Vent: My sister who always calls the police on me

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Feb 19, 2007.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, I admit this is a vent. I dont visit the Watercooler too much, but this will be therapy for me. I have a sister who is six years younger than me. I loved her very much and tried to help her when she was younger and our mom just got divorced and was out partying around. She would leave my sister alone, even at holidays when she was home from college (which my sister paid for). My sister had rough times. She got pregnant in college and had an abortion. I couldn't have stopped her, but she didn't tell me until afterwards and she had gone to a mill. She met a guy, got engaged, and the short story is that he had herpes, didn't tell her, and she developed a rash. So her fiance had lied to her and she thought SHE could have herpes too. I went out of my way to find a good, sensitive doctor and she went and eventually I tried to help her with her fiance's betrayal. She didn't have herpes. She was pregnant. Again. She decided to stay with the man who had risked giving her herpes (she's still with him) but they aborted the child because "we don't have enough money." Actually, they DID. He was a stockbroker and they lived in a pretty nice townhome and certainly had a higher lifestyle than many people. I was horrified, and offered to take the baby, but there again was no way to stop her, so I made sure she went to a good doctor this time. Fast forward. I've always had problems with my mother. I had many problems growing up--I talked about them here--and had serious panic attacks, depression, suicidal feelings and wasn't always the best behaved when unstable and my mother thought I was a "bad person." In her words--"manipulative and selfish." She even spun my adoptions into being selfish. My sister bonded with my mom, and one day my sister called me and said I could never speak to her again. She wouldn't tell me why. Every time I called to find out, she hung up. I loved my baby sister and wanted to know what I'd done, but she wouldn't tell me so I went to her house. I yelled through the door that I wouldnt go away until she told me. She called the police. Ok, I can understand that (sort of). I was where I shouldn't be--she didn't want me there--it's her house. I also got so mad that I took off my tennis shoe, wrote a nasty word on it and threw it at her door. And, at that point, I guess it was valid that she called the cops, although she knows I wouldn't have hurt her, that I just wanted to know why she was angry at me. She wouldn't speak to me for three years. One day she wrote me a letter saying she'll talk to me again. She wouldn't, however, talk about what had happened. It took forever for me to find out why she was mad. She'd been mad because I'd told my mother some of the things she'd done--the abortions, using cocaine, etc. She thought I told my mom because I wanted to turn mother against her. I was in my twenties when I told her and quite unstable. I still shouldn't have told her. I apologized a million times. It didn't make my mother turn on her and my goal wasn't to make my mother turn on her. It was mostly to make my mother see what her totally ignoring my sister in favor of her own boyfriend had done to my sister, but my sister wouldn't listen to me. We took up our relationship again. Every so often we would have spats. She would call the cops. She started using the cops as a way to get back at me. She has called the cops on me at least ten times. It is usually because I call her when she doesn't want me to, but I never know what will trigger it. The last time she called the cops, a few weeks ago, it was because I called to tell her I needed an MRI. A very puzzled cop ran into me at our small town Credit Union. He knows me and sounded apologetic when he said, "Your sister called." I was shocked. He said she was mad that I called to tell her about the MRI. He didn't understand her reason for calling him. Neither did I. I decided not to speak to her again. She doesn't handle disagreements (and this time I don't even know what her problem was) in a normal way--she calls the cops. Three months later she e-mailed me to ask if I'd like to talk about American Idol. For the first time ever, I said no, I didn't want to talk to her again. I couldn't go into more detail because she will delete e-mails therefore cutting off communication. She, however, expects me to read her e-mails. I glanced at once where she said she called the cops because I "played the brain tumor card." My mother had died of brain cancer. I'm not even sure what she's talking about or why that necessitated a call to the cops (and, trust me, the cop doesn't know either). I am refusing to talk to her again. I don't like that she calls the cops for everything. On top of that, my mother hated me and disinherited me. My sister thinks my mother was a great person, and that she can see why she wouldn't see me for ten years, ignored all my cards and letters trying to make peace with her, and, in the end, disinherited me. I didn't want my mother's money, if she even had any. I just wanted her, in the end, to acknowledge that she had another daughter, but she didn't. It hurts. When my sister said, "I think mother was a forgiving person," it really bothered me, so i said we needed a few days off from one another. Then I called her a few days later about the MRI and that's when she called the police. I'm not sure what I posted this for other than as a vent. I never intend on speaking to her again. Enough is enough. Other people go through tough times and work it out, but if she's going to call the cops every time she's mad, even though I won't get into trouble, that bothers me. Also, the fact that she thinks my mom was a swell person bothers me too. Not saying I was perfect in my relationship to my mom--I was unstable with bipolar until my mid-30's, but I did want to make peace before she died, and she refused. She never saw my youngest two kids. As I write this, I'm thinking how much better off I am without my "family" in my life. My 82 year old father is the only one I talk to now. He was treated like crap too after my mom divorced him. If somebody wont' let you sit down and talk it out, you can never resolve anything, and my sister won't. I'm starting to wonder about her mental health. She puts on a good act of stability, but, as I write this, the way she handles things is no better than how I did when I wasn't on good medications. For those of you who stuck out reading this whole thing, thanks. I love the people on this site. You are all really great. I miss the laughter and goofing around I had with my sister, and I still love her, but I know that she sin't going to change how she handles her anger, so I feel it's best, weighing the good with the bad, to just end it. She will NEVER apologize to me for ANYTHING and she won't talk things out when she's mad. I hope I'm doing the right thing.
     
