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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 636856" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Yes, I believe that to be true.</p><p></p><p>What helped me Cedar was to identify myself in the drama triangle, the victim/persecutor/rescuer relationship game. A therapist pointed this out to me years ago saying that in order to remove myself from the triangle, I had to see myself in all three roles. Of course, my own dance of denial was immense and although I could certainly see myself as the rescuer, my favored position, and sort of the victim, I could not, would not see myself as the persecutor. The abuser, the role I was trying so hard to avoid. </p><p></p><p>Well, I still recall this episode so clearly in my mind because I saw the therapist on a Friday and she pointed out a few things like control, blame, judgment and taking away the lessons others needed to learn with my 'superior' knowledge of what was best for them, as examples of persecution. I remember leaving her office feeling angry and righteous in my denial of her points. By Friday night something inside of me began collapsing, I started to let in a tiny little piece of what she had said..........it was awful, really. Little by little over that weekend, I began to let myself see the truth of my actions..........it was pretty hard to see Cedar, it felt as if my eyelids were being ripped off. Once I let in the realization that I had actually harmed others in my pursuit of their well being on <em>my </em>terms, I was devastated and cried and cried and cried. It was never my intent to harm.........and yet I could see that I had and it was a hugely bitter pill to swallow. </p><p></p><p>After I got through that though, a lot of my issues with being authentic, seeing the truth, being able to respond to others in a truthful and dynamic way, got a whole lot easier. Just being able to be real, to say what I really meant, to take the risk of not only disagreeing with another, but to say, with no charge or drama or need to be right or nice or anything, just what I needed and wanted, the simple truth of my own response. It didn't happen overnight, there were many opportunities for me to learn, to grow, to respond. But, I didn't often fall back into that triangle. Once you know you're in it, you can start to feel it and it makes it pretty hard not to let yourself know the truth.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, these realizations are hard. Plain and simple. It is wise and right to be very kind and gentle with yourself as you are maneuvering through this level of self awareness. You are removing many of your own well designed methods of survival from an early age and it doesn't feel very good to do that. With each realization comes a flood of 'stuff' before we gain our footing back. For those of us from dysfunctional backgrounds and abuse, in order to survive we constructed whole personas designed to keep us safe and dismantling them is difficult, takes courage and commitment and strength.......so be very kind to yourself my friend, it can be a treacherous landscape.</p><p></p><p>You and I didn't have a healthy mother role model so we made one up based on childhood fantasies about what the perfect mother would look like. We have to have compassion for that child within us who tried so hard to do the right thing. We have to forgive ourselves for how we worked that out, we didn't know any better. We have to forgive ourselves for all of our wrongdoings, real or imagined. And we have to let our kids go so they can learn how to be the adults they were meant to be, on their own, without us saving them from themselves, whatever that ends up looking like</p><p></p><p>Here are a couple of articles about that triangle. </p><p></p><p><a href="https://holisticworld.co.uk/your_say.php?article_id=77" target="_blank">https://holisticworld.co.uk/your_say.php?article_id=77</a></p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201106/the-relationship-triangle" target="_blank">http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201106/the-relationship-triangle</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 636856, member: 13542"] Yes, I believe that to be true. What helped me Cedar was to identify myself in the drama triangle, the victim/persecutor/rescuer relationship game. A therapist pointed this out to me years ago saying that in order to remove myself from the triangle, I had to see myself in all three roles. Of course, my own dance of denial was immense and although I could certainly see myself as the rescuer, my favored position, and sort of the victim, I could not, would not see myself as the persecutor. The abuser, the role I was trying so hard to avoid. Well, I still recall this episode so clearly in my mind because I saw the therapist on a Friday and she pointed out a few things like control, blame, judgment and taking away the lessons others needed to learn with my 'superior' knowledge of what was best for them, as examples of persecution. I remember leaving her office feeling angry and righteous in my denial of her points. By Friday night something inside of me began collapsing, I started to let in a tiny little piece of what she had said..........it was awful, really. Little by little over that weekend, I began to let myself see the truth of my actions..........it was pretty hard to see Cedar, it felt as if my eyelids were being ripped off. Once I let in the realization that I had actually harmed others in my pursuit of their well being on [I]my [/I]terms, I was devastated and cried and cried and cried. It was never my intent to harm.........and yet I could see that I had and it was a hugely bitter pill to swallow. After I got through that though, a lot of my issues with being authentic, seeing the truth, being able to respond to others in a truthful and dynamic way, got a whole lot easier. Just being able to be real, to say what I really meant, to take the risk of not only disagreeing with another, but to say, with no charge or drama or need to be right or nice or anything, just what I needed and wanted, the simple truth of my own response. It didn't happen overnight, there were many opportunities for me to learn, to grow, to respond. But, I didn't often fall back into that triangle. Once you know you're in it, you can start to feel it and it makes it pretty hard not to let yourself know the truth. Cedar, these realizations are hard. Plain and simple. It is wise and right to be very kind and gentle with yourself as you are maneuvering through this level of self awareness. You are removing many of your own well designed methods of survival from an early age and it doesn't feel very good to do that. With each realization comes a flood of 'stuff' before we gain our footing back. For those of us from dysfunctional backgrounds and abuse, in order to survive we constructed whole personas designed to keep us safe and dismantling them is difficult, takes courage and commitment and strength.......so be very kind to yourself my friend, it can be a treacherous landscape. You and I didn't have a healthy mother role model so we made one up based on childhood fantasies about what the perfect mother would look like. We have to have compassion for that child within us who tried so hard to do the right thing. We have to forgive ourselves for how we worked that out, we didn't know any better. We have to forgive ourselves for all of our wrongdoings, real or imagined. And we have to let our kids go so they can learn how to be the adults they were meant to be, on their own, without us saving them from themselves, whatever that ends up looking like Here are a couple of articles about that triangle. [url]https://holisticworld.co.uk/your_say.php?article_id=77[/url] [url]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201106/the-relationship-triangle[/url] [/QUOTE]
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