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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 636562" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar, I hope your hurting heart is a little bit better now knowing how much we all care. I can relate a lot to some things in your last post. My son has called me stupid and other nasty, degrading things so often in his life that it doesn't even bother me anymore. All I do is hang up on him. Am I stronger than somebody else? Nope. I'm just like a soldier, in a very minor way. I would never say I was as brave as somebody who puts his or her life on the line in the military. For one thing, I (none of us) chose this fight and most of us will survive it and not kick off at age 50 because of the stress. But it is still our own trauma; our own little war with ourselves and we doubt ourselves because our own children are being so abusive to us. So how can we feel good about ourselves if our own children, who loved us so much as little ones, who cried on the first day of kindergarten, call us things like dumbbackside? </p><p></p><p>I think I just got battle weary and I do realize now that 36 does not even mean what he says. It's a way to try to intimidate me and to shock and hurt me and, yes, even to gaslight me into thinking I was a horrible mother so that I will feel guilty and do whatever it is he wants me to do. And now, anything he calls me, basically doesn't ruin my day. I do refuse to listen to abuse. I do hang up. I can now hang up and go on with whatever I was doing rather than cry in my room like I used to do because he is who he is. I don't expect him to change. The hope I hear others talking about...since my son is close to age 37, and has never been any different, I have no hope that he will ever change. He HAS mellowed a bit and I doubt if he is shoplifting anymore, but he can con the best of us. His poor father, and I do feel sorry for him, is conned by him continuously and hands him so much money, I can only shake my head that he is...whatever he is that compels him to hand out thousands of dollars to a son who makes good money and isn't respectful of him. </p><p></p><p>Rhino skin. Do you know that term? It was used all the time when I first got on here. I think I have it. I don't really worry about what most peoeple think of me anymore. </p><p></p><p>I wanted to address the education issue, Cedar, so maybe you can put the fallacy that you need a college education to succeed to rest. I never did have that belief so that didn't factor into any guilt I had with my kids. None of them chose a four year college and I didn't care. Cedar, the kid we adopted at age six who left our family is well over a millionaire and for all intents and purposes all of his bills are paid already. He told me at eighteen, after turning down scholarships, "No, I'm going to start now and I will be way ahead of my peers, and I will be rich." One thing he always talked about was wanting to be rich. His IQ is really, really high and he is especially gifted in math and has a huge interest in technology. He has his own company. He has a huge house is an exclusive area with a huge swimming pool, which is not the norm in cold, cold Illinois. He pays money down for new cars. He is a financial success out the yang. Aside from him, all of my grown kids have always had good jobs without four year educations. 36 never went to college either, but, boy, with his conning skills does he make a GOOD salesman!!!! He has been recruited from job to job and does well. Of course, he is also always broke (haha...sad joke there. So he says). Julie had a good job as a chef at the community college she paid for and attended and then they let her teach a few classes too, even with only two years of college.</p><p></p><p>College does not equal success. Just look at how many college grads these days are living in the basements of relatives. It depends on the major and how hard the adult is willing to compete in a very difficult world. I think that some people who valued there college for the sake of education, really, really want that for our children and education is a good thing, but it's not necessary. One can learn a lot without college. One can learn very little while in it. </p><p></p><p>I hope you can find some peace tonight. Gaze at the stars and dream good things. Your son has his own life and it probably is unpleasant and it is his own doing. Hugs and more hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 636562, member: 1550"] Cedar, I hope your hurting heart is a little bit better now knowing how much we all care. I can relate a lot to some things in your last post. My son has called me stupid and other nasty, degrading things so often in his life that it doesn't even bother me anymore. All I do is hang up on him. Am I stronger than somebody else? Nope. I'm just like a soldier, in a very minor way. I would never say I was as brave as somebody who puts his or her life on the line in the military. For one thing, I (none of us) chose this fight and most of us will survive it and not kick off at age 50 because of the stress. But it is still our own trauma; our own little war with ourselves and we doubt ourselves because our own children are being so abusive to us. So how can we feel good about ourselves if our own children, who loved us so much as little ones, who cried on the first day of kindergarten, call us things like dumbbackside? I think I just got battle weary and I do realize now that 36 does not even mean what he says. It's a way to try to intimidate me and to shock and hurt me and, yes, even to gaslight me into thinking I was a horrible mother so that I will feel guilty and do whatever it is he wants me to do. And now, anything he calls me, basically doesn't ruin my day. I do refuse to listen to abuse. I do hang up. I can now hang up and go on with whatever I was doing rather than cry in my room like I used to do because he is who he is. I don't expect him to change. The hope I hear others talking about...since my son is close to age 37, and has never been any different, I have no hope that he will ever change. He HAS mellowed a bit and I doubt if he is shoplifting anymore, but he can con the best of us. His poor father, and I do feel sorry for him, is conned by him continuously and hands him so much money, I can only shake my head that he is...whatever he is that compels him to hand out thousands of dollars to a son who makes good money and isn't respectful of him. Rhino skin. Do you know that term? It was used all the time when I first got on here. I think I have it. I don't really worry about what most peoeple think of me anymore. I wanted to address the education issue, Cedar, so maybe you can put the fallacy that you need a college education to succeed to rest. I never did have that belief so that didn't factor into any guilt I had with my kids. None of them chose a four year college and I didn't care. Cedar, the kid we adopted at age six who left our family is well over a millionaire and for all intents and purposes all of his bills are paid already. He told me at eighteen, after turning down scholarships, "No, I'm going to start now and I will be way ahead of my peers, and I will be rich." One thing he always talked about was wanting to be rich. His IQ is really, really high and he is especially gifted in math and has a huge interest in technology. He has his own company. He has a huge house is an exclusive area with a huge swimming pool, which is not the norm in cold, cold Illinois. He pays money down for new cars. He is a financial success out the yang. Aside from him, all of my grown kids have always had good jobs without four year educations. 36 never went to college either, but, boy, with his conning skills does he make a GOOD salesman!!!! He has been recruited from job to job and does well. Of course, he is also always broke (haha...sad joke there. So he says). Julie had a good job as a chef at the community college she paid for and attended and then they let her teach a few classes too, even with only two years of college. College does not equal success. Just look at how many college grads these days are living in the basements of relatives. It depends on the major and how hard the adult is willing to compete in a very difficult world. I think that some people who valued there college for the sake of education, really, really want that for our children and education is a good thing, but it's not necessary. One can learn a lot without college. One can learn very little while in it. I hope you can find some peace tonight. Gaze at the stars and dream good things. Your son has his own life and it probably is unpleasant and it is his own doing. Hugs and more hugs. [/QUOTE]
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