  2. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    There was a time I did not interact with anyone in my family of origin. I felt much healthier for it. When we did begin to interact again, the toxicity was so obvious to me that even that was healing. Slowly but surely, all of us are figuring out how to interact in healthier (note I did not say healthy!) ways.

    So I say that taking a time out from any relationship with family is a fine thing.

    Try not to let yourself become bitter. Remember we all are doing the best we know ~ and that includes the sister.

    And it includes you too, Midwest Mom.

    I admire your courage.

    Family can be the scariest people in the world.

    Barbara
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Barbara. The biggest problem with my sister is that she shuts down and refuses to talk about the trouble spots that keep coming up. I hope one day she is willing to sit down and lay it all out. Until then, she keeps dealing with it passively--by calling the police. Fortunately, I'm friends with all three cops in our town...lol. They know I'm not a dangerous felon, and she can't get me into trouble. What bothers me is that she WOULD if she could. I would never do this to her, or to anyone. It wouldn't cross my mind to go there just over an argument. Until I know she won't do it anymore, I feel it's unsafe to contact her.

    Family is scary, at least to me. My real and only family are my hub and kids.
     
  4. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    MWM ~ good for you to come here and vent! I bet you feel better just being able to type it all out?

    Again ~ You are not alone

    I will condense my story, but I want to share so that you will know you are not alone

    My family disowned me when I wouldn't put my bi-racial son up for adoption. I was forbid to contact any extended as well.
    Both of my father's parents died without ever knowing that I had two children.

    My sister was basically raised as an only child, so we didn't have any dynamics of being in the same home.
    As time went on and the relationship with my parents started to heal, my sis and I become close.

    She would constantly bring up how wrong I was treated, I had dealt with it and was ready to move on and it angered her that I was becoming close to "her" mother that she couldn't get along with.
    Long story short ~ She has repeatedly been so full of venom about the entire relationship that I know have with my parents and the relationship that they have with my children that she has cussed and threatened each of us and moved out of state.
    There were so many hateful incidents that I couldn't even begin to tell them that happened before she moved.

    She would try to manipulate my daughter against me, against my mom and I had to stop letting my daughter be around her.
    I cut off all comunication with her. after a yr she started e-mailing me, but like your sis, she would not agree to sit down and talk about it. I told her I could not go forward with any resolve until the things that she had done with my daughter were addressed with me and my daughter present.
    I left the door open for her when she is ready to sit and talk.

    I have learned that sometimes even if it is family, it can be poison to you and you have to let go
     
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{MWM}}}

    It's courageous and right for you to put up this boundary so that you may better protect yourself. We can choose our friends, but we cannot choose our families. Just because you share blood does not mean that you must continue to be abused by your sister, both mentally and emotionally.

