Very sad news about klmno

[witzend]

I thought you knew. I still have the same number, text or call me sometime.

Boy do I remember. I am surprised my son didn't tell me this.

 

[DammitJanet]

When I get a phone that makes calls I will.

 

[HMBgal]

I don't know how I missed this; I see that it was awhile ago. I was so deeply shocked and saddened by her son's death. It's something we all fear when we have children (or grandchildren) that rage and have to rely on 911 and/or the police. I have thought of her so often and I'm so sad to hear of her passing. I hope she is resting peacefully at last. My hurt hurts.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I didn't know her but I am so sorry that she chose this path. No one knows how someone will handle the loss of a child but for now, she is no longer in pain from a hurting heart. I lost two baby brothers, my parents had 4 children, my sister and I and then the two boys. One died of pneumonia at 2 weeks. Then my sister was born about a year later. Then my other brother came along 2 yrs after her. He died from a tragic accident caused by my Father. It destroyed my parents, they never got over it. They divorced. They placed us in orphanage and were eventually adopted by my grandparents. But the pain, heartache, my parents carried with them the rest of their lives.

Again, I am sorry that she passed- and so many people tried to help her. I am sorry she died without any justice for her son.

 

[Copabanana]

He died from a tragic accident

It destroyed my parents

They placed us in orphanage

IB, many years ago as a young woman I went into therapy with a psychoanalyst, which lasted many years. Of all that time a few things stand out. One was his talking about parents who lose a child. (I was not a mother then. I do not know why we had the conversation or why I remember, this of all things. )

He said that it was very rarely that couples stay together following a grave illness or the loss of a child through an accident such as this. He said it was because in the course of suffering, repressed feelings emerge, those that most of us typically keep hidden from ourselves, let alone others. And once out of the bottle in a relationship, they are hard to contain. Most people move on.

I can imagine how it must have been for your parents--where one parent was actually responsible for the death of a child. Actually, I cannot imagine it.

In the 20 years before my mother's death she had a boyfriend whose grandson was killed in a motorcycle accident. There were maybe 4 kids. The mother went off the deep end. She left her husband and her other young children. She moved to Mexico where she had lived as an exchange student and married a man she had known 25 or 30 years before. She literally had to leave the life she knew in order to survive.

Heartbreaking. I guess it touches me because when my parents were divorced (I was 8) my father left us entirely. Abandoned us. As if he were dead. I adored my father. I never ever recovered.

To learn when you are small that everything is an illusion that can be destroyed, just like that; that nothing ever is safe or secure. It is like coming to believe that there is nothing except oneself. That is really how I lived my life. It is very sad how children can be hurt, and how easily it seems to be done.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Copa- thank you for sharing that story. I am sorry about yours parents, most especially your Father. I really believe women need their Fathers. Fatherless daughters grow up to be insecure, carry a sense of rejection, abandonment, lack self confidence and lack of control over the emotions. How sad for you to lose your Father, who you adored. I think of the movie, "Hope Floats" in the scene where Bernice, the little girl, wants to go with her Father. He has a new girlfriend, he tells her not now, you can't, maybe some other time, and she begs, pleads and cries, please Daddy, take me with you. He drives off and leaves her holding her suitcase. I cried during that scene. So gut wrenching for children who go through a parent/parents leaving them in the dust. I refused to let my Father crush me- he knew (my mom kept him updated) I had a better life then he ever could have provided for me.


My baby brother was only 4 months old. It was raining hard outside, terrible storm, wind kicking up. Dad hurried mom in the car with my brother, he shut the door, but mom leaned out as her dress was caught, and he slammed the door on my brothers head. He died at the hospital from inter-cranial hemorrhage. Both parents drank after that- just were like the walking dead I guess. My parents divorced and went on to marry their spouses. Sis and I were able to see our Mom off and on- but then she died too soon when I was 24 of breast cancer. Dad still loved her till she died. But Dad, pretty much couldn't be around us. I think they both blamed each other, staying together was a constant reminder of the loss of their boys. We were a reminder of his lost sons, we survived, they didn't. In his obituary, he never even mentioned that he had two daughters. That was hard to deal with- in the end, we just didn't matter to him.

During Iraq war, we had a Marine that died from my town. Catholic family, 8 kids. Mother couldn't handle it- she divorced her husband. Still is grieving.

