Vent So I Don't Go and Throttle Her!

[susiestar]

Jessica is having a difficult time right now and is driving me crazy. husband and I are finding more and more and more things that she is just outright lying about. Often not even on a topic that anyone has thought of. She is mostly trying to create conflama so that she can be the 'hero' and calm us down.

husband and I NEVER bring up divorce. We agreed early on that we would only ever bring it up if we were serious about it. It is NOT something we say when arguing or upset. She has told me twice in the last 6 weeks that husband is so frustrated with some little issue that he is talking about divorcing me. He was really upset to hear that because it just isn't something he would do.

She asked me to go and look at knife blocks because husband asked her which one I would like for Christmas. Specifically which knife block at walmart I would like. I wouldn't. husband would want me to pick one from online or from the nice kitchenware store in town. NOT from Walmart. But J actually took me to the knife aisle to discuss this!!! Of course when I asked husband about it he gave me a blank look and asked why on earth I would want a knife set from WM??

She tells me that thank you has had nightmares about this or that. thank you sleeps like a rock and the only nightmares he has had in years are about my brother. NOT about a tv show (that he didn't watch), or about a bug, or about a kid at school. When I ask thank you about it, he has no clue what I am talking about. When I go to check on him about these nightmares, he is snoring.

She also will come and ask for aleve 'for thank you' because his knee or foot or head hurts. But if I go to check on him, he doesn't hurt. She will ask him if she can 'look' at a zit and he will say yes but no touching and she iwll grab him to pop it. He hasn't hit her over this, but he has wanted to.

I had a talk with thank you about unwanted touching and that it is WRONG for anyone to do that. That it isn't just your private areas, it can be any area. That forcing him to let her pop his zits is assault, esp if he has said no already. We have a new rule that if thank you needs something he must tell husband or I and we will take care of it. That zits are a medical condition and parents handle medical conditions. So if he gets a zit that needs to be popped (very few do, but he gets some that are borderline boils and the doctor has said to pop or lance them and clean them out and put antibacterial ointment on them. This is both the family doctor and a dermatologist telling us this -with clear guidelines about what is and isn't in need of this.)

At this point we are verifying everything she says. No exceptions. She is not allowed to touch thank you unless asked or for a hug. We have an appointment with a new therapist soon and I hope we can work through this. she has always had a tendency to embellish things, but this is different and becoming extreme. I know part of it is the stress of having to set up and do community service (asking if they will let her do it at a charity and worrying that they will ask why and what to say about it), and part is just being a teen, but it is driving me NUTS!!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent!!!!!!!!!!! I think this is extra frustrating because for the most part she has been easy to handle behavior wise until now.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I hope it isn't an additional health issue... she may NOT be doing it deliberately.

For you - lots of {{hugs}}.

 

[TeDo]

Wow. That sounds like something my younest sister used to do, lie about things that were not even thoughts of anyone's. She finally outgrew it (somewhat) but still has a way of manipulating the truth. Hope it's just a phase and that it doesn't last long. Good for you for double checking and for teaching thank you that touch period is not okay.

Oh, and by the way, vent any time you need to!! You deserve it and if you can't do it here, where can you do it!! We hear ya!

 

[Signorina]

Oh Susie - let's hear it for restraint!! Good job posting here instead of throttling her - I don't know that I would have been so restrained. I would have likely harangued her to death.

Has she been hanging out with anyone - especially someone new - lately? I was going to ask about school when I saw that she is home schooled. Just from your description - and her age - I got the feeling that she could be trying on this behavior "for size." That she is emulating typical teen "self important" behavior she has seen elsewhere; maybe even on tv? Sometimes kids pick up on this stuff from peers and then try it out at home where it's safe. Just a random thought.

Again, great job at being restrained!!! I hope she grows out of it soon.

 

[SuZir]

Sorry she is being a PITA. And like Sig, I applaud for your restraint! I'm not sure if I would have that in me.

To me it sounds like she is trying to establish herself as one of the adults of the household. That of course is not her place to take. and she is also still so immature she is trying to do it via creating the drama. I would very firmly make it clear to her (with your husband) that she is not an equal adult with you, that she is certainly not a party in your marriage or you parenting her brothers. Those are things she is not to be involved now or later. And trying to involve herself is totally unacceptable and out of line.

Then again, she is trying to play with adult role with adult responsibilities etc. That is something she does need to practise. Kids don't turn to adults in blink of the eye, they need to practise the role and be able to come home and turn kids again. Slowly the adult role starts to be the dominant one and stick. So you don't want to clip her wings, you just want to move her to better practising grounds. My kids and kids on my extended family have had good experiences with animals on this. Riding, obedience training with the dog, taking care of the needs of other pet are safe ways to start to practise more dominant and adult role. So are many kid led activities. Scouts are the popular choice around here (but I think your scout system may be more adult led), so are 'peer instructor' system in our church, being an assistant coach for younger kids in various sports, babysitting, summer jobs etc. all tend to do a trick. They give kids chance to try adulthood, their independence, spread their wings, and come back home afterwards to be a kid. Is your daughter already regularly involved with this type of activities that would let her try her 'being an adult skills'? If not, would there be any possible options for her?

 

[DammitJanet]

Evwn though Billy is far older than her, he does some of the same things. He puts himself in the middle of situations that are just so strange and we really cannot believe anything he does say. Its odd. He has memories of his childhood that just arent true. All of them have him as the victim. He actually believes that we left him and Jamie at home one time watching Cory at this one particular house and Cory had a BB gun and that Cory shot them with this BB gun. Number one we would have never left Cory at home alone with him at that age at that particular house. They were all too young. Number two, we never had a BB gun!

He has put himself smack dab into the middle with all this Buck stuff and he tells Tony one thing and me another. The other morning he told me that Buck was banging on the house right next to Tonys window but it wasnt true. Tony was up and sitting in the living room. Buck pulled in the yard then realized he forgot his phone at his house and turned around to go back home to get it. He never got out of his car. After Billy told me he had banged on the house I said something later that night about him doing that and Tony thought I was nuts. We finally figured out what happened.