Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
vent/whine
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 376582" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I'm so sorry to read all of this, I know its been a ongoing struggle to balance all of this for a long time, and it seems to sit squarely on your shoulders. Count me as another who has been there done that, with easy child's father. I had my difficult child and easy child was a infant and I recall my ex quitting his job supposedly to help me at home because difficult child was a mess, baby was so small, and his 3 kids from his first failed marriage were basically living with us and I was caring for 5 kids (with then undiagnosed MS rearing its head). That didn't work as he planned (I never thought he should QUIT a good paying job to stay home with me who wasn't working, when there were 5 kids to support!). He refused to return to work but he refused to help with the house or pets or the 5 kids. Yet he did manage to go to a local french literacy agency and volunteer his time daily to teach adults to read. Noble certainly. But at the cost of a spouse and 5 children who did without (eventually was evicted over late rental payments, humiliation!). He never was able to comprehend why exactly I eventually was unable to tolerate even making small talk with him. I just couldn't continue.</p><p>One day I went out for a bit with a family member and landed at their house. I vented, I needed to badly. By the time my vent was over, I phoned home and just announced that since I was moving 2 weeks later (due to eviction from inability to pay everything without his help), I had decided he can find his own place to move at that time and it would be just myself, difficult child and baby easy child moving into my new house. And thats what I did. I remember that 2 weeks was awful, I felt so torn not knowing if this was the right choice, hoping he'd do something (anything) to show an ability to change and get himself together. But he didn't.</p><p>That first night in the new house, I put the kids to bed and soaked in a hot bath and I remember realizing all of a sudden that instead of the horrid pain I expected to feel on my first night starting over alone, I was feeling relaxed and feeling liberated. Even with the new burden of managing it all on my own with both kids etc. I felt liberated. Sure I missed the part of him I had fallen for to begin with. But I certainly didn't miss that feeling I'd been living with for far too long. </p><p>The totally strange thing was that he seemed to wallow in grief for a time, asking me to try again (he hadn't changed so the answer was no). Then he turned up one day with a woman in tow, a woman he met while volunteer teaching at the french literacy place. They are now married. Have a gorgeous (and not cheap) home. 3 vehicles (all bought in past 2 years). Motorhome for travelling. Take mutiple holidays every year. Own their own business (sucessful one), he has a seperate business of his own (also successful) and together they also are managing a book store and are regional managers for this entire section of our province (not sure how many stores it is up to). So he was more than capable, but he wasn't getting it together for me or with me. And I'm in a some sense glad he did get it together, but in no sense do I regret my decision to move on. Simply because I think the only reason he got motivated to fix his situation was because he felt he'd lost everything. When I walked away, so did the ability for others to "do" for him. Had that ability been there to rely on others (me) I do believe we'd be just where we were back then, still today.</p><p></p><p>I know there are stories exactly opposite, where people have a light bulb moment and figure out their mess and work to fix it. I do hope your husband has that moment. I just wanted to share that if a difficult decision to end things is somewhere in your future, it isn't always the experience people assume it will be. I always felt personally anyhow, that by the time that decision comes it is because it is the time for it to be made. And most have given up on it improving by that point. And often I think people felt that relief as I did. To know it may be hard alone, but you are carrying your own weight and that is a ton lighter than carrying your own weight and another persons weight. </p><p></p><p>I'll be thinking of you and hoping for improvement for you in one way or another. Vent anytime, seems a bunch of us truly know what you feel. (((hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 376582, member: 4264"] I'm so sorry to read all of this, I know its been a ongoing struggle to balance all of this for a long time, and it seems to sit squarely on your shoulders. Count me as another who has been there done that, with easy child's father. I had my difficult child and easy child was a infant and I recall my ex quitting his job supposedly to help me at home because difficult child was a mess, baby was so small, and his 3 kids from his first failed marriage were basically living with us and I was caring for 5 kids (with then undiagnosed MS rearing its head). That didn't work as he planned (I never thought he should QUIT a good paying job to stay home with me who wasn't working, when there were 5 kids to support!). He refused to return to work but he refused to help with the house or pets or the 5 kids. Yet he did manage to go to a local french literacy agency and volunteer his time daily to teach adults to read. Noble certainly. But at the cost of a spouse and 5 children who did without (eventually was evicted over late rental payments, humiliation!). He never was able to comprehend why exactly I eventually was unable to tolerate even making small talk with him. I just couldn't continue. One day I went out for a bit with a family member and landed at their house. I vented, I needed to badly. By the time my vent was over, I phoned home and just announced that since I was moving 2 weeks later (due to eviction from inability to pay everything without his help), I had decided he can find his own place to move at that time and it would be just myself, difficult child and baby easy child moving into my new house. And thats what I did. I remember that 2 weeks was awful, I felt so torn not knowing if this was the right choice, hoping he'd do something (anything) to show an ability to change and get himself together. But he didn't. That first night in the new house, I put the kids to bed and soaked in a hot bath and I remember realizing all of a sudden that instead of the horrid pain I expected to feel on my first night starting over alone, I was feeling relaxed and feeling liberated. Even with the new burden of managing it all on my own with both kids etc. I felt liberated. Sure I missed the part of him I had fallen for to begin with. But I certainly didn't miss that feeling I'd been living with for far too long. The totally strange thing was that he seemed to wallow in grief for a time, asking me to try again (he hadn't changed so the answer was no). Then he turned up one day with a woman in tow, a woman he met while volunteer teaching at the french literacy place. They are now married. Have a gorgeous (and not cheap) home. 3 vehicles (all bought in past 2 years). Motorhome for travelling. Take mutiple holidays every year. Own their own business (sucessful one), he has a seperate business of his own (also successful) and together they also are managing a book store and are regional managers for this entire section of our province (not sure how many stores it is up to). So he was more than capable, but he wasn't getting it together for me or with me. And I'm in a some sense glad he did get it together, but in no sense do I regret my decision to move on. Simply because I think the only reason he got motivated to fix his situation was because he felt he'd lost everything. When I walked away, so did the ability for others to "do" for him. Had that ability been there to rely on others (me) I do believe we'd be just where we were back then, still today. I know there are stories exactly opposite, where people have a light bulb moment and figure out their mess and work to fix it. I do hope your husband has that moment. I just wanted to share that if a difficult decision to end things is somewhere in your future, it isn't always the experience people assume it will be. I always felt personally anyhow, that by the time that decision comes it is because it is the time for it to be made. And most have given up on it improving by that point. And often I think people felt that relief as I did. To know it may be hard alone, but you are carrying your own weight and that is a ton lighter than carrying your own weight and another persons weight. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for improvement for you in one way or another. Vent anytime, seems a bunch of us truly know what you feel. (((hugs))) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
vent/whine
Top