Very upset...My response to J's (step)mother regarding her invitation?? Is it ok?

[BusynMember]

I am so freaked out and upset that she asked J. if Jumper is going to Thanksgiving, that I found her Facebook and wrote a response. God knows if she will even read it. I am tempted to send the same response through the mail just so she gets the message. Do you feel this is ok?

J's Mom,
Any visits to your house by Jumper is not up to J and Jumper, but must be cleared with my husband and I via a phone call which makes us feel that she is safe with your family. As of right now, we do not feel she is safe in your care. If you wish to have a discussion about it, it is best for B. to call husband and explain how he has changed his mind about our daughter and how she is now accepted. An apology would be good as she did not deserve his yelling at her. If you wish, you may also call me. But Jumper will not be allowed to go to your house unless we reach a strong understanding, as the welfare of our daughter is very important to us. We will not read any responding e-mails or mailed letters. Our family communicates by talking. So if you are interested in our allowing Jumper to visit you, please have B. call hub at (cell phone) or, if you want, call me at (my cell phone). If you don't wish to do this then Jumper will never be allowed at your house due to past treatment of her by your family.This is not a friend request, just a response to your question if Jumper will spend Thanksgiving with you. Asking J. is inappropriate. It's not up to him or up to Jumper, who is afraid to go anyway. by the way, we adore J. He is a great young man.



Now I have a question. I don't use FB much. Do you guys usually read your messages? I want to make sure she gets it and she uses her FB a lot. I never check my messages.
I feel as if I'm falling apart from all this garbage and I want her to get the message! Do you feel that I explained myself well?Should I also mail it via snail mail? I don't want to overdo. Or underdo.

 

[DDD]

You've already sent it MWM so we'll see what results. Each of us has to do what we feel best under certain circumstances. I don't know anything about FB at all. Just wanted to send you a hug. DDD

 

[HaoZi]

I read mine, but the email alert I get shows me the message, too. Might depend on how she has hers set up as to when she sees she has one. As to if she reads (or responds in any way)... your guess is as good as anyone's.

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you. Honestly, I need one. I don't know how J. can stand these games. They are making me a wreck.

 

[donna723]

Could you tell if she's active on her Facebook page? Are there recent posts showing there and more than just a handful of "friends"? If you're on it a lot you would notice the message icon at the top right away. But some people start pages and then hardly ever look at them. At the top of my daughter's page is birthday wishes from various friends from her birthday LAST YEAR! If it looks like she visits her Facebook page frequently, I would assume that she got the message, but if not I would send the hardcopy of the message to her in the mail too.

These people are soooo bizarre! Is there any chance that these "parents", or at least the stepmother, are heavy drinkers or do some type of drugs? The kind that go flying off the handle and do things and say things that they don't even remember later? That would be the only logical explanation for their bizarre behavior and if it's not that, then the whole lot of them are just bat sh*t crazy! The longer this goes on, the more sorry I feel for that poor boy who has to live with this bunch of tyranical loonies!

 

[DammitJanet]

You said you think she uses facebook a lot. If so, she will get the message. I dont even use facebook a lot and if there are messages there I get them. If I sign into my email, the message is there waiting for me! Every time I sign into FB, the little icon at the top of FB sits there and tells you that you have messages waiting and its hard to do anything unless you click on it to make it go away...lol.

 

[BusynMember]

Here's the deal.
She is obviously very active because she changes her profile almost daily. However, hers is set to private. In order to contact her, I had to do a friend request and send a message. If she types "ignore" she won't get the letter. The only way she will see it is if she clicks on it and confirms, I guess. I didn't know this because i don't do FB all that much.

I have to LOL, in spite of the stress. If she "ignores" it, which is likely, she's got to be wondering, "Why is Jumper's mom trying to friend me???"

I guess I will have no way of knowing if she ever reads it unless she does friend me back, which is unlikely, or calls me, which is almost a guarantee not to happen. OR if she mentions something to J. Either way, while she keeps me guessing, now I can keep HER wondering why I tried to friend her...lol.

Dang, I wish I could have found a way to guarantee that she got my message, but I didn't want to send a letter through snail mail. Ah, well. I'm such a dork!

 

[klmno]

Well here's my question- why in the world are you letting this invitation get to you so much? I understand you don't like them and think they are weird, etc, but if this is already agreed upon that Jumper won't be going, why are you letting this ruin your day?

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not sure. I guess I just want them out of my daughter's life and I don't like them playing games with her. She was wondering if she should go "to mend fences."
But you're right. I should just let it go.

 

[klmno]

I'm just suggesting that you look at it the same way you would if was a neighbor down the road that you can't stand but had invited you to a Christmas Party or something and so you find that suspicious- like they must have an ulterior motive or some agenda- maybe all that's true but you know you (Jumper) won't be attending, so forget about it and don't let it eat up any more of your time. IOW- "don't bite the bait". If you think at some point that they really might want to find some truce or compromise somehow so the kids can have some more time together, then just pick up the phone and discuss your concerns. If they get addressed to your satisfaction, fine, if they don't then write it off.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks, klmno. I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. She can't go. She knows it. It's done.

Thank you all

 

[shellyd67]

MWM, she should still get your message even if she refuses your friend request. by the way, I thought your message was right on the money !

 

[BusynMember]

If she ignores me, how could she get my letter? I'd really like her to read it so that this doesn't happen again. But my sister told me that if she pushes "ignore" she won't get the message...

 

[DammitJanet]

Most of the time people look to see who this is who is either requesting a friend or something and normally people put something in that box such as "Im so and so from the CD board" to let you know who they are. So you see what is written there before you ignore or decline or accept.

 

[donna723]

I thought that you could send and receive messages to or from anyone, even if they're not on your Friends list, unless they have specifically blocked you for some reason ... but I could be wrong. I know I've sent lots of messages to people that weren't currently on my list, to see if they were who I thought they were. It may be different if they have everything set to "Private" but I didn't think it was.

 

[KTMom91]

You can send and receive messages from people on FB who are not on your friends list, BUT you won't get any notifications that there's a message waiting for you. I found this out because I'm in a group that buys/sells/trades household items, similar to freecycle. I'd expressed interest in an item, and the woman sent me a message with her address and phone number, and it took me two days to find it. I'm on FB a lot (because I have no life...sigh...) and wondered if she'd changed her mind about selling. I only found it when I decided to message her.

 

[DDD]

With the most caring intentions I want to encourage you to let this go. It is not harming anyone except you. I do understand your concerns...really, I do. on the other hand you are allowing J's family to negatively impact your life. That's not a good choice. Your home has revolved around loving caring family interactions. By focusing your attention and your emotions on J's family you are empowering unstable people and absorbing stress that does not belong to you and yours. It's likely to be sending out quiet negative messages to Jumper, too. The issue is not up for debate. Jumper accepts that. If you get sucked into the other family's drama the greater the chances Jumper will too. Hugs. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks. Good advice. Stay out of the drama.
I don't know if she will get the message or not. She will be puzzled that I sent her a "friend" invite, because I didn't know that sending a message was automatically inviting her to be my friend her, but that's for her to figure out and deal with. She WILL be puzzled and wonder why I'd do that because we haven't exactly gotten along. But big deal. I've had to deal with their craziness long enough. Let her wonder about me, even if she pushes "Delete" and doesn't ever read my message...lol. Let her puzzle over why I'd want to have her on my Facebook friend's list and I hope she ponders it for a long time!

Thanks. You put it into good perspective. I am making it my problem and it's not.