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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 636693" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>It is rather shocking that our dysfunctional families are so very similar in their dysfunction. I am the blacksheep. The one with the 20+ year marriage, the husband who works and is faithful, who worked until I had to stay home to take care of an unstable child and then my health failed. I am the one who pulled things together when my mom fell apart, but who was blamed for EVERYTHING and is STILL told how much of a mess-up I am. One of my failings is supposedly the failure to forgive, when really I cannot forget. why can I not forget things? Because every time I get upset about some new thing, someone brings up something I did that was wrong from as far back as when I was four. yes, I get a misdeed done at age four thrown in my face if I have the audacity to object to something my brother or mother does now. Gee, how is that logical or right? Is it any wonder I don't forget and don't trust or believe when they tell me that the family is always there for me and I must be there for them? esp when my family is NOT there for me? My parents often will come through, but the other relatives that I am supposed to do things for? Nope, not a one is there for me if I need it, and even when I lived a two minute WALK away they would not loan me a cup of sugar if I needed one. But I was in the wrong for not taking off work to help with whatever crisis they had, or whatever nonsense my idiot gfgbro who cannot even manage to pay his own rent needs me for.</p><p></p><p>It is all koi, and if they truly were family, they would let it go. I actually don't bring up the past around my relatives, not about ANYTHING EVER if it can be avoided. I have learned to listen, smile and spout trivia about topics that you would find in a board game rather than to discuss anything in my past, even as recently as my yesterday with my family. I discuss it here with you, because you all have EARNED that trust. But family? I keep that relationship superficial for a reason.</p><p></p><p>I recommend that course of action. Mostly because you really don't deserve their koi or need their drama. Life is too short so spend your emotions on things that have value to you NOT on idiots who use name calling and manipulation to try to steal your possessions.</p><p></p><p>PLEASE make sure that your son does not benefit in your will, and that he is aware that he will NOT get a windfall from your death. There is simply no telling what he might do. If you would speak to your mother the way he did simply because she doesn't want to give you her home, you would do ANYTHING and should NOT be trusted. Give your belongings to NAMI or a charity you believe in or the local cat hoarder. ANYONE but him, because he sure isn't making me think he wouldn't kill you in your sleep if he believed he could get away with it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 636693, member: 1233"] It is rather shocking that our dysfunctional families are so very similar in their dysfunction. I am the blacksheep. The one with the 20+ year marriage, the husband who works and is faithful, who worked until I had to stay home to take care of an unstable child and then my health failed. I am the one who pulled things together when my mom fell apart, but who was blamed for EVERYTHING and is STILL told how much of a mess-up I am. One of my failings is supposedly the failure to forgive, when really I cannot forget. why can I not forget things? Because every time I get upset about some new thing, someone brings up something I did that was wrong from as far back as when I was four. yes, I get a misdeed done at age four thrown in my face if I have the audacity to object to something my brother or mother does now. Gee, how is that logical or right? Is it any wonder I don't forget and don't trust or believe when they tell me that the family is always there for me and I must be there for them? esp when my family is NOT there for me? My parents often will come through, but the other relatives that I am supposed to do things for? Nope, not a one is there for me if I need it, and even when I lived a two minute WALK away they would not loan me a cup of sugar if I needed one. But I was in the wrong for not taking off work to help with whatever crisis they had, or whatever nonsense my idiot gfgbro who cannot even manage to pay his own rent needs me for. It is all koi, and if they truly were family, they would let it go. I actually don't bring up the past around my relatives, not about ANYTHING EVER if it can be avoided. I have learned to listen, smile and spout trivia about topics that you would find in a board game rather than to discuss anything in my past, even as recently as my yesterday with my family. I discuss it here with you, because you all have EARNED that trust. But family? I keep that relationship superficial for a reason. I recommend that course of action. Mostly because you really don't deserve their koi or need their drama. Life is too short so spend your emotions on things that have value to you NOT on idiots who use name calling and manipulation to try to steal your possessions. PLEASE make sure that your son does not benefit in your will, and that he is aware that he will NOT get a windfall from your death. There is simply no telling what he might do. If you would speak to your mother the way he did simply because she doesn't want to give you her home, you would do ANYTHING and should NOT be trusted. Give your belongings to NAMI or a charity you believe in or the local cat hoarder. ANYONE but him, because he sure isn't making me think he wouldn't kill you in your sleep if he believed he could get away with it. [/QUOTE]
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