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VENT!! I asked about 6 YO difficult child and cops, I got cops Wed AM
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 201920" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You sound like you handled it very well. But some things just don't work well no matter how well you do your bit.</p><p></p><p>School avoidance - definitely. It's not always related to separation anxiety, either - difficult child 3 loved to be at school for the sake of learning, he also said he liked everyone there (he liked everybody, even the bullies - they would always quickly declare, "difficult child 3, I'm your friend," just as he was about to tell teachers what had been happening).</p><p></p><p>The bus driver's documentation should be very useful.</p><p></p><p>If the school has other kids with school avoidance behaviour problems, then maybe there is something about the school that is the issue here. Of course, that would be on top of other factors; but you would expect the school to handle things in a more productive way. The principal sounds great; the school counsellor sounds like an idiot. I think it could come down to a poor response once it gets to the problem stage (ie the school counsellor and the officer both being ineffectual). There could be other factors before it gets to that stage - maybe a class teacher, or an attitude pervading the staffroom? Again, we have that at our local school, one particularly strong-willed teacher imposes her methods and rules on other staff. Do not allow therapists to observe in the classroom. All children must be treated equally - no special treatment or mollycoddling for alleged 'special needs' kids. You get the picture.</p><p></p><p>A classmate of difficult child 3's at his special needs drama class is a kid with major truancy problems. She had some unidentified health problems that resulted in her sleeping through the day. She could not be roused. When the truancy officers turned up, the mother invited them in to see how she tried to wake the girl. "If you can get her up, awake and dressed, then I will give you a medal," the mother said.</p><p>They tried - they even put the girl fully clothed into the previous night's now-cold bath. She didn't rouse. They finally did sleep studies and found the girl had such severe sleep apnoea she was in danger of dying whenever she slept. She's had to have corrective surgery and now has a lot of ground to make up.</p><p></p><p>What that mother demonstrated and what you have demonstrated (to the bus driver) is that YOU are doing all you can. You are doing your part.</p><p></p><p>You can't continue to be expected to use force. It not only has limited application, it rapidly stops working. It only makes the underlying problems worse.</p><p></p><p>He needs to be able to explain why he has a problem. He may not be able to explain well. The school SHOULD have some idea of any issues at school, how he's being treated, etc. If you can, see if you will be permitted to observe him in the classroom. Maybe you could do some volunteer assistance in the classroom an hour a week, for example (Interesting - our local school discouraged this. The school we transferred difficult child 3 to ASKED parents to volunteer and be present. Big difference). You may notice things in your observation, that tip you off to what t he problem could be. Or you might observe that they have a way of getting results form him, that you could try at home. </p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 gets very anxious. Once he learned that I wouldn't force him to confront his anxiety if I said I wasn't going to, he was able to relax a bit. For example, your son and photos - when you say (such as at the zoo) that you want a photo in case of something, he cooperates. At home - he feels safe. But somehow at school it bothers him. I do wonder why - have other kids been teasing him publicly about how he looks in photos? Or has he observed other kids being teased about their photos?</p><p></p><p>If he is given the choice, some degree of control, over the use of his image (and surely this is a right?) then maybe he will feel less anxious once he knows his choice is being respected.</p><p></p><p>I've had similar issues to you, with the school over-riding my requests on things like class photos. I have long disliked te way it's used as a fundraiser here. I've also intensely loathed the way our local school does other fundraisers - I felt my kid was being manipulated badly, just to make a buck for the school. I offered to donate cash in exchange for them leaving my kid out of it; no dice. Always, SOMEONE would interfere, lend my son money to buy a Mothers Day gift (which I didn't want, and which I had previously been asked to donate). My son would generally be directed to the 10c rubbish and expected to pay $5. In vain did I send notes to school saying, "Do not involve him."</p><p></p><p>These issues seemed non-issues to the school. If they were asked what could be upsetting my child, they would never have considered the fundraisers to be connected. For us, the school photos were similarly bad - failure to send in the money and a signed acceptance form would have a staff member filling it in instead, then coming after me for the money. But the money wasn't the issue so much as "Please leave my child out of it." He hated how he looked. One year I had just had to give difficult child 3 a very short crewcut (the closest buzz cut I could, with our clippers) because he had picked up, at school, several hundred grass ticks, most of them in his scalp and his scrotum. The short hair was needed so we could find them all and remove them. The class photo was a week later. Again, we couldn't get out of it. He looked dreadful.