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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 636651" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>That is an absolutely brilliant self awareness Cedar. </p><p></p><p>We banter around the concept of denial in life and yet denial is a defense mechanism which keeps us from the shock of reality which in some cases is just more then our psyche can take in. In the beginning it is a good thing. Over time it is not a good thing, it keeps us stuck in a reality that isn't true. Reality has just pushed you out of your denial and it is overwhelmingly difficult to look that in the face without it taking us out.</p><p></p><p>This is your son. </p><p></p><p>When my daughter was behaving in inappropriate ways towards me I was used to simply allowing it, I had for years. But when my husband came on the scene, he was appalled by her behavior and he told me and he kept telling me. It was that continuing opening of reality that made the difference for me. He kept gently and not so gently pulling my eyelids back so I could move out of my own denial, my own "constructed worlds of hope and faith and belief" so that I could finally see the truth. And when I did, it knocked me down. And, it knocked me down a couple of times before I was willing to really face it. Our denial is a powerful thing. Especially where our kids are concerned.</p><p></p><p>I had a therapist tell me once that we humans will go to our deaths fighting reality for all we're worth, defending our right to keep denial in place because reality is simply just too much for us to face. That's how powerful it is. I did not want to do that. Coming out of a crazy, dysfunctional family of secrets and insanity made me want to face it no matter what the cost was, I just didn't want to live in that darkness anymore. And, bringing the light in was a painful process, oh Lordy was it painful, but I am here to tell you Cedar, that right now, it was worth it.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps there really is never a time where you will be okay with what happened to your family. But there is a time where it becomes a part of you, placed in some sacred place within, that does not actively harm you anymore, where life continues on............where the hurt is there but the bigness of life takes over and that sacred place recedes. And life moves ahead, unburdened by the past.</p><p></p><p>I believe we humans do a lot to protect ourselves from the rage within you are talking about. I also believe that along with that rage is a monumental sorrow which in my humble opinion needs to be expressed as well. My experience is that underneath all that rage is that monumental sorrow. We as humans do much to protect ourselves from those feelings and I believe we do that with consequences. Those consequences keep us stuck but more importantly, they keep us out of reality, they keep us not fully present, not fully alive, not fully here. </p><p></p><p>You've just been given a bit of a shock. But you've also been given an opportunity to let reality in........to look at it squarely, without hope and faith and beliefs, to look at what is, right in front of you........and to allow those feelings of rage and sorrow..........which always feel so huge that if we allow them they will overpower us and perhaps even kill us. But they don't. They come out as we are ready to allow them to, and well, they hurt...........but when they are expressed, acknowledged and released, they free you from that denial and allow the light to shine in that dark place within where fear has lived...........</p><p></p><p>Yes, I believe you are in the process of allowing reality in, of acknowledging the truth, or relinquishing your long held guilt and shame, of offering that guilt and shame on the alter of self discovery and giving your son back his responsibility for his life. And in doing so, you free both yourself and him.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me Cedar, that you are in a difficult but very positive place of self awareness, which initially does not feel very good, but ultimately will free you to be YOU, without that baggage of abuse you've sustained for a lifetime from your family of origin and then from your own children. You don't deserve that, you deserve to be free of that and it looks to me as if you are doing that right now.........</p><p></p><p>In my world, life is about lessons. When we don't learn the lesson, the lesson gets louder and often a whole lot uglier..........but it's the ugliness and the bigness that get our attention and force us into change. It hurts to change, but you had that intention remember, for this year? To be kind to yourself? Well kindness for yourself is all about compassion and self love not blaming yourself for the actions and choices of another. </p><p></p><p>It's time to let that go Cedar, all the abusers have now stood up to be counted. The truth is out there. </p><p></p><p>With all my heart I wish you peace. With all my heart I wish you love. With all my heart I wish you freedom.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 636651, member: 13542"] That is an absolutely brilliant self awareness Cedar. We banter around the concept of denial in life and yet denial is a defense mechanism which keeps us from the shock of reality which in some cases is just more then our psyche can take in. In the beginning it is a good thing. Over time it is not a good thing, it keeps us stuck in a reality that isn't true. Reality has just pushed you out of your denial and it is overwhelmingly difficult to look that in the face without it taking us out. This is your son. When my daughter was behaving in inappropriate ways towards me I was used to simply allowing it, I had for years. But when my husband came on the scene, he was appalled by her behavior and he told me and he kept telling me. It was that continuing opening of reality that made the difference for me. He kept gently and not so gently pulling my eyelids back so I could move out of my own denial, my own "constructed worlds of hope and faith and belief" so that I could finally see the truth. And when I did, it knocked me down. And, it knocked me down a couple of times before I was willing to really face it. Our denial is a powerful thing. Especially where our kids are concerned. I had a therapist tell me once that we humans will go to our deaths fighting reality for all we're worth, defending our right to keep denial in place because reality is simply just too much for us to face. That's how powerful it is. I did not want to do that. Coming out of a crazy, dysfunctional family of secrets and insanity made me want to face it no matter what the cost was, I just didn't want to live in that darkness anymore. And, bringing the light in was a painful process, oh Lordy was it painful, but I am here to tell you Cedar, that right now, it was worth it. Perhaps there really is never a time where you will be okay with what happened to your family. But there is a time where it becomes a part of you, placed in some sacred place within, that does not actively harm you anymore, where life continues on............where the hurt is there but the bigness of life takes over and that sacred place recedes. And life moves ahead, unburdened by the past. I believe we humans do a lot to protect ourselves from the rage within you are talking about. I also believe that along with that rage is a monumental sorrow which in my humble opinion needs to be expressed as well. My experience is that underneath all that rage is that monumental sorrow. We as humans do much to protect ourselves from those feelings and I believe we do that with consequences. Those consequences keep us stuck but more importantly, they keep us out of reality, they keep us not fully present, not fully alive, not fully here. You've just been given a bit of a shock. But you've also been given an opportunity to let reality in........to look at it squarely, without hope and faith and beliefs, to look at what is, right in front of you........and to allow those feelings of rage and sorrow..........which always feel so huge that if we allow them they will overpower us and perhaps even kill us. But they don't. They come out as we are ready to allow them to, and well, they hurt...........but when they are expressed, acknowledged and released, they free you from that denial and allow the light to shine in that dark place within where fear has lived........... Yes, I believe you are in the process of allowing reality in, of acknowledging the truth, or relinquishing your long held guilt and shame, of offering that guilt and shame on the alter of self discovery and giving your son back his responsibility for his life. And in doing so, you free both yourself and him. It seems to me Cedar, that you are in a difficult but very positive place of self awareness, which initially does not feel very good, but ultimately will free you to be YOU, without that baggage of abuse you've sustained for a lifetime from your family of origin and then from your own children. You don't deserve that, you deserve to be free of that and it looks to me as if you are doing that right now......... In my world, life is about lessons. When we don't learn the lesson, the lesson gets louder and often a whole lot uglier..........but it's the ugliness and the bigness that get our attention and force us into change. It hurts to change, but you had that intention remember, for this year? To be kind to yourself? Well kindness for yourself is all about compassion and self love not blaming yourself for the actions and choices of another. It's time to let that go Cedar, all the abusers have now stood up to be counted. The truth is out there. With all my heart I wish you peace. With all my heart I wish you love. With all my heart I wish you freedom. [/QUOTE]
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