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Very long-about experiences
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 192113" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Sounds like you feel about difficult child, the way I feel about difficult child 3. </p><p></p><p>I do 'get' you on the subject of being tired of having to keep justifying yourself to people who pre-judge before you even sit down and talk about the main issue - your difficult child. Even though I'm in a stable long-term relationship, people would still judge me because of my disability which doesn't have a specific name. I'd then get psychologists (or similar) wanting to play with MY mind, instead of dealing with difficult child 3. Or I'd get people pre-judging and insistent that my health problems were all imaginary, and from there it was a short leap to the Munchhausen's by proxy rubbish.</p><p></p><p>Maybe because I was always trying to head off the Munchhausen's by proxy, I went out of my way to show that I was prepared to cooperate and that I was clearly NOT 'doctor-shopping' or refusing access to my medical history (for those for whom it was at all relevant). Not that I would throw open all my medical records to unlimited access - but when I felt the questioning beginning, I would allow them ONE phone conversation with my treating specialist, to put a stop to what I saw as the therapist "barking up the wrong tree" and get everything back on track. Because there are always idiots out there who like to play psychiatrist inappropriately, I began to limit access to my own case files - at least limited in the extent that I needed to know whenever contact had been made. I've generally had a good working relationship with my own treating specialists and so I have trusted them to be open and honest with me. As a result, my treating doctor would fill me in on whatever a therapist of difficult child 3's had asked about me, in any conversation they had.</p><p></p><p>The big difference between you and me - I doubt you get judged based o your appearance. You probably get judged though, based on your statistics on the file (where is the father, sort of thing). Also, I doubt you need to keep proving yourself to not be actually deliberately making your child dysfunctional. I am fortunate in that I don't have to prove this too often, thank goodness. What worries me is when I HAVE had to worry about it, I'm aware I've been at risk of losing my child. And for me to shut down this kind of problem - throwing open my file is the answer. For you, it's almost the opposite. If they find out too much about your history, it is just too tempting to get caught up in sifting through it to find clues to difficult child's problems.</p><p></p><p>An example - I've mentioned this case before; a little girl and her baby brother were mistreated by their bio-mum in Queensland. Bio-mum and de-facto dad couldn't cope with the "bad behaviour" of the children (who were little more than babies) and would TIE THEM UP for hours and hours. At one point the children were hog-tied (had been for about 8 hours) when the 18 month old girl suffocated and died. She was also found to be badly malnourished. The mother and de-facto boyfriend were charged with murder and are currently serving time. The baby boy was handed over to bio-mum's mother.</p><p></p><p>Then comes the problems - of course the little boy has behavioural problems. The mum gets access to a lot of help in terms of funding, therapy for a traumatised child - but when the grandma kept saying, "There's something else wrong," they stopped listening to her and gave her a hard time. It took a number of years of her arguing with authorities (and nearly losing custody of him) before he (belatedly) got a diagnosis of autism. They have finally accepted - yes, the boy was traumatised. But with hindsight, maybe the bio-mum's insistence that her kids had behaviour problems was right - if the kids were Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some way. Of course, hog-tying them was not the way to cope! But if the child also had autism as an underlying diagnosis, then it would explain a lot. </p><p></p><p>The boy is going to need a lot of ongoing care and maybe is worse than he would have been because of the abuse he received.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, people pre-judge. It often gets in the way of what children need. It happens for many reasons, across the board (I wish it didn't). It's not fair. And I don't blame you for having had enough.</p><p></p><p>I think what brings us back for more is our kids - we will endure a great deal, if there is even a hint that eventually, our kids get the help they need.</p><p></p><p>There's no easy answer.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 192113, member: 1991"] Sounds like you feel about difficult child, the way I feel about difficult child 3. I do 'get' you on the subject of being tired of having to keep justifying yourself to people who pre-judge before you even sit down and talk about the main issue - your difficult child. Even though I'm in a stable long-term relationship, people would still judge me because of my disability which doesn't have a specific name. I'd then get psychologists (or similar) wanting to play with MY mind, instead of dealing with difficult child 3. Or I'd get people pre-judging and insistent that my health problems were all imaginary, and from there it was a short leap to the Munchhausen's by proxy rubbish. Maybe because I was always trying to head off the Munchhausen's by proxy, I went out of my way to show that I was prepared to cooperate and that I was clearly NOT 'doctor-shopping' or refusing access to my medical history (for those for whom it was at all relevant). Not that I would throw open all my medical records to unlimited access - but when I felt the questioning beginning, I would allow them ONE phone conversation with my treating specialist, to put a stop to what I saw as the therapist "barking up the wrong tree" and get everything back on track. Because there are always idiots out there who like to play psychiatrist inappropriately, I began to limit access to my own case files - at least limited in the extent that I needed to know whenever contact had been made. I've generally had a good working relationship with my own treating specialists and so I have trusted them to be open and honest with me. As a result, my treating doctor would fill me in on whatever a therapist of difficult child 3's had asked about me, in any conversation they had. The big difference between you and me - I doubt you get judged based o your appearance. You probably get judged though, based on your statistics on the file (where is the father, sort of thing). Also, I doubt you need to keep proving yourself to not be actually deliberately making your child dysfunctional. I am fortunate in that I don't have to prove this too often, thank goodness. What worries me is when I HAVE had to worry about it, I'm aware I've been at risk of losing my child. And for me to shut down this kind of problem - throwing open my file is the answer. For you, it's almost the opposite. If they find out too much about your history, it is just too tempting to get caught up in sifting through it to find clues to difficult child's problems. An example - I've mentioned this case before; a little girl and her baby brother were mistreated by their bio-mum in Queensland. Bio-mum and de-facto dad couldn't cope with the "bad behaviour" of the children (who were little more than babies) and would TIE THEM UP for hours and hours. At one point the children were hog-tied (had been for about 8 hours) when the 18 month old girl suffocated and died. She was also found to be badly malnourished. The mother and de-facto boyfriend were charged with murder and are currently serving time. The baby boy was handed over to bio-mum's mother. Then comes the problems - of course the little boy has behavioural problems. The mum gets access to a lot of help in terms of funding, therapy for a traumatised child - but when the grandma kept saying, "There's something else wrong," they stopped listening to her and gave her a hard time. It took a number of years of her arguing with authorities (and nearly losing custody of him) before he (belatedly) got a diagnosis of autism. They have finally accepted - yes, the boy was traumatised. But with hindsight, maybe the bio-mum's insistence that her kids had behaviour problems was right - if the kids were Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some way. Of course, hog-tying them was not the way to cope! But if the child also had autism as an underlying diagnosis, then it would explain a lot. The boy is going to need a lot of ongoing care and maybe is worse than he would have been because of the abuse he received. The thing is, people pre-judge. It often gets in the way of what children need. It happens for many reasons, across the board (I wish it didn't). It's not fair. And I don't blame you for having had enough. I think what brings us back for more is our kids - we will endure a great deal, if there is even a hint that eventually, our kids get the help they need. There's no easy answer. Marg [/QUOTE]
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