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 is now 14. He looks a lot better. He really is a good-looking kid. He lets us take his photo but really hates it when people tell him he looks like Harry Potter. The trouble is, he DOES! However, now he's less anxious he accepts this a lot better. We met new people at the playground near our house yesterday and the woman exclaimed, "He looks like... can't think... that kid..."</p><p>"Harry Potter," I helped her out.</p><p>"YES!"</p><p>difficult child 3 just grinned wryly and walked away.</p><p></p><p>Interestingly, husband still hates having his photo taken.</p><p></p><p>A strong suggestion for the days when he is home from school for whatever reason - keep him occupied with schoolwork. Being home from school shouldn't be a reward in any way. I felt cruel at times but found things generally went much better if I made difficult child 3 do schoolwork even if he had a fever. The only way out was to go to bed and sleep (which he will only do if he's really ill). I would start difficult child 3 with any outstanding homework. Then any old worksheets I could find. I made sure they were handed in to his class teacher on completion. But I also noted how much faster he worked at home - so I went out and bought resources to give him to work on when he didn't have enough from the school. Computer-based learning was good. </p><p></p><p>That way, he was getting as little positive pay-off as possible from staying home - if he didn't want to work at home for me, then he could always change his mind and go to school to work for his teacher. Funny - he never chose to do that.</p><p></p><p>Similarly, if he was sent home from school then again, we got straight on to schoolwork. Even if he was sent home because he was vomiting (an increasingly frequent occurrence).</p><p></p><p>My aim was to prevent him being rewarded for wanting to stay home. But the eventual outcome - he caught up with a lot of missed work and when we finally switched to him schooling by correspondence, working at home, he was already in a good work practice.</p><p></p><p>Mind you, I never wanted to home-school to begin with. Plus we were always denied permission, threatened with legal challenge from Special Education staff if we tried without permission.</p><p></p><p>It worked out.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with the books - I hope you feel vindicated as you begin to read. You've been working along the right tracks, but there are a few more tools you will find and hopefully enjoy.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 201920, member: 1991"] You sound like you handled it very well. But some things just don't work well no matter how well you do your bit. School avoidance - definitely. It's not always related to separation anxiety, either - difficult child 3 loved to be at school for the sake of learning, he also said he liked everyone there (he liked everybody, even the bullies - they would always quickly declare, "difficult child 3, I'm your friend," just as he was about to tell teachers what had been happening). The bus driver's documentation should be very useful. If the school has other kids with school avoidance behaviour problems, then maybe there is something about the school that is the issue here. Of course, that would be on top of other factors; but you would expect the school to handle things in a more productive way. The principal sounds great; the school counsellor sounds like an idiot. I think it could come down to a poor response once it gets to the problem stage (ie the school counsellor and the officer both being ineffectual). There could be other factors before it gets to that stage - maybe a class teacher, or an attitude pervading the staffroom? Again, we have that at our local school, one particularly strong-willed teacher imposes her methods and rules on other staff. Do not allow therapists to observe in the classroom. All children must be treated equally - no special treatment or mollycoddling for alleged 'special needs' kids. You get the picture. A classmate of difficult child 3's at his special needs drama class is a kid with major truancy problems. She had some unidentified health problems that resulted in her sleeping through the day. She could not be roused. When the truancy officers turned up, the mother invited them in to see how she tried to wake the girl. "If you can get her up, awake and dressed, then I will give you a medal," the mother said. They tried - they even put the girl fully clothed into the previous night's now-cold bath. She didn't rouse. They finally did sleep studies and found the girl had such severe sleep apnoea she was in danger of dying whenever she slept. She's had to have corrective surgery and now has a lot of ground to make up. What that mother demonstrated and what you have demonstrated (to the bus driver) is that YOU are doing all you can. You are doing your part. You can't continue to be expected to use force. It not only has limited application, it rapidly stops working. It only makes the underlying problems worse. He needs