VENT mother in law not doing so well, pt 2

[mstang67chic]

You know...the longer I sit and think about all of this the more angry I get. husband is the second of four. He has an older brother D, a younger brother S and his baby sister Di. He and his sister are the ones that do 99.9% of things for mother in law. S was, a few years ago, helping out with mother in law's grocery shopping. husband is control over everything so he would sign a check, give it and the list to S and S would go get the things on the list. Only problems were that S only did this occasionally and when he DID do it, the receipt would mysteriously come up missing and the amount of groceries in mother in law's frig and cupboards would be far less than what S said he spent.

mother in law has been in the hospital for close to two weeks now. D has been up to the hospital a total of ...ummmm...let me think.......ZERO times. We (husband and I) and Di live in a town that is about 20 miles from the town in which the hospital is. All told, from our house it takes about 40 minutes to get to the hospital. S lives a couple of hours away and D.....D lives in the very same freaking town as the hospital but has yet to go. I understand not wanting to see a loved one hooked up to stuff, I do...but I don't think that's the reason, especially based on past history. He would rather sit there in his own little world and let everyone else take care of stuff he should be involved in. There are two other siblings besides husband and Di but they are either more than happy to let those two run themselves ragged doing things or don't care to help and I'm ticked.

Years ago when their grandfather (with whom mother in law lived) died and they knew they would have to take care of their mother, they ALL had a family meeting. They made husband guardian, said each of them would do this, this and this, made all of these decisions and (this one is my favorite) S declared that I was not to be permitted to do anything or have any power. First of all, I WOULDN'T have power and second...why should I? She's not my mother and she has the FOUR of them.

Uh huh....THAT worked out well. I think I've done more behind the scenes things for mother in law or husband on her behalf, than the two brothers have done in front of the scenes so to speak.

It just really burns me that it's husband that they all turn to. Mom sick? husband will handle it. Mom need this done? husband will handle it. My marriage falling apart? husband will tell me what to do. Going into bankruptcy? husband will help. (Or I can borow money from mom behind husband's back) He gets mad and frustrated with them also but they are his family and while he may blow up at them, he keeps taking it. Drives me insane. They walk all over him, he KNOWS it but doesn't truly do anything to change it. And of course, the minute I say anything, I'm the female dog in their eyes. Although...I told husband and Di that I've made a decision. I said that I was going to play the female dog card and when the time came to clean out mother in law's apartment, husband and Di will be the ONLY ones to decide who gets what. Period. THEY are the ones who do everything and THEY should be the ones to have first choice on the little bit that is there. I really don't care what the rest of them say or think about me...I have the card to play and I'm playing it. They can deal with it or not...their choice. To be honest, there is next to nothing in the apartment but it's the point, Know what I mean??

I'm just as bad as husband though. I get mad, don't say anything and then go off (not to them though) when it builds up or something big like this happens. So....thanks for listening to one of my semi-annual rants about the in-laws!

 

[mstang67chic]

Miracles of miracles.....D and his wife went to the hospital! husband got ahold of him FINALLY. (We had both been trying to call before husband left for work and didn't get an answer on his cell or house phone). I briefly talked to D's wife on Facebook before they left and told her that husband could use some support with the decisions as the stress was starting to get to him. Wonder if she realized that was me being nice instead of telling her that her husband needs to pull his head out of his...erm....well, the dark.

 

[susiestar]

You may want to be quiet about this until the time comes. Otherwise they may take advantage now and take what they want while she is sick. It would be a nasty surprise when she comes home, but it would not stop them if they thought she was not coming home or they really wanted something. Conversely, make husband the one to have the keys, or husband and Di, but be SURE that the others do not EVER have keys even if you have to pay to change her locks. Sounds like they WOULD clean out the house with-o telling anyone.

My uncles ex did this to her mother. her mom lived with her sis and they were moving from sis's house to mom's house because it was easier for mom to get around in. Ex had the POA over financial things and used it to change the locks and have the sheriff throw sister and mom off the property. legally she COULD do this. Ex had, un diagnosis'd, cancer that spread to her brain, but it was still very traumatic and UGLY. It took an emergency court hearing to get mom allowed into the house that she OWNED and ex removed from POA.

So be aware that even loving family can do really strange and MEAN things when it comes to this stuff.

I am sorry you have to endure this, but hopefully mother in law is unaware that half of her kids are jerks to her and each other.

 

[mstang67chic]

mother in law lives in a small apartment in a senior citizen complex. She has a set of keys in her purse which is in a hospital belonging bag in my bedroom. husband has a set of keys which I currently have as I started cleaning her place. (she apparently has been unable to do much for a while as the apartment is in appalling shape). Di has a set that she thinks are hanging on a peg in her apartment. D and S have no keys and no authority to do anything regarding the apartment and the complex knows this.

When I said there was very little in the apartment, I wasn't kidding. There is a couch, a day bed, a twin bed frame, a couple of lamps, dresser, very hand me down, old coffee table and mis-matched end tables one of which is being used as a microwave stand and one is a tv stand, a small table with 4 chairs, her tv, a boom box and her kitchen things including a small microwave. That's it. All of the furniture aside from the table and chairs were bought used when mother in law moved up here.

Honestly, she isn't coming home in my opinion. The only way I can see it happening is if there is a gap of a couple of days between her release from the hospital and a bed at a nursing home being ready for her. That's it. She just can't live on her own anymore. The cleaning I'm doing at her apartment is just that...cleaning. I'm not packing anything up and all I've thrown away is old food and a pan that just needed tossed. The place just needs a very good cleaning and I've been wanting to do it for a long time. You just can't do it with mother in law there and she doesn't leave the apartment unless you can get her to go to a doctor's appointment. When it does come time to pack things up though....it will more than likely be some combination of husband, Di and myself depending on the time frame and respective schedules. If anyone else tries to butt in, as I said, I have no problem playing the card.

 

[KTMom91]

I feel for you guys, I really do. My Nana died in 1993. Because we lived about 45 min away, and my uncle (Mom's brother) lived in LA, my mom did everything for my Nana. After her death, even before the funeral, my uncle appeared with a U-Haul and began making sure he got "his half" of things. We're trying to clean, call officials, plan a funeral, and he wants to take half of a set of sherbet cups...so I'm fighting with him, because my mom is not confrontational, my cousin is trying to reason with him...it was an awful three days.

The end result is that my uncle has not spoken to my mom since then. We haven't seen them or had more than minimal contact in all that time. My aunt died last week of brain cancer, and my mom didn't know until about a month ago that she was even ill. I'm so glad my cousin let Mom know.