Very New Here...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tough love, Nov 4, 2011.

  1. tough love

    tough love New Member

    Okay, here goes...
    I am from the Great state of Texas, married 26 yrs to my awesome hubby. Couldnt have kids after 14 misscariages, so we adopted . So the story goes like this....
    I am a 48 yr old, a mom of 4 children ages 14-23. 2 boys and 2 girls that are all adopted since young babies. All were drug babies through foster care. We have 2 adult kids gone from the home and 2 at home, 14yr old girl and 16yr old boy-half brother and sister. As of last year, we adopted our 18month old Grand daughter from our 21 yr old and we are busy raising her. Our hope in adoption was to raise these beautiful children, and to see them make a better life then what they would of had. I wanted them to grow and flourish, to love who they are, and be somebody that they could be proud of!
    They short story of the 4,,, the oldest is a story of its own, with unchangable lifestyles that are not good. The #2 child is a mental illness story that drove our family into hiding from others, The #3 has hope and promise in his young life, while #4 -14 yr old (doctor jeckle) fights with (mr hyde) and thus the story unfolds. Baby doesnt fit in catagory as of yet.
    I'm a good girl I am! And want someone to talk to and understand that I am not losing it! I am a desperate mom wanting understanding and maybe a bit of advice???
     
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    sounds like you have one of each that someone (or some-twenty) will be able to relate to. Each and every one of the kiddos, I suspect....even raising your precious grandaughter!

    I have been here about a month and a half and I have never in my parenting life had the support that comes from this board. People become more than cyber friends to you very quickly here and I am so glad you found us! You will find many someones to talk to. You are not losing it.

    I am an adoptive single mom to a 14 yr old, also adopted from foster care. i cant imagine 4 of him! He is a great kid but much more than I bargained for and yet I would not not do it again. I would do some things way differently as I look back, but I really do love him.

    Please share more, you will be probably shocked to find that it is not out of being nosy i am asking...it is that you will find so many who have been there and done that.

    And, I am a good girl too, we dont deserve anything that happens like this, it just is what it is...they had rough starts wtih probable physical and or emotional damage from the beginning. You DID give them better. You have no idea if they would have even lived without you!

    So, what's going on right now??? Just everything, going crazy kind of a day (we are entitled and it happens) or any specific issues???...
     
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Welcome to the board! My son is not adopted, but I can relate to how you feel about wanting someone who understands. You will find alot of understanding here. I'm a good girl, too (although if you ask my difficult child about that you might get a different answer) and yes, there are times when I feel like I don't deserve this either, but then I am reminded that God gave me this specific child for a reason.

    Please, tell us about yourself and your kids some more.
     
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Understanding and a soft shoulder and a large ear are in plenteous supply around here.
    Welcome...

    Nothing to add for advice, but others WILL be along...
     
  5. tough love

    tough love New Member

    OMGosh,,, I don't know what to do with my 14 yr old??? No diagnosis yet? I have my suspicions but she is a young teen. I cant get the Phyct to phone me, we need a new counsler, and she has already ran away one time. She went to a treatment center for 2 months 4 yrs ago where they basically tell me that she was a perfect angel???She has a short fuse, has physcally and mentally given us $^%*&^&! Her Brother has to walk on eggshells around her or she will retaliate! We put them into different High School due to her meaness! She is failing all her classes, nit pics us to death! I am mentally drained and on medications. She is at our breaking point. I want to have her put in a place to have her re evaluated!
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Re-evaluation is definitely called for, but you won't necessarily get it through out-of-home placement.
    There could be dozens of things going on...
    Can you tell us more?
    Developmental milestones - normal?
    Speech, motor skills, behaviors...
    What does she struggle with in school, when did it start?
    Is there anything she is good at?

    ANY history is helpful...

    p.s. she's "only" 14. Its not "too late" just based on age.
     
  7. tough love

    tough love New Member

    I cry off and on cuz I feel horrible as usual! She is the most gorgeous girl and has the ability to manipulate, tease, and create havoc in our home. Nobody can function and be happy around her! She wont let us help her with school work, says we embarrass her in front of her friends, says she wants to live somewhere else??? I have heard all this many times and at times, it can get to you! I keep telling myself, "She has mental illness"!
     
  8. tough love

    tough love New Member

    I am so overwhelmed that it would take forever to get it all together.I printed out that paper on assessments from your forum and realize that it could take time to put this all together. UUUGGG!!! She has been like this since she could walk and talk. Only people who have stayed at our home or know us well have witnessed her behavior. Most people feel that she is a sweet little girl who is misunderstood.
     
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Possibly.
    But not necessarily the only thing going on.