    If you feel that it may be a larger than life sized burden for you to stick with your goal in this regard, I recommend that you seek professional support from a family counselor. A little over a year ago, my psycho sister who had always been my closest sister flipped out on me for no apparent reasons (except those fictitious ones in her head) for the last time...I imemdiately sought a counselor to help me work out everything that had been said and had transpired. I needed to be certain that I had not antagonized my sister and/or brought on all the strife. I needed to know that my choice to cut her from my life was the right thing to do. I needed to know that I was not the crazy hurtful one. I was reassured by this counselor each visit. I can be honest and admit my shortcomings and even those did not explain my sister's behaviors. In speaking with my other siblings, they concurred that my sister needed some severe professional help. My counselor said that if she had to guess she'd say that my sister had narcissistic personality disorder. I saw the counselor for about 3 months and it was enough to get me on track and to take care of myself without anger or resentment. I skipped the holidays with my family so I could nurture myself and it was a good decision.

    Take care of yourself and be gentle with your emotions.
     
  6. Cass1

    Cass1 New Member

    Stay strong!When our friends or family become toxic in our lives sometimes its better just to get on with our lives without including them.I can somewhat relate (no about the police calling though)but I can relate with everything else.
    Take care of yourself and your family.
    Big hugs to you.
    Cassie
     
  7. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Sounds to me like she just can't handle any confrontation, so she burdens the police down with nonsense.

    Doesn't make sense why she does that, to me, either. I hope she comes to her senses some day.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I've done some stuff to her (like not leaving her house when she wanted me to that one time) so I'm not perfect in this. I am willing, however, to take my share of the blame. She isn't. And she spent years listening to our Mom poison her about me with stories from her own point of view. I'm not allowed to tell her about my side. I think unless/until we can really talk, and not have silly "we can't discuss this or that" rules, and come to an understanding, and have her admit that calling the cops was totally unnecessary, and scary to my little kids, I'd be better off without her. Since she is unlikely to ever accept blame or let us hash it all out or listen to my side, it is unlikely we can reconnect, and perhaps it is for the best. My mom (and grandma) were great dividers. They always tried to play sibs against each other. I have a great hub, good kids, and great friends. I guess I should count my blessings. I feel all your stories. I know how it hurts when family decides YOU are all bad. (((Hugs)))
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((((hugs))))

    The problem is your viewing your sister from a point of stability. Before I got half way through your post I was already thinking sis is a difficult child herself. Doesn't sound like she's found stability yet. Which is going to make a relationship with her difficult. Plus you've got maturity on your side, which gives you a totally different view of things, both past and present.

    If your relationship is becoming toxic. There's no wrong in putting some distance there. You don't need to chance your own stability trying to maintain the relationship. Sis's view on mother and the past may be the only way she can deal with it at this point. She may never be able to deal with the reality. (I know a whole family like that) Some people are just that way.

    My grandma told me once, "Being family means you love each other. But that doesn't mean you have to like each other."

    Vent away. I have a whole family like that. lmao
     
  10. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    MM, your sister sounds as if there are mental health needs. I am always amazed that because of "common genes" we tell ourselves to put up with bad behavior. If this woman was just an acquaintance would you be trying so hard to talk with her? I understand you think there should be some sisterly bond, but she clearly isn't feeling it. You would like to vent about what your mother did to both of you, but I don't think she will ever accept that you did help her. I hate to sound callous, but I would be moving on and giving my concern to someone I thought might appreciate it. You have obviously tried to communicate with her, but I would just be civil if I happened to see her, but not engage in any long talks or explanations. If at some point she wants to talk, then by all means talk, but that may never happen.....

    :faint: :nonono: :slap:

    Let your life go on without this stress.....
     
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    MWM, also, remember that just because you don't want to talk with her right now, or even in the near future, doesn't mean forever...

    IOW, take care of yourself now, meet your needs, embrace your immediate family and do what you need to do to feel safe and secure. You never know what's down the road...it's best to never say never and keep a fly window open in case you ever feel comfortable revisiting this relationship later on. But for now, it's okay to detach. Try to do it out of self preservation rather than anger and disgust with your sister. It's healthier.
     
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm sorry that things are to the point that you have to cut off contact. I can't imagine how that feels. My sibs and I are so far apart in age (I'm the oldest and they are the product of my dad's second marriage to a woman only 10 years older than I am) so I haven't really run into issues with them yet. In a way, I'm kind of the "cool" older sister who takes them places and lets them "get away" with things that maybe Dad and their mom wouldn't but I never cross any lines on that. (Think the cool Aunt, I guess) But at the same time, they know I'll rat them out in a heartbeat if I think it's necessary, although I have only had to do that once or twice.

