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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 636706" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Cedar, I haven't been posting in awhile but just saw this thread. I am joining the others in a howl of protest and defense about the way your difficult child son talked to you and treated you. None of us deserve the things our difficult children do and say to us, but you in particular are a voice of hard-earned wisdom and compassion around here (and anywhere else, I would imagine). Don't listen to it. Don't let him get under your skin. He knows which buttons to push. They always know.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My first thought is, you would help and you did help. He chose not to use that help to pay back that loan. That's his choice.</p><p></p><p>My thoughts are that this is one of your buttons to push, the education thing. The education thing is one of my buttons too. My difficult child knows that. We set aside money (not much, but some) for easy child and difficult child to go to college and made it clear to both of them that the money was for college; it would not be given to them as a gift or spent on anything but tuition and books.</p><p></p><p>easy child used hers, and between that and working part-time she got her bachelor's degree.</p><p></p><p>difficult child used his in the course of flunking out twice because he didn't show up for class and can't get back in without paying some fees.</p><p></p><p>Every now and then, when it is a hot day and working outside doing heavy labor really sucks, he will bitterly complain about having to work so hard for such little money. He did the other day.</p><p></p><p>When I pointed out YET AGAIN that we would pay the fees and help with tuition so he could get some training to do something else, he looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "I don't WANT to go back to school. I just want the money you would have spent on tuition." He doesn't see the connection. He only sees that he wants more money and I have it.</p><p></p><p>From my read, you tried several different ways to steer him toward college or other training. He rejected it. Now he's looking at his life and looking for anyone but himself to blame for the way it turned out. And he knows if he can somehow sink a hook, you will be pulled back in by your old dreams of him furthering his education. He doesn't regret not going to school. If he did, he would have gone. difficult children do whatever they want to do. His going to college was YOUR dream, not his. He is just using that against you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 636706, member: 17720"] Cedar, I haven't been posting in awhile but just saw this thread. I am joining the others in a howl of protest and defense about the way your difficult child son talked to you and treated you. None of us deserve the things our difficult children do and say to us, but you in particular are a voice of hard-earned wisdom and compassion around here (and anywhere else, I would imagine). Don't listen to it. Don't let him get under your skin. He knows which buttons to push. They always know. My first thought is, you would help and you did help. He chose not to use that help to pay back that loan. That's his choice. My thoughts are that this is one of your buttons to push, the education thing. The education thing is one of my buttons too. My difficult child knows that. We set aside money (not much, but some) for easy child and difficult child to go to college and made it clear to both of them that the money was for college; it would not be given to them as a gift or spent on anything but tuition and books. easy child used hers, and between that and working part-time she got her bachelor's degree. difficult child used his in the course of flunking out twice because he didn't show up for class and can't get back in without paying some fees. Every now and then, when it is a hot day and working outside doing heavy labor really sucks, he will bitterly complain about having to work so hard for such little money. He did the other day. When I pointed out YET AGAIN that we would pay the fees and help with tuition so he could get some training to do something else, he looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "I don't WANT to go back to school. I just want the money you would have spent on tuition." He doesn't see the connection. He only sees that he wants more money and I have it. From my read, you tried several different ways to steer him toward college or other training. He rejected it. Now he's looking at his life and looking for anyone but himself to blame for the way it turned out. And he knows if he can somehow sink a hook, you will be pulled back in by your old dreams of him furthering his education. He doesn't regret not going to school. If he did, he would have gone. difficult children do whatever they want to do. His going to college was YOUR dream, not his. He is just using that against you. [/QUOTE]
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