    When did all of this start? right from "baby"?
     
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I agree with Insane, there could be many things going on, many of us have learned through some challenges with specific issues. not being nosy, just saying if you are comfortable telling us the circumstances of her birth/adoption, development, etc. it can ring some bells with others that can relate and help suggest ideas that may work for you. One thing that struck me right off the bat was she was able to do well in a residential setting and is difficult with those who are closer to her (relationship wise) . This can happen in Reactive Attachment Disorder. If you look up about that you can see if you think it fits at all, and remember it is a spectrum so if you read about the worst cases, it does nto mean it doesn't apply to her, just that she may be somewhere down the spectrum. And it could be totally different, maybe she just does really well with very strict and consistent routine an expectations. It is really hard for us at home to be as consistent (not to mention we dont have the show of force they have) as what an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has. She has issues at school, what kinds? Is she better at school than at home??

    If you can, pls. go to settings and create a signature that will show up in all of your posts, that helps us to remember and get to know you more...

    no matter the issue, please know that I understand this is a super challenging, frustrating and at times depressing kind of parenting. It can feel really overwhelming. My son will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow, it has been scary and sad. i really do care and hope you find some comfort here, there are super smart, really amazing folks on this board!
     
  11. tough love

    tough love New Member

    She was a Meth baby,Born on time with good apgar. We got her at 6 weeks of age. Cried a lot and even more as she grew. Had many temper tantrums and would hit, bite or kick anyone who did not do as she asked(Siblings). They would give into her so that wouldn't happen. I had one lady at our Barn on base ask me," Why does she always cry and scream?" As she grew older, it progressed to hurting all of us and endangering herself and others. She has damaged our home and screamed at us that there is no more harmony in our home. We dont go anywhere with her because she ruins our fun times.
     
  12. tough love

    tough love New Member

    She was a good infant, slept all night, ate drank, normal milestones. Birth Mom was a prostitute with drug history. I dont know much about her mental history? My daughter didn't start showing signs until she was about 18 mos 2 yrs. Always seemed cranky and unhappy.
    She just called me and informed me that she was staying at the school for a football game. Due to her bad grades, I told her that I was going to pick her up now and she simple told me no. I am staying here!
     
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Does she play with others, if so how does she play...can she be imaginative and creative in her play, can she take turns? Can she share well or is it all about her? Does she have any special interests? Things she likes and talks about alot, even when others are bored with it? Do you think that going from one activity or place to another is really hard for her? (Transitions that is...) (I know she is a teen but even in the past??)

    We have had a few new posters and many older ones who have kids who were born exposed to drugs. My son may have in the first few weeks/the first month of pregnancy. i did a lot of reading and research as well as continuing ed because i was interested in case it was part of his story. I have learned that there can be a variety of effects, some like with fetal alchohol effects, and others like irritability, attention problems, jugdement problems, short term memory problems, etc. In terms of attachment...if she had chronic/unrelenting pain she could have learned that people can't help her (not in WORDS obviously, in her brain development at a time when babies learn...I cry/mommy fixes it) For these kids even with wonderful parenting they only know they are in pain. That happened to my son and I met a mom of a premie-her bio child- who had severe attachment disorder because she had been through so much and not being able to have comfort for so many months affected her for life. It could be a mental health issue, did her bio parents have mental health issues? bi-polar or other diagnosis?

    I totally hear you about the stress of living with yelling and screamming from a difficult child and the broken things including the house. Is she on an IEP at school? Does she get any services in school or through the county? I know, tons of questions, but it really will help to talk about it and hear that others 'get' it.

    Supportive hugs to you! buddy
     
  14. tough love

    tough love New Member

    I could force the issue but I know what would happen and it would make a bad sean for both of us at her school. I am not to touch her due to laws saying forceful punishment at her age. At times I'd like to put her over my knee and give a good whopping but I wont of course.
     
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    my son just started doing that too....he can't go places without me because he is so delayed but if I tell him no he will just dig in and say he is gonna do it anyway. There have been times, like when refusing to come in from play outside that i have said (as you just did) OK, but then the consequence is greater in the end. I sat down and told him during a NON-conflict time, that if he refuses to listen, that is a bigger problem. I will then have to make sure that we dont play for two nights. If he refuses then things I can control like the password on tv and computer and other things get taken away. My sister takes my nieces phone away and grounds her. she has snuck out twice in the last few weeks so .... problem with kids our ages, they are devopmentally not at their peers ages, but they are teens and are going to push boundaries, probably harder than most due to their neurological/mental health challenges.
     
