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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 642125" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hi and Welcome Back! Long time, no see!</p><p></p><p>I am sorry the rug got yanked out from under you so fast. You have already taken LOTS of steps to start turning things around. At the very least, go find your emergency chocolate/wine/Cutty/whatever and hole up for a little while to take a breath and pat yourself on the back for not just sitting there stunned and waiting to be told what to do. Just taking a few steps is HUGE and should be rewarded. </p><p></p><p>Give yourself some time to cope with the shock. Sit down with some paper and a pen and figure out what you are currently doing that is a need, and what is a want. Ask yourself what would happen if you couldn't enroll difficult child in x, or easy child in y, or had to drop service q. Would life end or would things be okay? There are often lots of places to cut costs that you may not even realize or miss after a few weeks. </p><p></p><p>Your husband did a boneheaded guy thing, but his heart was in the right place. For just a minute, imagine the stress all of the financial worries put on him. It was NOT the right thing to do, but it happened because he loves you and your kids. Also it happened because society STILL gives guys the message that they should be able to provide for their families all by themselves. I have had a lot of guy friends and do not know more than 1 or 2 who don't feel bad on some level that their wives cannot be sahms. I also know a few who decided to try to live a very frugal life, stretch EVERY penny until it screams, and at least tried having one spouse be a SAH. Some found that they liked it, some hated it and the spouse went back to work. Some found that one spouse loved it, one hated it, they stopped talking and got a divorce. It generally was the 'stopped talking' that led to the divorce.</p><p></p><p>There are some amazing books on frugality out there. I still believe the classic, and best one, is "The Complete Tightwad Gazette" by Amy Dacyzian (may have mangled her last name). I strongly recommend heading to alibris or amazon marketplace and ordering it. Be sure you get the one that says "Complete". It originally came out in 3 volumes, one at a time, that do not repeat, then all three were printed in one volume by popular demand. It is available in hardback and paperback and I strongly recommend hardback. Right now amazon isn't showing it in hardback in marketplace, but alibris has it in hardback for $1.39 plus $3.99 shipping (<a href="http://www.alibris.com/booksearch?keyword=complete+tightwad+gazette&mtype=B&hs.x=22&hs.y=33" target="_blank">http://www.alibris.com/booksearch?keyword=complete+tightwad+gazette&mtype=B&hs.x=22&hs.y=33</a>). I have purchased the indiv volumes and 3 copies of the complete version, including one at full retail, and every time have saved enough to MORE than cover the cost of the book in under 2 mos. I have given it as gifts many times. Mostly I get that quiet thanks that comes when someone is underwhelmed with a gift. A couple of months later I get a call that has a real "WOW" in it and an excited thanks and how much it has saved money, time, etc... </p><p></p><p>This book can help you find some breathing room to figure out your next steps. So can the list of wants vs needs. You and husband need to sit down and really TALK about what you want and how to achieve it together. </p><p></p><p>I know it is hard with kids, but have difficult child or someone else watch easy child and go somewhere not at home, or get the kids out of the house for the evening, and stay home and really TALK. What are you each thinking, and more importantly, what are you feeling? Please try to understand what a big burden your husband assumed by not telling you. He has had ALL of the financial worries on his shoulders for years now. He gave you those extra years as a GIFT to both you and to your kids. Was it right? Probably not. Was it boneheaded? Of course. Was it designed to hurt you? Of course not. Was it easy for him? Not just NO but Hades NO! </p><p></p><p>You CAN work through this. You CAN thrive through this and find an even better new 'normal'. but it will take work and open, honest communication. </p><p></p><p>Please think about your career. Do you want to go to the same field or try something new? Were you happy in that career? Don't write off what you have done this last few years as nothing. You had to use a LOT of skills to manage a household, esp one with a difficult child in it. Sure it may feel as though you did 'nothing', but think about the various tasks and what it takes to do with them. There is a LOT more than you think, and often being stay at home mom prepares you better for a job than you realize. I can still remember one a conversation my mom had when she was a university dept secretary after she went back to work when we were in school. The other dept secretary in her office asked her why absolutely nothing really upset her or ruffled her feathers. She said that after raising my bro and I for a few years, she was prepared for anything and the antics of the profs and college kids was NOTHING compared with the stuff we did. a year later when she left to go to grad school, her boss (very gruff, grumpy guy) actually cried because no way would he find a better person to handle her work. They actually had to hire a full time person and a part time person to replace her because she multi-tasked so well and handled so much.</p><p></p><p>So don't you EVER sell yourself short because you stayed home a few years. You learned a LOT and I bet will be great at whatever you choose to do next.