    I don't really have any truly toxic relationships with any family members although, like any family, we all have our moments. My mom's side, for example, has 9 sibs (7 or whom are still living) so there's alllllllways a feud between someone somewhere. I do notice, though, that even as adults and in the "best" of families people still revert back to our set roles as kids when they all get together. I was always "Little Suzy" (not my name but you get the idea) and was somewhat patronized and poo-poo'd when I spoke up about things or did things as a child and I still notice that to this day and I'm almost 37 years old. I guess in some ways it's kind of like cliques in school. Some people never outgrow that attitude no matter which side of the clique you were in.

    When I was with my family when my grandpa died, my grandma, while relying on me to help with some things, still treated me as a child. Granted, that was the week from h*** and there were enormous amounts of stress on all of us. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's always been like that, it was just more pronounced that week. I lost it at one point while at dinner with her and an aunt and just had to leave. I knew Grandma's behavior towards me and snapping at me (constantly and in a pretty ugly way) was caused by all of her stress, fear and grief but I had to get away from her before I reacted in a similar way and said or did something I would regret. I can usually handle her fine when she's like that but at the time it was either, I can deal with Grandpa dying or I can deal with Grandma's attitude but not both. And it just so happened that Grandpa won out that week. I think we were fine by the time I left to come home but I had to get away from her for a bit.

    It just kind of, for lack of a better word, fascinates me how even as adults, sometimes we fall back to those "designated family positions" we had as kids or just when we were younger. (she's the smart one, he's the mouthy one....whatever even though that now the mouthy one is in a professional field or the smart one is the one who's made the worse life choices...that type of thing) It's amazing how those that you love the most can bring out the worst in you at times.

    Wow.....now if that wasn't a veer off into far left field! lol I just want to say that I feel for you but I think you're doing the right thing. If things are like this whenever you have contact, no matter how much you love her or she loves you, you've got to do what's healthy and it doesn't sound like contact with her is healthy. The only thing I might consider doing (and this is just me although I would have to think about it long and hard) would be to write her one last letter. Make it as non-threatening as humanly possible but tell her basically that while you will always love her, for whatever reasons and through no fault of anyone, you both seem to bring out the worst in each other and this is why you're cutting off contact. Or something along those lines. But like I said, that's just me and it would be for my own selfish reason of at least if you never have that healthy relationship, you've made it known that you will always love her. Did that make any sense?

    Sending hugs. I hope you can feel better about this at some point and things can work out for the best, whatever that may be.
     
  13. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    This is something that helped me create a mental picture of what interactions in my family of origin are like. Part of the problem for those of us with dysfunctional family systems is that we bought in to that whole Ozzie and Harriet idea that life is tidy and everyone is always attractive, so we feel ashamed of ourselves and our families when the baloney starts to fly. (Just to clarify a point? I am dysfunctional as they come, too ~ and wouldn't have it any other way, really. Dysfunctional family systems are so weird and interesting and unbelieveable!)

    I wish my children had not been hurt by my dysfunction, if that is what happened to them ~ other than that though, I am okay with the craziness, once I remember what I am going to post now.

    My sister tells me to envision a toxic pond where the frogs are breedng happily away and living their lives in the toxic waters, the daily exposure to the toxic chemicals changing them right down to the DNA. The frogs themselves have no idea. Eventually, the pond has become so toxic that one of the frogs decides she has had enough, and manages to drag herself onto the bank. From her new perspective, she sees that the pond is so toxic it actually glows in the dark. (My whole family is practically irridescent, guys!!!) But the point is that the frog has achieved enough perspective to realize there is something wrong with the pond. Over a long period of time, the frog makes it up the bank and away from the pond and even from the sluggish, polluted river that feeds it.

    But once she is far away from the pond and her skin has grown back and her bones have become strong and her eyes have grown clear and her vision sharp? She begins to disbelieve that the pond was as toxic as she remembers it to have been.

    She turns around.

    Soon enough, she can smell the toxicity that rises from the direction of the still unseen pond.

    But to her, it smells like...home. It smells like familiarity and family and so, she continues in the direction of the pond.

    Before you know it, she has been drawn back into the poison pond.

    And that is where she will lay her eggs, of course.

    *****************

    Good story, isn't it?

    There is no guilt in wandering away from our own poison ponds.

    And there is no shame in missing our families. Toxic as that environment may be, it smells just like home, to us.

    Barbara
     
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