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General Parenting
Very few consequences
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 147176" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>The problem with consequences is the focus is now on the consequences done to him , maybe what happens to him if he steals , but in no way does it deal with the issue of what type of person he wants to become , reflecting on his own self respect , his values . Consequences are important - the ones that show how one's actions impact on others , being caring and having empathy. People don't hurt others or steal because of the consequences but rather they have developed a sense of empathy , not wanting to do to others that one would not like done to oneself , it is because they have self respect. As one therapist said to a kid - you said you won't do it again because you are afraid of the consequences , that won't stop you , the only thing which will stop you is developing a self respect , that you are a person who cares about others , has a self respect and values. </p><p></p><p></p><p>'In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing a very deep kind of reassurance the reassurance that she still care<s> about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad. This posture allows their best motives to surface, thus giving space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. If we want our students to trust that we care for them, she concludes, then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. Its not that we dont want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.</s></p><p><s></s></p><p><s>This is the heart of unconditional teaching, and Watson points out that its easier to maintain this stance, even with kids who are frequently insulting or aggressive, if we keep in mind why theyre acting that way. The idea is for the teacher to think about what these students need (emotionally speaking) and probably havent received. That way, she can see the vulnerable child behind the bothersome or menacing exterior. '</s></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 147176, member: 10"] The problem with consequences is the focus is now on the consequences done to him , maybe what happens to him if he steals , but in no way does it deal with the issue of what type of person he wants to become , reflecting on his own self respect , his values . Consequences are important - the ones that show how one's actions impact on others , being caring and having empathy. People don't hurt others or steal because of the consequences but rather they have developed a sense of empathy , not wanting to do to others that one would not like done to oneself , it is because they have self respect. As one therapist said to a kid - you said you won't do it again because you are afraid of the consequences , that won't stop you , the only thing which will stop you is developing a self respect , that you are a person who cares about others , has a self respect and values. 'In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing a very deep kind of reassurance the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad. This posture allows their best motives to surface, thus giving space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. If we want our students to trust that we care for them, she concludes, then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. Its not that we dont want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it. This is the heart of unconditional teaching, and Watson points out that its easier to maintain this stance, even with kids who are frequently insulting or aggressive, if we keep in mind why theyre acting that way. The idea is for the teacher to think about what these students need (emotionally speaking) and probably havent received. That way, she can see the vulnerable child behind the bothersome or menacing exterior. '[/s] [/QUOTE]
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