  16. tough love

    tough love New Member

    She seems to want stuff done her way or she gets very frustrated, almost like a perfectionist but not. School is difficult, She is very unorganized. Cant follow task given to her, and expects work done the way the teacher presented it. She cant and wont go to movies or enjoy fun, She hates to read and has been given a dyslexia test which showed nothing???Go figure??? Just a slight problem with Comprehension. She forgets things and cant seem to stick to a task. She has no sense of Imagination and cant entertain herself. She is very well equipped with the mean nasty comments. Whatever is her favorite word.
     
  17. buddy

    buddy New Member

    You know, i am sure others will chime in here, but I am wondering if there is any way you can get a NEUROPSYCHOLOGICAL evaluation. It is a private evaluation that will look at many areas of her development, including her birth history and all of her behaivors. they connect the things kids do and learn with how the brain functions. They help to sort out a diagnosis. One thing that concerns me is that she has oppositional behaviors plus adhd symptoms along with social challenges that are common for kids with higher functioning forms of Autism. Things like Asperger's and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified (which just means it is some kind of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-autism- that does not meet fully the criteria so it is "not otherwise specified"). These kiddos seem like they are very defiant and get very stuck in what they want. Things are black/white. Their way or the highway. They often seem like they have adhd symptoms, including the disorganization. Now, I have never met your daugher but since there are so many things that connect to this it is worth checking along with other diagnosis that can stand apart from autism (also called Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)/autistic spectrum disorder) and things that often go with autism like motor issues, sensory issues, behavior issues, auditory processing issues, language issues (you said she scored lower in comprehension, also common in that case).....

    As many parents here will testify, regardless of the diagnosis, it is important to try to get to the bottom of what is going on. Finding out changes the way we approach the behaviors.

    I am sure after work hours you will have more input.... Have you done an independent neuropsychologist evaluation? if you want more info people will share how they got it. Dont ask if...tell doctor you WANT one.
     
  18. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Welcome! difficult child 1 has a 6 month honeymoon period. I can sympathize. A 2 month stay wouldn't phase him either. At 2 months they were just starting to see some of the behaviors I described at home. Are you therapist shopping right now? You said she doesn't have a diagnosis? What kind of testing have the tdocs, psychiatrists, and school done? She doesn't like reading but dyslexia isn't the problem. Has she had her vision checked?

    At least her staying at school she isn't home terrorizing the family. :consoling:
     
  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Your story hits home... We adopted our two granddaughters after they had been in foster care. I would say the big thing is probably the drugs/alsohol that was used during the pregnancy. Our 13 yo difficult child is demanding, talks like she is keeping up at school (NOT! I can check online!) and I got an email today from english teacher that she is failing and doesnt work in class and is rude and argumentative. We are on trimesters... so all work not handed in on Wed will not be given a second chance.

    She is demeaning to her younger sister and teases her to tears at times. She is such a complainer that you would think we treated her like a prisoner. Tonight a made a biscuit topped chicken pot pie - and she was practically afraid to try it. We had to take half the serving off the plate before she would try it - then she liked it and had seconds... then she took more and discovered ONIONS! teeny tiny pieces of chopped onions... so she just COULDN'T eat any more. I left off the peas or mixed vegetables and pimentios as I knew she would throw a fit. Yesterday she complained because there was no gravy on the beef (I didn't make potatoes so I didn't think there should be gravy) And the day before that the cheese stuffed shells were DIFFERENT and she didn't like them. The day before she called home crying from school because she was starving and the school lunch was "DISGUSTING!". Her clothes are PATHETIC. The teachers are STUPID. We don't spend enough MONEY on her. We treat her younger sister BETTER than her. She rode her bike last week - but now she is too GROWN UP to ride that bike that is for little kids. And she just doesn't understand why no one likes her.

    I wish I had answers... I don't... but you are not alone. We are giving up the life we had planned to that they can have a decent life. We have taken them on a cruise last year... we have taken summer mission type trips for a couple of months for four summers in a row. They got to live in San Antonio, Hollywood and on an Indian Reservation... we have tried so hard to give them experiences in life. But I guess a stupid cell phone would be so much better. Sorry I am bitter. Some days I do have a better attitude. Sorry it wasn't today.

    KSM
     
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, you have certainly come to the right place. Lots of similar stories, believe it or not.
    I don't have a lot of advice, just that you take care of yourself ... soak in the tub, get a massage, that sort of thing. Because you are in it for the long haul.
    You have already been through so much--14 miscarriages and 4 adoptions--you are amazing.
    I agree with-the new evaluation of your daughter. I hope you can set up an appointment and get her to go. I'm not beneath bribing. :)
     
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