VENT>vent.vent.vent

[wakeupcall]

OMGosh. I'm gonna kill him!!!! Our difficult child is about to get me to the point that I'm gonna pack the car and leave. He's HORRID, HORRID, HORRID!!! Right now I have him in his room indefinitely (that is unless he storms out and I can't physically get him back in there). I just don't know what to do to stop the behavior and I'm soooooo tired of "he's not got medications working yet" excuse till I could throw up! I wish someone would tell me what happens if he treats a boss like this or a teacher or a policeman?? Huh?? Huh?? difficult child is almost twelve and it's time for this behavior to stop. Having suffered this for eleven + years is about my limit. He tells me "Shut up", he terrorizes the dogs, he throws things at me, he slams doors, he mocks every word I say to him, he pretends to ummmm pass gas on me, he sticks out his tongue to me. WHEN does this crap stop? I kid you not, it's not once an hour he does this, it's nonstop. Someone tell me why all this therapy we've had has not made ONE bit of difference in his behavior. Yes, it's less severe (imagine that) than it once was, but he still does something or another ALL the time. I have therapy, I take ADs, I exercise, and I still get to the point where I don't know if I can take this even one more day. Except for you on this board, I don';t have a freakin' friend in the world. difficult child has run them all off. husband is clearly snowed under at work and I refuse to even call him to complain, so I call my daughter. SHE doesn't want to hear it anymore than husband wants to. My daughter lives 2 thousand miles away (can't help) and husband is a one man show in human resources of a plant of over 100 employees. He canNOT take off to babysit difficult child. It's not that it's any ONE thing difficult child does, it's ALL these things day after day and hour after hour....over and over and over. He has me soooooo upset. I already didn't speak to him the entire day yesterday for something akin to the same behavior. Does he care? Nope...!

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear, I hear hear you. I've had too many days like that.
I don't know what to offer at the moment except support.
{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[hearts and roses]

Hugs Pamela - your difficult child sounds so much like my nephew at that age (he is a difficult child also). Sending many hugs and support~

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Pamela,

I don't know what to tell you......... I couldn't stand the disrespect and the terrorizing of the dog (not to mention the door slamming which is something I don't allow in my house). When you send him to his room, does he have toys to play with, books to read, something to do? Have you tried to take away the things he enjoys in his room? Would it matter if his room didn't have any toys or books to occupy him when he's sent there?

I would be stressed as well if I lived with that all day. Have you tried a sitter, perhpas a teenage boy from the neighborhood who could come over the house and play video games with him or shoot hoops for a couple hours so you could get out to the library, or the mall, or just take a nap? I bet there are some teenage boys who would like to earn a little money. Maybe you could work it into a once a week thing.

I'm glad you have this site to come to and realize you are not alone in raising a challenging kid.

Hugs and support,
Sharon

 

[Wiped Out]

Pamela,
Your difficult child sounds so much like mine-sending understanding hugs your way.

 

[totoro]

Sending some cyber patience, calm, hugs and anything else you need....

 

[Janna]

Hey Pamela,

I understand your frustrations. I've had quite a few days lately I've had to lock myself in the bathroom for a while.

You know, I'm sure this may come out the wrong way, and isn't intended to, but I don't think you putting difficult child in his room for an entire day and not talking to him is probably helping the situation any.

Have you tried or done any type of behavior modification? Looked into getting someone into the home to help you find other ways to manage difficult child? It's been my experience that out of home counseling and therapy, at least for Dylan, has been pretty worthless. He goes in, they play games, draw, color, he bs'es with her for a bit, then we go home. He's had a dozen therapists, all very nice, but none that ever made a difference. The only time I had success was when we did Wrap Around, and had someone serious in the home, teaching us all.

Medicine, although helpful, I am finding more and more as time goes on, is not going to "cure" the problem. Dylan has had incredible successes with medicine, but the bottom line is, his moods and emotions are so out of whack because of his disorders, that he needs to have some pretty intensive interventions to teach him how to basically be "normal".

Just something to think about ~ maybe you could call a local Mental Health/Mental Retardation agency and find out about some help.

