very depressing evening for difficult child

[neednewtechnique]

Our difficult child had a bit of a depressing evening. Her bio mom got out of rehab yesterday, and I figured she would be over anxious to visit her daughter, so I left a message for her to call me when she came home so we could try to set up a visit for tonight. I had a few hours free, and since I have to supervise, I thought it would be great, especially since difficult child has been over anxious to see her mom. Well, mom never called, so last night, I called her again, and she sounded like she was excited, promised she would be here, and talked to difficult child for a while, but had more interest in what was going on at home than talking to her daughter (kind of upsetting, but it is what it is). So, after she told difficult child she would be here tonight, she got so excited, and sailed through her day waiting for tonight. I got a phone call about an hour before we were supposed to meet, and she was saying she wasn't coming. Apparently, instead of waking up this morning and immediately calling her Parole officer to get permission to leave the county, she waited until it was almost time to leave, and then could not get ahold of her. UGH I was so frustrated, because I knew that difficult child was going to be crushed, but what do you do??? Honestly, I just don't know what this woman is thinking, because if it had been three months since I had seen my kid, you could be darn sure I would do nothing else that day besides call my PO to be SURE I could make it happen...but instead, she waits until the last minute and couldn't get anything accomplished.

So difficult child says she is a little "sad" but that she will be fine, I think she is finally maturing to the age that she has come to expect this sort of thing, but I cannot imagine that would make it any easier....geez, who knows??

 

[ma2sevn]

I am sorry for your difficult child...such a dissapointment. Does seem like she is not surprised, which is sad too. My therapist says we do alot for our kids just by "bearing witness", meaning we are there, plain and simple. You are there for her and that is more valuable than words can express.

 

[neednewtechnique]

I guess I am torn on this, because in some ways, I want to keep giving bio mom her chances to see her daughter, but at the same time, if she continues to not show up (this is not the first time this has happened, it was beginning to become a problem BEFORE bio mom got into trouble again and went back to jail and then back to rehab). When do you say "enough is enough" and stop putting your child through this. I mean, honestly, this would be hard enough on a easy child, but with everythign else on top, a difficult child will take these kinds of things harder. Besides that, difficult child WANTS to spend time with her mom, but I don't know how much more we can put her through the disappointment of her not showing up. At least if we say NO MORE, then we don't have to worry about her getting her hopes up, and then them being dashed. She technically does not HAVE any visitation rights, so my husband and I DO NOT have to allow her visitation, but if we do, the order says that they must be supervised completely by me or a court-appointed supervisor (usually a social worker that would volunteer to come).

I am trying to take it easy on her, I mean, she DID just come home from rehab yesterday, and maybe taking care of obligations at home may be more of a priority to her than trying to fulfill obligations outside the home, but, THATS HER KID!!! Who would NOT drop everything to go see their kid if they were separated for 3 months?!?!?!?!?

 

[witzend]

I can see why difficult child would be upset. Too bad mom doesn't have more sense. I'm sure that would be too much to ask.

It might be better if you leave it up to mom to make the first step next time. Or difficult child. My ex-brother in law was an absentee dad for a long time. When my niece was about your difficult child's age, my sister got tired of listening to her whine about her dad not loving her and not caring enough to see her. My sister's calls to ex went nowhere, and she had to have a frank talk with her daughter. She told my niece that she knew she hurt, and that she was disappointed in her ex and it hurt her too. BUT, she while wasn't married to him anymore, he would always be niece's dad. She told my niece that if she wanted to see her dad, she needed to call him and tell him how she felt.

Luckily, in that situation, her dad did step up. And maybe in difficult child's case it will help her mom to step up if she realizes that her daughter needs her. (You never know...) But at 13, it would probably be a good thing for you to remove yourself from this equation, making your relationship with her separate from the one with her mom. It also may empower her to talk to her mom, and help her to understand that if her mom doesn't step up, that's on her mom, not her.

I have some insight with my husband. His mom is totally unable to cope with anything. She's been in and out of psychiatric institutions most of her adult life. He had to pay the bills for her while he was away at college because the utilities kept getting cut off. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Some people just can't plan a day ahead. Some people can't care more about their children than themselves. It breaks my heart to hear about this stuff. I hope that your difficult child won't feel like her mother's problems reflect upon her.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, that is so sad.
I agree, someone will have to say enough is enough. Especially since you're the one who made the call... you're doing her a favor. So sad.

 

[timer lady]

Would it work to not let difficult child know that bio mom is visiting? That way if she doesn't show difficult child won't be so very disappointed.

This is so sad....and seemingly so very common with parents with addictions. Many times the drug of choice comes before everything else, including their children.

I'd consult with SW, therapist & psychiatrist if you feel his input is needed on the d/cing of visits.

I can tell you that difficult child will not forget this; she will make excuses for bio mom, but she won't forget that bio mom chose something else over her.

Give difficult child a big hug from this cyber auntie.

 

[busywend]

It is so hard to watch a child in pain. Especially due to their parents actions.

 

[Sunlight]

you are a very wise 23 yr old mom! and a good stepmom!
I have this issue with my 3 yr old grandson and his mom not bothering with him as she should. same for his dad. grrr.

I think they get wise to the actions of their parents and stop hoping for better at some point.

I would not tell your daughter about any visit til mom is in the driveway. started that with kaleb.

 

[TerryJ2]

I know, I was thinking that, too, how wise and mature you are for 23.

 

[neednewtechnique]

We have tried that before, too, where we don't say anything, but since they are allowed to talk on the phone, often times mom tells her anyway. And difficult child would be upset if she didn't get to talk to her on the phone, so...kinda difficult. But we have done that for a period of time before.

I guess I am going to take her to mom's this weekend, at least if I drive her, I will know she can get there...

After that though, mom will have to call and make plans with me, and not tell difficult child, because I am not going to initiate if she will only be hurt.

And thank you very much for the compliment. Having my first one at 18 forced me to grow up quick, but for me, it wasn't difficult, I was actually looking forward to being a mom. I never regretted it, especially since by the time mine are grown, I will still be young enough to enjoy life!!!

 

[susiestar]

I wish every person who became a parent at 18, or even 20 or 30, would be able to handle the family you have built. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders regarding all of this. So, I'll say what I tell all moms: Follow your gut. It won't lead you astray.

Of the things that have been my biggest mistakes as a parent, the one factor is that my instincts screamed at me not to do them, and I ignored myself.

Listen to yourself, and enjoy the positives in your life!

Susie