to be able to explain why he has a problem. He may not be able to explain well. The school SHOULD have some idea of any issues at school, how he's being treated, etc. If you can, see if you will be permitted to observe him in the classroom. Maybe you could do some volunteer assistance in the classroom an hour a week, for example (Interesting - our local school discouraged this. The school we transferred difficult child 3 to ASKED parents to volunteer and be present. Big difference). You may notice things in your observation, that tip you off to what t he problem could be. Or you might observe that they have a way of getting results form him, that you could try at home. difficult child 3 gets very anxious. Once he learned that I wouldn't force him to confront his anxiety if I said I wasn't going to, he was able to relax a bit. For example, your son and photos - when you say (such as at the zoo) that you want a photo in case of something, he cooperates. At home - he feels safe. But somehow at school it bothers him. I do wonder why - have other kids been teasing him publicly about how he looks in photos? Or has he observed other kids being teased about their photos? If he is given the choice, some degree of control, over the use of his image (and surely this is a right?) then maybe he will feel less anxious once he knows his choice is being respected. I've had similar issues to you, with the school over-riding my requests on things like class photos. I have long disliked te way it's used as a fundraiser here. I've also intensely loathed the way our local school does other fundraisers - I felt my kid was being manipulated badly, just to make a buck for the school. I offered to donate cash in exchange for them leaving my kid out of it; no dice. Always, SOMEONE would interfere, lend my son money to buy a Mothers Day gift (which I didn't want, and which I had previously been asked to donate). My son would generally be directed to the 10c rubbish and expected to pay $5. In vain did I send notes to school saying, "Do not involve him." These issues seemed non-issues to the school. If they were asked what could be upsetting my child, they would never have considered the fundraisers to be connected. For us, the school photos were similarly bad - failure to send in the money and a signed acceptance form would have a staff member filling it in instead, then coming after me for the money. But the money wasn't the issue so much as "Please leave my child out of it." He hated how he looked. One year I had just had to give difficult child 3 a very short crewcut (the closest buzz cut I could, with our clippers) because he had picked up, at school, several hundred grass ticks, most of them in his scalp and his scrotum. The short hair was needed so we could find them all and remove them. The class photo was a week later. Again, we couldn't get out of it. He looked dreadful. difficult child 3 is now 14. He looks a lot better. He really is a good-looking kid. He lets us take his photo but really hates it when people tell him he looks like Harry Potter. The trouble is, he DOES! However, now he's less anxious he accepts this a lot better. We met new people at the playground near our house yesterday and the woman exclaimed, "He looks like... can't think... that kid..." "Harry Potter," I helped her out. "YES!" difficult child 3 just grinned wryly and walked away. Interestingly, husband still hates having his photo taken. A strong suggestion for the days when he is home from school for whatever reason - keep him occupied with schoolwork. Being home from school shouldn't be a reward in any way. I felt cruel at times but found things generally went much better if I made difficult child 3 do schoolwork even if he had a fever. The only way out was to go to bed and sleep (which he will only do if he's really ill). I would start difficult child 3 with any outstanding homework. Then any old worksheets I could find. I made sure they were handed in to his class teacher on completion. But I also noted how much faster he worked at home - so I went out and bought resources to give him to work on when he didn't have enough from the school. Computer-based learning was good. That way, he was getting as little positive pay-off as possible from staying home - if he didn't want to work at home for me, then he could always change his mind and go to school to work for his teacher. Funny - he never chose to do that. Similarly, if he was sent home from school then again, we got straight on to schoolwork. Even if he was sent home because he was vomiting (an increasingly frequent occurrence). My aim was to prevent him being rewarded for wanting to stay home. But the eventual outcome - he caught up with a lot of missed work and when we finally switched to him schooling by correspondence, working at home, he was already in a good work practice. Mind you, I never wanted to home-school to begin with. Plus we were always denied permission, threatened with legal challenge from Special Education staff if we tried without permission. It worked out. Good luck with the books - I hope you feel vindicated as you begin to read. You've been working along the right tracks, but there are a few more tools you will find and hopefully enjoy. Marg [/QUOTE]
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VENT!! I asked about 6 YO difficult child and cops, I got cops Wed AM
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