 

[wakeupcall]

Thanks everyone. husband came home for lunch and he said we'll just start taking him to daycare all day if that's what it takes. It's very expensive, but less than the cost of my own mental health. I imagine he can stay there until the age of twelve, which is still a few months away. Starting Monday he'll be gone half days to summer social development classes. It's just that nothing has seemed to help. It's sooooo tiring and never-ending.

 

[nvts]

Hi! Oh, I feel so sorry for you! We were going through the same thing with ours FOREVER!!! From the age of 2 when it started and every day up until about 5-6 mos. ago. I had this major catharsis. Enough was enough. I didn't like who I had become with not only difficult child 1 but with difficult child 2 and easy child (still not sure if difficult child 3).

I got even. I refused to react. I answered everything quietly, matter-of-factly and without any kind of emotion what so ever for about a week. My husband thought I'd lost my marbles (I was even answering HIM the same way!!!). I have to admit, it set difficult child off a little more at first, but then he started realizing that I refused to let him get under my skin (which, I have to admit - was getting under HIS skin - which, I have to admit - was giving me a certain amount of smug satisfaction). :bravo:

The basis of thought was: I was reacting to his "inappropriateness" inappropriately. If I scream & yell, how's that showing him the right way to handle stress, pressure, anger, embarassment, etc? So, mellow was key!

Keep in mind (although I'm a diabetic) this tactic works best with one of those Haagen Dazs bars that's dipped in dark chocolate at the end of the day!

Hugs from here!
Beth

 

[Steely]

Ohhhh Pamela.........I am SO sorry! I can understand, understand, understand!

The song leaving on a jet plane comes to mind. Glad at least hubby has agreed for daycare. Except if it was my difficult child, he would act up there too. I don't know which is worse, the phone calls from people about my difficult child, or dealing with him myself.

I am sending big hugs your way...............

 

[wakeupcall]

Hehehehehehehe......I had husband take difficult child to the therapist this evening! We'll see what he has to say when he returns. It'll be funny no matter what because husband just HATES therapists. At least this time I got to pass the buck. Stay tuned.........

 

[nlg319]

I don't have much advice, just wanted to send my hugs to you. My difficult child#2 is 12, and I see alot of the same behaviors. It never seems to end!

 

[Marguerite]

Beth has some good suggestions about how to not react. Stay calm, quiet and walk away in silence if it gets too much.

Think about how he needs you - if you're not there, how will he eat? What about getting himself through his evening routine? What would he do, if you caught that jet plane? So if he drives you away one evening, and he gets hungry, what will happen?

It's good that husband stepped in. I'm really looking forward to the update.

Marg

 

[busywend]

Get both of you a walkman. Get him whatever loud music he wants (parental controlled, of course :grin:) and you both can go around not having to listen to each other. When he speaks you can just yell, "WHAT?!?!?" every time.

I am half kidding. I was going to say camp - glad that is on the way. I really can not think of any solutions that I am sure you have not tried. I think what will help him is growing up, maturity. I know that is not helpful to hear, but it is likely.

Seriously, I did not expect much from my difficult child for years - no chores, I did not confront her about much (safety only). Just this year - at 16 - am I willing to try it again. So far, so good. Although I can feel the tension.

I think one thing that needs to happen is difficult child needs to be busy. Do you have a pool? Trampoline? Basketball net?

 

[wakeupcall]

Oh, boy, difficult child was up at 5:30 this morning for more mother torture. ARG........

As I said earlier, husband took difficult child to his therapist yesterday evening. doctor said it was the best appointment ever! (I think dr is afraid we're going to quit coming, so he's beefing it up.) It seems difficult child talked for a change. He gives these stupid answers to questions...you all know...made up stuff. How do these doctors not see through it? He asked difficult child what it is that "calms" him. His answer was, "drinking water". WHAT???? Give me a break! Then he said, "What can you do prior to causing a commotion?" Answer: "Put myself in time out." You gotta be kiddin' me. husband said we might be coming every other week instead of every week and the doctor went nutz. We've been going EVERY WEEK for over a year and I see very little improvement, but to hear the doctor talk he thinks he's MUCH improved. What do ya do?

:rolleyes:

I'm just glad husband took him (without ME)....because that gave me an hour and a half break. I just sat here, no tv, no radio, no book, no cooking, no nuthin', but me and my dogs cuddling. Thank goodness for small pleasures.