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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 636735" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I believe those two responses are one. </p><p></p><p>It reminds me of something that happened to me years ago. I had a falling out with a friend. Her response to it was to be nasty. My response, natural to me at the time, was to be "nice" to see myself as in a way, better then her because I was not nasty. I was busy being righteous and judgmental of her response and hanging out in my superior stance, very familiar to me since that is how I usually responded. I had dinner with a therapist friend of mine whom I shared the whole story with. Rather then agree with me, she shocked me by saying, "why would you be "nice" when someone is treating you so badly? Why not respond in a way that is not only more appropriate but REAL?" It was a new concept to me. I had to ask her how to do that. The friend was writing me nasty letters and I was ignoring them. She was insisting I return a book I borrowed. She in fact had a box of books she had borrowed from me which in my 'niceness' I was going to just let go of. My therapist friend said, "tell her to bring the box of books to your home and you will leave the one book on the deck for her, and then respond to her with how you really feel." I remember actually thinking, <em>I can do that? </em>I was so cemented into my 'nice' persona, I didn't know how to be real.</p><p></p><p>Well, I did what she told me to do. I asked my former friend to bring me my box of books and gave her the one book I had. I wrote a note, not nasty, simply truthful. I can still recall the feeling I had when I went to the Post Office and mailed the letter to her. I felt GLEE. I felt something I had never felt before. I was elated. I felt really good. I was being appropriate. I was being real. I was responding in an authentic way to external stimulus rather then be inauthentically and automatically 'nice' which I had been conditioned in my family of origin to be. That actually turned out to be the beginning of a long journey of me being 'real' with my family, with my friends, with everyone. Many sacrifices of relationships along the way, lots of emoting, lots of endings............but I am now, at least I believe I am now, free of all of those inauthentic connections where I could not be myself, I was stuck in being who I thought I SHOULD be. My perceptions of what a Mother is, being the hardest to let go of. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It isn't illegitimate, it is completely legitimate and absolutely real. That giggling and that thrill are what I called GLEE. It was a superb feeling. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That's lovely Cedar. Made me think that in our being real, in our saying the truth to the abusers, we free ourselves certainly, but we free the abuser as well, from the tyranny they believe to be their right to impose on others. In not taking it on, we leave it with the source, let them figure it out, it isn't about us, it's about them. It's a blessing to know the truth. As Gloria Steinem said, "the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 636735, member: 13542"] I believe those two responses are one. It reminds me of something that happened to me years ago. I had a falling out with a friend. Her response to it was to be nasty. My response, natural to me at the time, was to be "nice" to see myself as in a way, better then her because I was not nasty. I was busy being righteous and judgmental of her response and hanging out in my superior stance, very familiar to me since that is how I usually responded. I had dinner with a therapist friend of mine whom I shared the whole story with. Rather then agree with me, she shocked me by saying, "why would you be "nice" when someone is treating you so badly? Why not respond in a way that is not only more appropriate but REAL?" It was a new concept to me. I had to ask her how to do that. The friend was writing me nasty letters and I was ignoring them. She was insisting I return a book I borrowed. She in fact had a box of books she had borrowed from me which in my 'niceness' I was going to just let go of. My therapist friend said, "tell her to bring the box of books to your home and you will leave the one book on the deck for her, and then respond to her with how you really feel." I remember actually thinking, [I]I can do that? [/I]I was so cemented into my 'nice' persona, I didn't know how to be real. Well, I did what she told me to do. I asked my former friend to bring me my box of books and gave her the one book I had. I wrote a note, not nasty, simply truthful. I can still recall the feeling I had when I went to the Post Office and mailed the letter to her. I felt GLEE. I felt something I had never felt before. I was elated. I felt really good. I was being appropriate. I was being real. I was responding in an authentic way to external stimulus rather then be inauthentically and automatically 'nice' which I had been conditioned in my family of origin to be. That actually turned out to be the beginning of a long journey of me being 'real' with my family, with my friends, with everyone. Many sacrifices of relationships along the way, lots of emoting, lots of endings............but I am now, at least I believe I am now, free of all of those inauthentic connections where I could not be myself, I was stuck in being who I thought I SHOULD be. My perceptions of what a Mother is, being the hardest to let go of. It isn't illegitimate, it is completely legitimate and absolutely real. That giggling and that thrill are what I called GLEE. It was a superb feeling. That's lovely Cedar. Made me think that in our being real, in our saying the truth to the abusers, we free ourselves certainly, but we free the abuser as well, from the tyranny they believe to be their right to impose on others. In not taking it on, we leave it with the source, let them figure it out, it isn't about us, it's about them. It's a blessing to know the truth. As Gloria Steinem said, "the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." [/QUOTE]
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