I suffered from fear of rejection for many years- it was my beautiful daughter that helped me recognize that and heal.

 

[Copabanana]

Fatherless daughters grow up to be insecure, carry a sense of rejection, abandonment, lack self confidence and lack of control over the emotions.

That sounds like me. At least how I started out as a young woman. But I was like you, IB, I fought for myself. I became the best me I could be.

but then she died too soon when I was 24 of breast cancer

This is tragic.

In his obituary, he never even mentioned that he had two daughters. That was hard to deal with- in the end, we just didn't matter to him.

We share something in common. I wish we did not.

When I was 18 or so, I found my Dad. He was an alcoholic, living a sordid life with my then 7 year old half brother. I lived with them for a short time, and for the next 10 years saw my Dad, off and on.

At the time I began the therapy to which I referred in the earlier post, I got the courage to stop seeing my father. I could not stand to be with him drunk. I could not stand being subjected to the degradation of his life. He was mean. So many reasons. I get at heart it was--being around him made me less, not more.

I never had contact with him again after this. When I was 40 I found out that he had died 6 years earlier.. Shortly afterward, I reached out to my brother, who was then about 30.

He told me that my father had hated me at the end of his life. Just despised me. Calling me all kinds of degrading names, sexually and racially degrading.

It hurt some. By that time all of the love had turned into something different--what I do not know.

My brother died at 32. He drowned while fishing. Drunk.

I sometimes wonder how in the world my life turned out as well as it did. It is not that my life was so great, it is more that I believe I have learned as much as I could as I lived. That is one reason CD is so important to me. I have learned so much by sharing.

IB. I am very sorry about your baby brother. I feel sad for everybody. All of us.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Copa- I am glad that you did find your father eventually and in some ways got some closure. YOU saw what he was like, how sad of a life he chose to live. I love how you said, "being around him made me less, not more". What a powerful statement. I don't think your Father hated you- but he hated the fact that his life was and you were everything that he was not. Self-hatred is what he was feeling.

I am sorry about the loss of your brother. I have 4 half brothers. Three from my mom's husband and one from Dad's wife. I lost contact for years after Mom died, but reconnected a few years ago. I saw how my life would of been- and let me tell you- I was blessed to be adopted by grandparents. They all have issues, one being an alcoholic. But they compete with one another and fight. My other half-brother, never knew about me until a few years ago. I found him on face-book. He was angry at first, about lot of things.Died Dad in 2001- I never knew. But mostly that Dad never told him he had two sisters. He is a sweetheart.

He in fact, found my brothers graves. They were unmarked. No one bothered to get them a tombstone. We are going in together to get tombstones for them- he insists on paying half. How wonderful a man he is- and my Father was such a . Couldn't even put tombstones on his sons graves.I wonder, did they matter either?

So here we are Copa, Warrior Mothers, being able to love our Children, warts and all

 

[Nature]

I was deeply saddened when I read this and although I never knew her nor her story I've been able to piece some of her history from the post. I was unable to respond last night and went to bed deeply troubled over this tragedy. I'm sorry to all those who loved and knew her and may she finally have found peace in the arms of her son.

 

[BusynMember]

This is an old and very sad post. Makes me feel sad and nauseous at the same time. A police officer killed her in her son in the home. I think she saw it. I am not sure any can do much better than she did and he was her only child and I don't think she had any support. Very sad...beyond sad. He wasn't even 18 yet. I always figured I'd have done the same, especially since the police officer was not in trouble, or at least that us how I remember it.

 

[donna723]

I sometimes wonder if it might have been a bit different for her if she had gotten some vindication on what happened to her son, if someone were held accountable, if what really happened were generally known. She tried so hard to get some justice for her boy. It never happened and I can't even imagine how that must have felt to her. She loved him so much and he was all she had. And from what she said at the time, yes, she did witness the whole sickening thing! Very few people could go through what she did and remain intact. I know I couldn't. And she had virtually no support system at all. She was an intensely private person. Any family she had was not a part of her life. Sometimes I think that we, her online family, were the only outlet that she had. I was very sad that she chose the path that she did, but I wasn't surprised. I think that for her, it was the only choice. It was just too much pain to bear. I pray that she is with her son now and that they are at peace.

