for fall.
  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    You're right JJJ. It is NOT mostly normal behavior. She needs a new case manager who is firmly grounded in reality.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Sue -- They love to promise 24/7 but clearly those boys weren't being supervised very well either.
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Actions speak louder... I think you are smart to be considering a different facility. But how hard is that to find and arrange?
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree that a different place my be a good idea. I'm stunned they think taking her on this trip would be a good thing.
  14. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Is she currently in state where you are? If you're not averse to an out-of-state placement, I've heard Utah has very strict rules for their Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s -- a friend had to recently commit her 13you daughter because of cutting issues and there were NONE in our state that offered a lockdown environment. She had to go to Utah (St. George) to find a facility that could adequately deal with her daughter's issues.
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Kanga is currently in state and our funding source will not play for an out-of-state placement unless she meets certain criteria (which she doesn't). I'm not sure how hard it will be to find and be accepted to a new placement. The last move was very easy so I'd expect all sorts of trouble with this one ;)

    Funding worker is out until Monday.
  16. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    The rate she's going you might wish to make clear to staff that when (not if) she incurs statutory rape charges on herself that THEY will be held responsible.
  17. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Just spent 25 minutes repeating the same 3 sentences to Kanga.

    "You are the only one who can make your choices. All choices have consequences. Good choices have good consequences and bad choices have bad consequences."

    In that 25 minutes it was my fault because I:
    1. adopted her
    2. refuse to emancipate her
    3. am too perfect
    4. keep bringing up the past (as in last Sunday)
    5. don't interupt her swearing tirades to tell her I love her before she slams the phone down
    6. don't understand that all teenagers are hypersexual sluts

    it was her siblings fault because
    1. they are too perfect
    2. they live at home
    3. they got mad about her making repeated false allegations about them

    Her new plan is to:
    1. kill herself
    2. go awol
    3. get kidnapped while awol
    4. get murdered while awol
    5. start making out with strange men when her cottage is in the community (because since we have limited her contact with the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) boys, she has to make out with someone)

    husband said that I sounded very calm and rational and he could tell from my side of the conversation how her side was going. She was on speaker phone with a staff next to her so it'll be interesting to hear how it was processed with her.

    It reminded me of trying to talk to my drunk roommare in college -- nothing making sense, words all jumbled up, repeating things, saying something and then immediately denying it.

  18. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with you that they are not taking their position of being her caretakers responsibly. You shouldnt have to be the heavy in this at all. Her behaviors should dictate the consequences and they should impose them without even putting you in the equation. A basic to do get theory. She isnt doing, she cant get. They certainly shouldnt promise her anything without getting your approval beforehand and if you dont approve it, then she should be told that HER behaviors dictate that she isnt ready for this privilege, not that you are saying no. After all, it is her behaviors that are keeping her from being able to do things.
  20. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I still have nightmares about those days! UHG! shutter You have my sympathy. And also my admiration! It's not easy to stay calm and stick to script under that situation.