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry the rug got pulled out from under you. I know how scary it feels.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 642125, member: 1233"] Hi and Welcome Back! Long time, no see! I am sorry the rug got yanked out from under you so fast. You have already taken LOTS of steps to start turning things around. At the very least, go find your emergency chocolate/wine/Cutty/whatever and hole up for a little while to take a breath and pat yourself on the back for not just sitting there stunned and waiting to be told what to do. Just taking a few steps is HUGE and should be rewarded. Give yourself some time to cope with the shock. Sit down with some paper and a pen and figure out what you are currently doing that is a need, and what is a want. Ask yourself what would happen if you couldn't enroll difficult child in x, or easy child in y, or had to drop service q. Would life end or would things be okay? There are often lots of places to cut costs that you may not even realize or miss after a few weeks. Your husband did a boneheaded guy thing, but his heart was in the right place. For just a minute, imagine the stress all of the financial worries put on him. It was NOT the right thing to do, but it happened because he loves you and your kids. Also it happened because society STILL gives guys the message that they should be able to provide for their families all by themselves. I have had a lot of guy friends and do not know more than 1 or 2 who don't feel bad on some level that their wives cannot be sahms. I also know a few who decided to try to live a very frugal life, stretch EVERY penny until it screams, and at least tried having one spouse be a SAH. Some found that they liked it, some hated it and the spouse went back to work. Some found that one spouse loved it, one hated it, they stopped talking and got a divorce. It generally was the 'stopped talking' that led to the divorce. There are some amazing books on frugality out there. I still believe the classic, and best one, is "The Complete Tightwad Gazette" by Amy Dacyzian (may have mangled her last name). I strongly recommend heading to alibris or amazon marketplace and ordering it. Be sure you get the one that says "Complete". It originally came out in 3 volumes, one at a time, that do not repeat, then all three were printed in one volume by popular demand. It is available in hardback and paperback and I strongly recommend hardback. Right now amazon isn't showing it in hardback in marketplace, but alibris has it in hardback for $1.39 plus $3.99 shipping ([url]http://www.alibris.com/booksearch?keyword=complete+tightwad+gazette&mtype=B&hs.x=22&hs.y=33[/url]). I have purchased the indiv volumes and 3 copies of the complete version, including one at full retail, and every time have saved enough to MORE than cover the cost of the book in under 2 mos. I have given it as gifts many times. Mostly I get that quiet thanks that comes when someone is underwhelmed with a gift. A couple of months later I get a call that has a real "WOW" in it and an excited thanks and how much it has saved money, time, etc... This book can help you find some breathing room to figure out your next steps. So can the list of wants vs needs. You and husband need to sit down and really TALK about what you want and how to achieve it together. I know it is hard with kids, but have difficult child or someone else watch easy child and go somewhere not at home, or get the kids out of the house for the evening, and stay home and really TALK. What are you each thinking, and more importantly, what are you feeling? Please try to understand what a big burden your husband assumed by not telling you. He has had ALL of the financial worries on his shoulders for years now. He gave you those extra years as a GIFT to both you and to your kids. Was it right? Probably not. Was it boneheaded? Of course. Was it designed to hurt you? Of course not. Was it easy for him? Not just NO but Hades NO! You CAN work through this. You CAN thrive through this and find an even better new 'normal'. but it will take work and open, honest communication. Please think about your career. Do you want to go to the same field or try something new? Were you happy in that career? Don't write off what you have done this last few years as nothing. You had to use a LOT of skills to manage a household, esp one with a difficult child in it. Sure it may feel as though you did 'nothing', but think about the various tasks and what it takes to do with them. There is a LOT more than you think, and often being stay at home mom prepares you better for a job than you realize. I can still remember one a conversation my mom had when she was a university dept secretary after she went back to work when we were in school. The other dept secretary in her office asked her why absolutely nothing really upset her or ruffled her feathers. She said that after raising my bro and I for a few years, she was prepared for anything and the antics of the profs and college kids was NOTHING compared with the stuff we did. a year later when she left to go to grad school, her boss (very gruff, grumpy guy) actually cried because no way would he find a better person to handle her work. They actually had to hire a full time person and a part time person to replace her because she multi-tasked so well and handled so much. So don't you EVER sell yourself short because you stayed home a few years. You learned a LOT and I bet will be great at whatever you choose to do next. I am sorry the rug got pulled out from under you. I know how scary it feels. [/QUOTE]
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