This is a worse, stronger statement than "I don't always love my child." I actually do love 35. But there are times, way in secret, in places I never tell my thoughts, when I wonder if it would have been better.....if 35.....had not been....born. Yes, there, I said it and I feel sick to my stomach. But he has never ever been happy and his life just keeps getting worse. Sure, he does it to himself, but he really doesn't know it, and I didn't bring this child into this world just so that he can spend his days and years completely miserable. I do not remember a time when he was happy. I do think he had a measure of contentment when he was married, at least in the beginning, but that's all. Here is the latest, for those of you who do not go to Parent Emeritus. Plus this post is for me and my feelings and it's sort of a vent. I know I need to go back into detachment mode, but right now it's all out there and I can't push it back in. Here goes. Of course, 35 can't do anything without talking too much, babbling too often, sending too many e-mails, asking too many questions, being a general PITA. So his fantastic lawyer is now talking about how she may not be the best lawyer for him and customer care from the firm is going to contact him. If s he does drop him, he has lost the case. You may ask me why I care, since he is so troubled, and I want the best for my grandson. Well, ex is even worse. I'd have to write a novel to tell you all the stuff she has done and, as hard as it is to imagine, she is even worse than him... and meanspirited and is most likely a sociopath. She has left a path of destruction everywhere she has gone. She would NEVER let me see my grandson, not that I will ever have a big part in his life, but ex would keep him away from me forever. Period. So I'm sad for myself. Selfish, I know. Plus I'm so tired of the way 35, without the use of drugs as an excuse, just totally ruins everything. He had the best lawyer in St. Louis. When she dumps him (I should say "if"), it will be costly and he will have trouble getting another one (lawyers want nothing to do with clients who were dumped by other lawyers) and it will look terrible to the judge. What is actually going on is that the lawyer has suggested to 35 that she isn't sure she is the right person to represent him and that Customer Care from her firm is going to call him next week to talk about it. She isn't pulling out yet and did not say she'd do it for sure, but I think she wants out. This is a week before mediation and three weeks before the hearing to dismiss. I know my son is a PITA, especially to me, but he doesn't scream and swear at outsiders and I can only think that his nonstop questioning and rambling is driving this poor lawyer to drink a bit too much after hours. He knows what he did wrong and would stop doing it if she'd keep him, but at this point, who knows? It may be too late. IF she does file a motion to dump him, the judge will likely grant soul custody and all the perks that go with that to the ex, who is even crazier but is good at hiding it. My poor grandson. He can't win. If 35 loses custody of his son, except for every other weekend and once during the week, with no legal rights to make decisions about him, I am seriously afraid he will kill himself. His entire life is his son. His only happiness is this child. I am sick with worry and guilt. He has inherited every bad gene in our family tree, not spared one of them. And he's awful. And I love him dearly anyway. And I just wish I could block him completely out of my mind. This new development with the lawyer, although his fault by bothering her so much, has me more upset than most of his other messes. It also makes me think about Scott, which is dangerous territory. Am I going to lose my first two children? Scott won't let me see him and there is a good chance that one day 35 will kill himself. Ok, so I'm on the pity pot. Can't I just have one holiday where 35 doesn't interfere with the rest of my family? Today I'm not angry at 35. I'm sad for him and for all the other people in this world who can never find happiness or peace.