 

[GoingNorth]

KLMNO herself also had some severe mental health issues of her own, which she was only able to get help for via the VA and that only towards the end

Her son, in addition to the MI and LDs, was well on his way to becoming a thug, had threatened his mother with a knife more than once. He was sentenced to Juvy, but KLMNO was never able to detach to the point of making that work.

She was never able to say, "What I'm trying to do isn't working; what can I do to help DOJJ help my child?" Her relationship with the authorities was very adversarial.

It all spun itself up into a perfect storm on the day her son lost it, she called the police to her home, something went terribly wrong, and her son was shot to death by the police.

To this day, my gut feeling is that "it didn't have to turn out that way".

 

[rebelson]

I just realized what "klmno" probably meant.

Can you share your thought on "klmno"?

What an awfully sad story.

How exactly did she pass? (I realize suicide, but?)

 

[GoingNorth]

How exactly did she pass? (I realize suicide, but?)

She had had one previous attempt in the months preceding her suicide. I was on the board through the whole mess and through her son's spiral down that led to his death.

My suspicion is drugs of some sort, whether pharms or street. She had, while in the service, been treated for an addiction to what i recall was opiates.

The saddest thing of all is that if she could've gotten the funding to send her son away long term to a place that would work with his emotional and mental problems, and her unhealthy attachment to him, she and her son would likely, barring illness/accident, be here today.

 

[witzend]

Yes, there was a lot of got and denial there, from a long family of deniers, I suspect. (Mine is too.) The first step is always saying "I/we need help, we can't fix it alone", and that's always the most difficult step. I think she knew all along that she needed to cede control to a professional, but she just couldn't.

 

[Nomad]

rebelson...Others who knew her well or fairly well (I did not know her well at all) seem to know what I was referring to and did not feel I was accurate. That it either did not mean what I thought or had no meaning. I thought the initials of her name "klmno" may have been an abbreviation of some kind for kill.me.now.
I thought it might have been a big clue how much she was hurting. Others, who knew her well didn't see any deep meaning in this. She didn't seem open to therapy from what I understand.
Very very sad.

 

[GoingNorth]

No. She was quite hostile to suggestions for getting help, and in some cases, hostile to those who suggested as well.

The one thing i picked up, long before Evan was shot, was that her entire life was built around Evan. She literally had no discrete personhood of her own. Her overweening fear was that Evan would be taken from her and be placed with her brother, who was gay, and whether or not because of that, KLMNO was terrified that her brother would molest her son or "make him gay".

Because of how inextricably entangled KLMNO's life was in E's, she literally had no life of her own to live once he was gone. There was nothing to heal for.

It's a very sad story, but also a cautionary tale about what can happen if you become too enmeshed.

 

[witzend]

She had a screen name that was easily identifiable to her and she wanted privacy, so she changed it to klmno. I never took it to mean anything other than a series of letters.

rebelson...Others who knew her well or fairly well (I did not know her well at all) seem to know what I was referring to and did not feel I was accurate. That it either did not mean what I thought or had no meaning. I thought the initials of her name "klmno" may have been an abbreviation of some kind for kill.me.now.
I thought it might have been a big clue how much she was hurting. Others, who knew her well didn't see any deep meaning in this. She didn't seem open to therapy from what I understand.
Very very sad.

 

[BusynMember]

I feel, and always will, that this is a very tragic consequence of having nothing in your life besides your child. Lot of people have to suffer the loss of a child and some are still standing. I'm sure it is never easy. Ugh. And whAt she saw...the way he died...

But, yeah, don't make one person your reason for living.

Such a sad story. Too bad she would not seek out therapy. Yes, it can help. A lot. A therapist can become a lifeline and a dear friend. Groups like Compassionate Friends can also offer support.

I once knew a woman whose baby died from cancer. She moved on with Compassionate Friends and she and her husband eventually adopted two adorable babies from Korea. Amazing, they moved on. They never forgot their angel baby boy and kept a candle lit for him, but they did experience happiness and family again. I met her after her son had died and after the girls were both toddlers.

 

[Nomad]

Everyone is different.
This story is profoundly tragic.
I wish it had ended differently.

I too know of a family that was devastated by the loss of their child.
They came near divorce. Their pain was so deep, it is impossible to fully describe.
But, therapy did indeed help to pull them out.
Both individual and couples therapy.
And they also keep very busy with career, volunteer work and traveling.