Very interesting...

[witzend]

I've been reading all of the posts in Everywoman's thread about admitting whether we were difficult child's ourselves or not. It's intriguing to me that nearly every one of us who admit being a difficult child include in our story that either we had cut ourselves off from our family, or our family had cut us off, and we got pregnant and realized that we needed to turn our lives around. Not that that's the best way to do things...

But it occurs to me that a lot of us really did hit rock bottom. And most of us turned it around without the help of our parents. Heck, it's likely that most of our then non-supportive parents would never be convinced to this day that we ever had turned ourselves around. Maybe they were all wrapped up in controlling our lives and there's more than one of us mentioned that one of them "held the reins tight".

I hope that when we are having troubles with decisions about how much effort to put into "fixing" our grown kid's problems that we can remember that all of us past difficult child's came out of it when the apron strings were cut and we had hit rock bottom. That's when we became grown-ups, it seems.

Just a thought.

 

[svengandhi]

I was not a difficult child, but my father and sister are. I have not spoken with my sister in 12 years and never intend to ever again. As for my dad, he lives across the country and it's close enough for me. I speak to him only when one of the kids pick up the phone, I do not answer if I see his number come up.

I have a tough time dealing with gfgness because it is NOT part of my make-up. It is something I spent my life running from until my kids came along. Now I can't run away but I am not emotionally connected to the battle because I don't understand it.

I became a grown-up at 16, the day I told my father that I would kill him if he hit me again.

 

[BusynMember]

I had bipolar as a child (undiagnosed/unmedicated) and my family was NEVER there for me, even after diagnosis. I was "bad." I haven't seen or spoken to them in a long time--they are beyond dysfunctional. If my sister doesn't like something I say, she won't tell me, but she'll hold a grudge. Then the next time I call her, she'll call one of the two policemen in our town...lol. She'll say I'm "harassing" her. It's a joke with the two cops who are both my friends. She'd NEVER however call the cops on neighbors of her who may offend or annoy her. THAT would make her look like a fool. She IS a fool and very disturbed. I used to think I was the crazy one... My brother is a teacher who gets way too close to his students...cell phone numbers, apartment visits, I don't know what's going on with him, but it makes me very uncomfortable. He has never had a date. On my father's desk, he has a picture of my brother with his arm around one of his teenage boy students, a very handsome young man. I know my brother is WAY too fond of him because he talked about him so much that I finally couldn't listen anymore. I've thought of turning him in because he sounds like he is infatuated with this child (who is now finally 18), but apparently the school knows he gets ultra-close to his students, and I really don't have any first hand info--he lives far away. Maybe nothing is going on, but...anyways. My mom disinherited me when she died. Ten years of my apologizing to her (and I'm not even sure what I did) and she still didn't want to ever meet my youngest kids and never did...nor did she want to see me. Sometimes blood doesn't mean squat. As an adoptive mom I'm convinced that it's who love you who is your family, not who shares your genes. Honest, I was a kid who used to fantacize that this horrible family wasn't really mine and that I'd been adopted! I would have welcomed any disconnection from the screaming, verbal abuse, and discord. Not all kids get pulled up by their familes, however, I hope most of our kids do. Lord knows, we've all worked really hard to help our kids...deep inside, they know this.

 

[Hound dog]

Witz

It's interesting that you mentioned that.

Because when find myself tempted to step in and help (or take over) that's exactly what I do. I think back to when I was that age. And it stops me cold in my tracks pretty much every time.

My family was never there. Aw heck, they'd have run the other way had I asked them to help. Too bad it wasn't that way for my difficult child sibs. They did get all sorts of help and I think it actually made it take them longer to get it sorted out. I'm seeing History repeating itself in my difficult child neices and nephews. (we're a difficult child sort o' family lol)

Example: I have one difficult child nephew who was released from prison less than two weeks ago after a 5 yr sentence. (his 3rd I believe) And my other difficult child nephew is on his way to prison shortly for God knows how long for holding up two local banks.

BOTH had oodles of "help" from family. Didn't do them a lick of good.

I have a difficult child neice who's parents said "you made your bed now lie in it" When at 18 she got pregnant and married a guy almost twice her age who already had 2 kids. One of those kids has cerebral palsy among a long list of other dxes.

Not only did difficult child turn out to be the most awesome/loving/attentive Mom ever, she saw the light like a shining beacon. She's back in school, although they now have 4 kids, and determined to make her life a success. It was a hard, hard road for her these last few years.